My Mask

Everyday, we live in a masquerade. As humans we always want to seek for approval and acceptance.

The truth is, our inner desires are not fulfilled, and we are self-centered.

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

We mask our true feelings because on the one hand, we want people to like us. We don't truly reveal to people who we are...and we hide the ugly little bit, even if we know that God is pruning our bad stuff. On the other hand, we are very self-centered. We often say we are not good...which at the same time denys the beauty in God's creation. In Genesis, it says in scripture already that we are created in His own image. We are created by God...why is it so hard to find beauty in ourselves then? (I often struggle with that :(...)

I was hit by this verse today...it's a reminder to me to stop being so self-centered. Time to take off that mask...

Moving On

Today was the last CCF...bittersweet.

I always describe my experience in CCF as a love-hate relationship. Throughout my 4 years in CCF, there were moments that I really wanted to leave. To seek out a fellowship that I fit better in (and yes...even after being on committee, I still say so). To leave is not because I don't like CCF, nor that do I not care about the growth of the fellowship. It was more because I cared, I didn't want the experience of staying make me eventually dislike the structural. Yet at the same time, a lot of people who knows me well encouraged me to stay, not to wait for changes, but to be the change. After this year, I still don't know if I have allowed God to do work through me, or to be a tool that God can use to inspire people. Maybe yes? Maybe no? I don't know...

It didn't quite hit me that I'm supposed to move on, and I think it's going to take me another while to get used to the fact that I'm going to be graduating and leaving soon. I'm terrified inside. Truly am I have to say. This transition state is the hardest. I grew as a Christian in TCBC and in CCF. I can't concretely tell you what I have learned these past few years, the only thing I know is that people who know me keep on telling me that I've changed a lot as a person. I don't really know if it's true, maybe? 

Something really hit me during musical worship, don't think people would realize in any way, but I was tearing up in the back, because the affirmation that God will be with me struck me. 

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name

I will live to love You, I will live to bring You praise, I will live a child in awe of You. Once again, I was drawn back to where I needed to be. It doesn't quite matter where I'll be next year (though it does matter in reality :P), but that no matter where I'll be, I should glorify you. 

It's time to move on, time to find a Church or to stay, but definitely time to find a new community. My steps are shaking, but I'll trust in You!

Lack in Boldness

Another reflection I had during my leadership course was...my lack in boldness.

There was a classmate doing a presentation. The first thing she came up to the stage and said was "I believe in Judaism, and that's why my leadership paradigm is the star of David. For everything I do, I relate back to my religion."

*Whoosh!* It blew my mind! I sat there, not as nicole, but as a disciple...I looked at my classmates boldness. I felt a little shameful inside, cause I lacked that boldness to proclaim that I am a Christian in the class. Yes, I might have implicitly used servant leadership in my own model, but not as bold as my classmate.

I know this sounds like I'm comparing :P But I sometimes do hope to have the boldness that I lack in, not only in this situation, but in general. For the times I've been bold enough, I see God's work. I see God moving people's hearts and to transform them.

May we all have this boldness. Boldness in proclaiming that Christ is our Savior, and just to tell people about the Good News that we know of. I'm a little nervous going to Cambridge after watching a clip this morning...>.< I need to depend on God so much more!

2 Hours of Sleep...

God spoke to me in a different way through the experience of 2 hours of sleep. I'm still having mixed feelings, but I guess it's still a good thing.

The story behind me only sleeping two hours was because I had to work on my final semester project. The art of procrastination sometimes plays well. I didn't deliberately procrastinate, I had midterms and assignments, leaving me 2 days to work on a huge project (although I had all the designs and stuff). I didn't have much time, considering I need to make a magazine and a model. The write up of the 12 pages essay took me quite some while...

I thought this would be a fun project, since the professor wanted our creativity, I boldly proposed to her my idea of treating this as a design project. She said sure. I was so excited! Like very excited. Ideas kept popping up in my mind, thoughts were just spewing in my brain back and forth. When it came to designing my own personal leadership paradigm, wow! Ideas came naturally, one after another. The original inspiration of a classic perfume bottle didn't work too well, so I modified it, and there it goes, my perfume bottle inspired leadership paradigm model.

Really enjoyed the process of cutting out paper and boards, drawing lines and all that...totally was in a different world. Didn't even bothered to do other stuff - super concentrated. The next day I started on writing the 12 page essay, surprisingly, I finished in a little more than 6 hours. Maybe I knew I had a magazine to work on during the night, I was still a little awake when I was heading home with AF from Robarts past 12.

Sitting there at home working on the layout...I did not stop. Finished dinner at 1ish and started on the project. Charging through, I had no pause in between. I worked until 8am when my weary body was exhausted and needed a nap (I was super sick too). Normally my naps take forever, but this time I woke up in 2 hours and continued with the final editing and adding additional sections to the magazine.

Rushed to FedEx to get it printed, rushed home to start on my presentation slides...didn't have time to write a script and I then ran to class. Surprisingly, the presentation was like a bliss (though I probably would have done better if I prepped for it). I enjoyed sharing my design in class and seeing people be inspired by my leadership model. Different from many, but that's essentially how I viewed leadership.

I felt a little down afterwards when I was walking home with ML. Not just because my last presentation and essay in undergrad ended, but for the fact that I realized what I love to do. I'm sure you all have a time when you can just work and work and work because you love what you are doing. Same for me. Knowing that my body will crash because I didn't sleep the night before, I still did it. It felt amazing.

It feels a little late to go peruse what I love now...but I do pray to have this passion in me while serving God :)

In My Little World, God Showed Me...

Had a wonderful afternoon chatting with MN :D Hehe, thank you for listening to me! :)

Don't even know how long we've actually spent talking to each other, it's wonderful because at times where I thought I could share to no one, you took the time out to hear me out. Our chat reminded me of a lot of things, a lot of values I've held on in the beginning of this year. This school year serving the fellowship had got me caught in many other things, it's like a car without a windshield wiper on a stormy day. I lost my focus, and even for myself, I forgot about the things I've said.

I've always hoped to be vulnerable to people, to share with them. I didn't want sharing becoming another pity party, but a time where we can all just be vulnerable and comfortable with one another to share about our struggles. It may be true that no one can actually help, but we have one another to pray or to pray with each other - I forgot all this...

This past month, I literally pushed away everyone who would potentially care (haha...there was a point where I felt no one cares about me at all). I didn't want people to worry, so I would put on a smile every time I'm out and think that "I can fool them all." For the ones that were not close with me, yes, a confirmation of "I'm okay" perfectly did it's job right. For those who knows me, I'm pretty sure I worried them a lot more. Hereby I apologize to you all :)

I was stuck in my own little world, but God showed me the same exactly vision He placed in my heart a year ago through this wonderful sister's words. Thank you Lord! It was amazing to be reminded in this very special way :) 

Not By My Own Efforts

In an email she said:

"Thank you for always being there for me when I'm freaking out, happy, worried, it means a lot for me to have a friend like you! :)"

Wow! A little overwhelmed! Maybe not just a little, but very? :P

Loving a friend into His Kingdom is not easy. I get impatient, especially at times where my mind has wandered off. At the same time, there is so much joy in knowing that they see the love you have towards them :)

A little sharing, this friend is a non-believer. She shared a little with me and when I asked her "can I pray for you," she said yes :D - last time I was too afraid to ask. She didn't know exactly what prayer was, and so we had a chat about it. Definitely have to say, it was a really rewarding chat, cause back to basics, I had to rephrase things that I know for her to understand. Questions, she asked me a lot of questions! :) I loved it! :D

Sometimes, I feel like sharing with her gives me a lot of comfort. She might not be a person to pray with me (well...I don't have anyone to pray with me on a regular basis anyway), but she listens and doesn't judge me as if I'm not doing something properly. I'm really blessed to have a friend like her.

I was once again reminded of compassion. God has been showing where I can use this gift He has giving me, but I seem to not see the need to use it wisely enough. This time, compassion just flowed right through by God's grace, especially when I did not feel like doing so at all. Praise Him! Once again, not by my own efforts :)

Insecurity: Body Image

Again tonight, I'm battling again with the feeling of insecurity.

That day I forwarded a devo to a lovely sister about insecurity, it spoke to me and thus I sent it off to her so that she may be blessed by it too. Maybe that day it spoke to me, but it did not speak to my heart.

Today, I went back and read it again and this is what I was finding:

"Believing the truth about where you are in Christ destroys feelings of insecurity."

It's funny, because I've been meaning to type a post on my insecurities this afternoon, but I was not vulnerable enough to do so. I was pushing my feelings aside and just let it slide and slip pass me. Until this evening, when the word "fat" popped up, my world was literally turned upside down, and I felt like shaken. As weird as this metaphor sounds, it felt like I was a garbage bin, and sometimes you know when you are lazy, you turn your garbage bin upside down, shake everything out and reuse the bag. I felt like that just now. While walking home alone (thank you for God protecting me ;) I was so scared), tears were streaming down, yet I felt peaceful and that God was healing me.

Ever since I am conscious of my being, I've always try to make meaning of where exact I fit in this world. Truth is, I've still have not found it.

I struggle a lot with body image. Ever since I was a child, doing ballet has shaped my idea of "normal." Not to mention swimming later on. As a swimmer, many of us were cautious of our bodies. We needed to keep ourselves thin so that we are streamlined with the water. Doesn't make sense? How about I'll tell you that during competitions, our swimsuits not only was paper thin, but we wear them one size smaller. We were proud of being able to fit into a 34 instead of a 36. If someone has to wear a 38, oh wells, they'd had a hard time fitting in.

I was so intense back then. Naturally, I'm built with broad shoulders and being a breaststroke swimming, that didn't help much. My bones are actually dense and heavy too. There was a period of time where I would starve myself just to not be heavier. I've gained muscles, I've grew taller, but my weight never changed - quite scary eh? Up until a point, I was wearing a long sleeves track suit, and I still felt cold under the sun in HK when it was 25+ degrees Celsius (and athletes have really high metabolism already).

Still now, I still consider myself fat. I know I have no belly, and yes...I don't. Maybe a lot of girls are jealous of it, but I won't be. It's a sign of me still battling this insecurity of body image every day. Sometimes, things only have to be said once and it will stick for life. Some people say: "tell a girl that she's pretty everyday, she may still not believe you. But if you tell her that she is ugly once, it will ruin her life." I understand that completely. My coach told me once, just once...that I am fat and it's been years and I still can't get it out.

I'm thankful though :) While walking home, I felt a sense of peace. Why? Cause maybe this time it didn't hit me just in my brain, it started to hit my heart. It's painful I'd have to say. I don't think I'll ever forget, and this will continue to be my battle. For one thing I know though, is that every time something like this happens, going back to God is the best thing to do. Putting Him first, even in struggles. I'm learning...and will continue to learn.

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

[Sorry I was a little sensitive, it really is a sensitive thing for me. I don't blame people who don't know, and this post isn't a post to upset people, it's just my own learning process...to find my identity in Him :) It's also a sharing to those who actually read this, so that you may know me better :D]

Lack of Faith

I confess that I've been lacking in faith, in every area in my life. School, future, mission trip, relationships...

So I've dug out my old journal and started reading from the back. First page I flipped to, it was ranting because I was so miserable this past summer. Flip...flip...flip. Something caught my eye, this is what I wrote down:

Naturally, anxiety is the result when I focus on things other than God and His will for my life. (June 3rd, 2011)

Part of the journal entry next to this was:

Joy is not the result of outward circumstances. Joy is an inside job, a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control. Every trial or loss, every defeated or victory measured against this confidences can be counted as joy. (May 28th, 2011).

Flip...flip...flip...Another one:

When the waves of trials hit our heart and home, the spiritual discipline of trusting God helps us to breath through the squeeze of each pressure. (May 8th, 2011).

It's interesting to see the things I've written down last summer when I was so frustrated with myself and with God. I have to say, I haven't been journalling in this way for the past few weeks. Every journal entry may be praising God for His blessings, yet I haven't been writing down my struggles at all. My lacking in faith was not because I simply don't trust in God, but my lacking in faith is because I don't trust that God will bring me through this.

Prayer, prayers, and more prayers. Need to go back to God and retreat in Him.

Another thing that appeared in my journal, and may this be my prayer :)

You promised that if we know You, we will know true joy. Joy is not merely happiness but rather an unshakable confidence that You are in control. Lord I pray that I'll be able to find joy in you. For the friends who are also lacking in faith, may we find that confidence in You and in You alone. Amen.

Pursuing Joy

The first thing to give up is the pursuing of happiness.

I found myself stuck in the cycle of pursuing happiness. When I'm frustrated, I spend time trying to figure out what would make me happy, and then do that. In the end...after a spiked feeling of happiness, I will drop back down into a frustrating state.

These things simply can be like a cup of ice cream or anything that I love to eat. They bring me an instant satisfaction, a sudden fulfillment that will be gone shortly.

This passage reminded me of what is more important:

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:2-4

I don't want that cheap thrill of satisfaction. I want something more, a long lasting joy found in Christ. I pray for a renewal of heart daily, knowing that the only road that leads to joy and fulfillment is in Him.

Seeing God's Grace in My Anger

Disclaimer: This is a very personal sharing...just ignore it if you want ;)

"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry"
Ephesians 4:26

This was the first verse that popped into my mind this evening. (Read Psalm 4 if you want :))

I'm not a person that can easily demonstrate honesty in my feelings. Based on past comments and "things that I hear from people," I've actually grown to be quite reluctant to honestly tell people how I felt, especially when the feelings are negative.

Lately I've been a little stressed out, not completely sure of why exactly, but my temper has been fluctuating a lot. I blame it on school work :P (excuses...). Deep inside I know there's something that's been bothering me, and maybe this is God's sign for me to take that extra step?

This last semester of undergrad has been a season of learning forgiveness and reconciliation for me personally. God has been challenging me the thought of not holding back and postponing honesty. It's interesting how this verse is presented in chapter 4 of Ephesians, right after 3 chapters of theologically focused, emphasizing NT doctrines. Like always, Paul likes to sandwich in practicality within his letters. This verse was right on talking about Christian behavior, especially in the context of "the Christian's Walk (NASB)/Living as Children of Light (NIV)."

This verse kept ringing in my head when I was upset, first I didn't know why. Later on, I realized that the anger mentioned in this passage is - bitterness. I felt bitter...not only about one thing, but many. So, I guess I decided to be honest, and tell the person of how I felt. In particular, this act is not to condemn in any way, but to be vulnerable to criticisms, gossips of my act, and you know...all that which potentially comes along with this "foolish" act. After that, I felt a sense of peace in my heart. This allowed me not to idolize bitterness. A tiny dose of bitterness can grow in hostility, and you know how bad that can become.

This whole little episode in my life reminded me of God's grace. God is always so patient with us. We make mistakes, we fail, yet He continues to love us, teach us and to show us how we can grow. This was the very question that DO asked us during committee sharing: In what area of your life or leadership you struggle to live in grace? Or what role does grace play in your life?

A great question to ask oneself as a central feature of gospel-centered living is living a life defined by grace as opposed to living a life defined work :) - How does grace play a role in your life?

Who Would Think So?

Got to hear some traditional English accent from one of the directors of our partnership organization :) Quite interesting to hear about the different cultures.

After that conference call, the things that we would be doing overseas seems to be very challenging. Not the sharing the Gospel part, cause I trust that God will take charge of that. The challenging thing is...who would think that 1st world countries are much more extreme in being anti-Chrisitanity.

People say that it's hard for adults to believe in the Gospel, maybe that's true. The more you know, the more you think you know, the harder it is, because you would come into things with various assumptions, schema and stereotypes. This reminded me of having child-like faith:

^"People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:13-16

It was a very good reflection of what my faith is to me personally. Many challenges ahead...but I'll be keeping this in mind - before doing anything, we shall devote ourselves in prayer, be watchful and thankful (from Colossians 4:2).

Attitude Check

A great reminder from God during reflection today - an attitude check.

It's amazing to see God's work when all four of us ladies sit together sharing and praying during our missions team meeting. There might be different things that we all struggle through, and have learned in the past week, what really strikes is the fact that there was a central theme within all of our stories.

God is good! He knows clearly what everyone of us needs. Whether it is challenges, faith, trust, reconciliation, forgive, it all goes back to His love. His love, is what we show to others as Christians. His love, is essentially the underlying intention of the Gospel.

Anyway...too much talk, been digressing a few times, I think it's time to rest :P

Pray For the Nations

One year ago yesterday was Japan's 2011 earthquake.

Last week, there has been the Kony 2012 video that was circulating around on facebook and on other internet sites. Surprisingly, within 48 hours, this video even brought on a debate in our leadership class last Thursday. In the beginning of this debate, there clearly was two arguments presented on two different platforms. As a debator, you know that nothing is a debate unless you bring them on equal levels, yet at the same time when you do so, you will find that the thing that you are arguing about does not seem to exist, it's merely just a different point of view coming into contact. (Anyway, enough debate talk). So originally I did not want to add my opinions into the debate...but...sadly enough, you'll see me heat up, steaming in my chair. In the end, I couldn't refrain on adding myself into the debate to sum it up in a way (yet I did present my stance on this video after reading a lot on it).

The issue that comes along is not what Kony 2012 has brought to the Western world. The issue is people's indifference about injustice in the world in general. It may be true that circulating the video would help capture Kony, how about the aftermath? Note that I'm not saying that the video did not serve it's purpose in marketing this issue. I'm strictly talking about people's mentality and indifference in general. Kony 2012 seems to be the daily news that we talk about. A few days, the whole talk, the whole debate, the whole act of circulation in a way halted. Did people's "passion" on this topic died? How many of the people furiously talking about it still care?

I'm not saying this merely to condemn people, neither do I have this intention, cause this very blog post is written as a reminder for myself. I need to remind myself to pray for different nations around the world, pray for those who are living in injustice.

• Japan's earthquake in 2011
• Haiti's earthquake in 2010
• Sichuan's earthquake in 2008
• Kony 2012 - Children's army in Uganda
• Human trafficking in Cambodia
• ....

The list goes on an on...these are the only few that popped up in my mind when I'm typing this.  I'm sure there's a lot more going on out there in the world that I'm not aware of.

I know my efforts as one individual is limited, yet I believe and trust in God's power. I might not be the one that's called to actively so something, I can still pray for the people there and the people working there to help restore :)

Support...Groups(?!)

In Mathew 7:24-25 Jesus said, “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the storm rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because is had its foundation on the rock.”

This is the very support that I seek first for. I want to be standing on solid rock, something that is never changing. Your house is not just you. The house that is being built is something more, it is the place where you store everything that you have. In this house, you may have clutter. Once in a while you need to clear it up, throw out some old memories and put them in the past.

Think of a traveler with their backpack. During a 3 months trip, they may have bought more items along the way, that weighs down their pack. On the other hand, they may have taken in more emotional experiences. And yes, these will weigh them down too.

Constantly been bombarded with the concept of support group this semester, either people tell me that I need a support group, or that other people complain to me that they don't have a support group. Truly enough, we do need tangible support groups, yet who do we actually go to when we need support? Do we go back to God? And does our support group go back to Biblical wisdom and/or direct you back to God?

God makes no mistakes. He doesn't put people in my life for no reason and take them away for no reason. One thing that I've been learning this year is that my ultimate support comes from Christ. There may be people around thinking / wanting to be a support to me. Maybe sometimes it's not them not being loving, it's really me that I don't receive love in that way. The people who are still around me supporting me always directs me back to God. Countless rants, and I still end up on my knees praying to God. Countless tears, and I still end up being immersed in the presence of God.

Maybe that's the support group that I need. One that directs me back to God and prays for me. Thank you for those who have made this year's tears and pain worth it :) You know who you are, no need to say much!

A sister wrote this to me, and it's so true: It's my blessing to have such an awesome (tho God is more awesome) sister <3

Unexpected

So unprepared, yet so amazed!

Today, my friend ML asked me about Christianity on the way home. Very unexpected! It was out of no where because I never thought she would ask. She was always my top 1, a person that I would want to share the Gospel with, and today I finally got the opportunity.

Have yet to had a chance to share my testimony cause the walk home was really short. I shared the Gospel with her and she told me she wanted to know more. I invited her for a meet up just to talk about things :) for me to share my testimony and to answer some of her questions.

Praise God :D