Confrontation on Accepting Love

Been reflecting these past two days, on one thing: lost and gain.
(Still have yet to have the time to mental dump my reflections on retreat, please bare with me :P)

At times when I least expect, God confronts me with things that I don't want to face. As a person who often avoid problems, I choose be actively ignorant of things.

Well oh well...a few days ago, I was just faced with this humongous confrontation from God. The thoughts going through my mind completely threw me into the thorns, I felt like every piece of me was being ripped apart. Not for worse, but for good.

I don't know if I've shared about this before: it's very hard for me to accept love. As a person, I don't mind giving love, I don't mind caring for people or just to be kind. However, it's always a challenge for people to care for me, I rarely let anyone do so. When I'm in pain or struggling, I rarely let people know about it, especially the ones that care and worry for me.

Thank you AF. Really, your stubbornness was God's confrontation to me. I've never felt so compelled to throw someone out of my room because I just wanted to be left alone. Sadly enough, like what Soul Cravings talked about in one of the entries - sometimes the thing we want the most, we fear the most. I'm fearful of being love by people around me, I'm fearful of being loved by God.

Once again, it was that moment that God spoke to me, telling me that "it's okay." Still learning...but yes, this is one thing that I struggle with a lot. That's why you see me pushing people away when they want to care, I simply just push them away.

[The past haunts you, and maybe it's really time to let go and embrace it]

When I Say “I Am A Christian”

When I Say “I Am A Christian”
by Carol Wimmer

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting “I am saved”
I’m whispering “I get lost!”
“That is why I chose this way.”

When I say…”I am a Christian”
don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I’m worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I’m loved.

Love is Patient...Love is Kind...

Today, I was losing my patience...to things, to people, to everything. On the verge of snapping, something was ringing in the back of my brain:

Love is patient, love is kind... (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Just in time :)

We always say that patience is a virtue. And very true, everyone at one moment would lose their temper. Whether it is because of one thing, or an accumulation of several things, the impact isn't small. Holding back the words that you just want to blurt out is not easy, swallowing it back feels like...eating something that causes a gag reflex :P

I'm so glad this was brought up yesterday during sharing (maybe in a different context, but still it was mentioned). It reminded me that there is one very important element of love that cannot be disregarded, and also...patience was first among the other ones.

Prayed, jumped into the pool...released it all. It felt amazing after that swim :)

We love, because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Dinner at Our Palace

Extravagantly spending time to cook for people, such a good way to procrastinate :P

Just joking! I'm actually more than glad that people got to come up to our place, rarely have this kind of stuff as I'm quite an introvert. Seeing people talk and mingle is fun :) Not quite the person to talk, cause I'm shy, you know :P yet hearing people talk about the most random things is very amusing.

It's so cool just getting everyone together. I don't know why, but I guess this is more than a part of what I call fellowship. People who don't know each other well, gathering in the name of Christ. Eating and sharing lives together as sisters. How beautiful!

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One thing that really hit me was that TX, you came in the end :) I was touched actually, to see you, hanging out with you. People may not know, but you are a sister that I hold dearly to my heart. Thank you for accepting me for who I am! There are many things that I'm not scared to tell you, not because we've potentially been thorough the same things through serving, but for the fact that I can be all who I am. Okay, I'm going to save the cheesy stuff...One last thing, you are such a blessing!! :D

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Thank God for blessing me with so many wonderful sisters in Christ. I don't have siblings, but I guess you all count :D

Thank you for making my last 1.5 months so much more meaningful and memorable :')

Lemme type out your names so that I don't forget when I read this 20 years later :P
My lovely roommies: EW and GH
Guests: AF, EH, JC, JH, KL, FT, MT, SY, TX, QL
(Wow...there were 13 people including me?? :O)

You Are Good

Had lunch with a wonderful sister JG today, I missed it :) Haven't had such a meet up ever since summer, can you believe it?

I've been looping this song for the past 2 weeks (even before winter retreat...cause I had the song list :P).

Found it really hard to praise God and to say that "You are good" at times of trials. This past month have been terrible for me. The cycle of - trying to figure things out, figures out, another wave comes drowning you - was so tiring. Didn't really talk to anyone but only prayed to God about it. Before the retreat, when people asked if I were okay, yes I would say I'm okay, cause I really don't know what's not okay.

Looping this song on the way back from retreat, I teared up. Walking to places these past few days, I can't refrain myself from singing, because God had answered my prayers, and showed me so much more than what I was praying for. They were prayers that have been prayed for ever since this school year started.

Things are not going to get easy, but I would still praise you. Because YOU ARE GOOD!

Lent 2012

So today is Ash Wednesday, lent should start officially today.

.....

This is crazy...I don't know what exactly to lent for. I have an idea of it...but...
(like always, when you know you should do something...you end up not being able to actually write it down and do it)

I want to be able to wake up at 8 everyday and sleep by 1...do devos regularly every morning, and then swim 3 times a week on days when I don't have early classes, how does that sound?

Why "Work in Progress?"

Every time I start a new blog, there's a reason.

This time, maybe it's a recurring thought that I finally need to act on.

Last year around March, I started a blog (or more like private the old posts) on writing things that I have learned this year by being the Female Devotional Leader in CCF. In the very beginning, there was a lot to type, and I did type them one by one. Yet I slowly became overwhelmed...typing everyday was draining, and thus I stopped by May. I still typed private blog posts, but I guess they were not much for the public anymore :P

This blog will not be only things that I'm still learning from committee, but seeing pass that, I am His work in progress.

I hope to keep this blog as long as possible. There might be up and down times, I probably won't be able to update everyday or so, some times I might update more that once a day.

This is just a platform for me to keep in touch with people about my walk while I'm about to part way with most people.