This shall be my last reflection post on Urbana.
I've decided to share about this part of Urbana not because it's personal. That itself is true, but more so, I wish to include and invite you all who is reading in this journey of mine.
For those who have been to Urbana, you all know that there's a night of decision making (honestly, I made my decision before that occurred...regardless, let's continue) There of course are several different check boxes for us to check or not check in the decision card. Of what decision I made is seriously not that important - more so is that I decided to put His will before mine.
Practicing radical obedience is not easy. The tendency and temptation to laze out and to waste life is more salient than I ever thought of it to be. To be conscious of how much time I'm allocating on things I enjoy doing - i.e. watching movies and shows - is very itching. Reflecting of how many hours I've been watching stuff in a week is shocking. In comparison...my hours of picking up a book, doing devos, or reading the Word is of no significant in my weekly span of life. Rooting myself down to read and not hang out / chill with people required much more disciplined than I originally thought. But I'm learning :) and our heavenly Father has been gracious and merciful when I failed again and again.
Being attentive has also been difficult. The impulse of doing things on a spur, reacting in ways spontaneously is sometimes by hindsight known as irrational. Haha. So if you may pray for me that I'll be attentive and disciplined in Him.
Anyhow. I've digressed.
The night where decision cards were placed in front of our seats. I was burdened in a way. The idea of commitment again came to haunt me. Yet, God spoke to me through a missionary's wife's testimony (which reminded me of Elisabeth Elliot - really want to hear her speak!!!). The reality, the mundane, the years of serving in a foreign land is not easy. Not only does it require faith, but enormous amounts of obedience. Daily submission is required, if not by seconds. It was so realistic of a story that challenged me to ask myself this question: are you ready for this if God calls you to? Honestly speaking, I'm not. I still need to be baby-ed, hand held, and taught. I was inspired by this Godly woman. How it reminded me of the days of being female devotional leader at CCF, how I read so much about being a Godly women. It was beyond my reach in many ways after listening to her, yet her gentle but convicting words spoke deep into my heart. "Your life is not a waste" and the idea along where you'll waste it if you don't answer His call. She said she herself had to fill in a commitment card to recommit her life to God. Profound! Profound indeed!
I'm not going to publicly post what decision I made that night. You can personally ask me when you see me or ask me :) Anyway...one thing to end off with - God is good! In measures beyond what we can imagine. His great invitation is for everyone. The simple and most fundamental one is to surrender your life to Him.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Urbana Reflection 2: Worship Prayer Room
In hindsight, the most most most significant activity for me at Urbana was my time spent in the worship prayer room.
On the last day, I decided to walk into the worship prayer room to re-experience the intimacy with God I had while spending moments in the prayer room everyday at Mark Central. Before lunch, I was contemplating what to do. On my list there was: book shopping, visiting exhibits, IFES reception, art lounge, prayer with TCCF people...etc. Trying to fit all that into 3 hours was an overwhelming thought. Bumping into people saying goodbyes at that stadium was also bleh for me...I clearly needed rest. However, prayer was not one of the items on my list.
For some reason...as if He planned it all - I talked to NK while waiting for TCCF peeps, and we decided to walk away for a bit to take a breath of fresh air. By the time we were back to meet TCCF people, they were all gone and even though we walked a few time around the whole AC center, we couldn't find them. Slowly we made our way to the bookstore, got some books and then we stood their wondering where to go. I looked up and saw the prayer rooms and suggested to go in one of them.
Walked and walked...we decided to settle for the last room we passed by which was the worship prayer room. It was so crowded inside that I was thinking of turning around going back to the exhibit. Yet somehow we ended there. Sitting there in the middle of the room...I closed my eyes. In the beginning I was wondering why people were lying on the floor...and as soon as I knew, I was in a little world of my own. Now that I think of it, I don't know what I was exactly praying for...but the experience was liberating. I felt like I was freed from my burdens. Later I journaled in the room as there was worship music playing in the background. I was "wow" every moment when I was journalling about something, the songs spoke directly to me, as if the songs were God's way of responding to my thoughts.
It's again quite an experience that I can't really articulate. Maybe some time down the road when I read this again, I will feel dumb for the inadequacy of expressing my feelings through this experience, but I'm sure for one thing is that it will bring me back to that moment - though the room was packed with people and the other people next to us was rowdy, but it was an intimate moment between God and I where no one were to be able to intrude, and I hope to worship Him likewise for the years to come :)
On the last day, I decided to walk into the worship prayer room to re-experience the intimacy with God I had while spending moments in the prayer room everyday at Mark Central. Before lunch, I was contemplating what to do. On my list there was: book shopping, visiting exhibits, IFES reception, art lounge, prayer with TCCF people...etc. Trying to fit all that into 3 hours was an overwhelming thought. Bumping into people saying goodbyes at that stadium was also bleh for me...I clearly needed rest. However, prayer was not one of the items on my list.
For some reason...as if He planned it all - I talked to NK while waiting for TCCF peeps, and we decided to walk away for a bit to take a breath of fresh air. By the time we were back to meet TCCF people, they were all gone and even though we walked a few time around the whole AC center, we couldn't find them. Slowly we made our way to the bookstore, got some books and then we stood their wondering where to go. I looked up and saw the prayer rooms and suggested to go in one of them.
Walked and walked...we decided to settle for the last room we passed by which was the worship prayer room. It was so crowded inside that I was thinking of turning around going back to the exhibit. Yet somehow we ended there. Sitting there in the middle of the room...I closed my eyes. In the beginning I was wondering why people were lying on the floor...and as soon as I knew, I was in a little world of my own. Now that I think of it, I don't know what I was exactly praying for...but the experience was liberating. I felt like I was freed from my burdens. Later I journaled in the room as there was worship music playing in the background. I was "wow" every moment when I was journalling about something, the songs spoke directly to me, as if the songs were God's way of responding to my thoughts.
It's again quite an experience that I can't really articulate. Maybe some time down the road when I read this again, I will feel dumb for the inadequacy of expressing my feelings through this experience, but I'm sure for one thing is that it will bring me back to that moment - though the room was packed with people and the other people next to us was rowdy, but it was an intimate moment between God and I where no one were to be able to intrude, and I hope to worship Him likewise for the years to come :)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Urbana Reflection 1: Pursed by God
Before Urbana, I've always wonder what it means for God to be constantly pursuing us. I struggled with that the most. Not sure what it exactly mean...I always felt alone.
It seemed that God was far far away. He doesn't seem to be tangible.
This time at Urbana, I was able to really experience His love in a more than tangible way. Throughout my life, I've really never experienced the feeling of constantly being pursued. People give up on me, relationships fail, betrayals...etc. The idea that someone would pursue me is more than surreal of a concept. For me, accepting love from others, especially brothers and sisters, is maybe seemingly impossible of an idea. I love to push loved ones away, because in that case I know I'm sheltered from the possibility of hurt. Not to mention, I'd rather give than receive because humility is so much needed. Sinful as I know, I am always tempted to follow merit gospel - that I need to earn my salvation with work. It is always painful to go to the grace gospel, because I need to lay down my pride and accept that God is loving me willingly and mercifully without any conditions.
While at Urbana, I was so overwhelmed by His love. If I were to describe the experience, it's like bring covered by waves and waves of intimacy without having a moment to stick your head out of the water to breath. You only know that you're bathed in His embrace, His promises, His reassurances. It rocked me out of my boat (as much as it did for Simon :P)! The idea of water edge - boat / shallow waters - deep waters. The growth of intimacy. Bombarding!!! The invading of Him in my own life. Probing of opening up simply to Him alone. I was so surprised and in awe. Not only His love for me, but for the rest of the 16000 people there. If I can't even describe His love for me in quantity, I have no idea to imagine or picture His love for the world.
Anyhow...this is little sneak peek of one out of many of my reflections.
It seemed that God was far far away. He doesn't seem to be tangible.
This time at Urbana, I was able to really experience His love in a more than tangible way. Throughout my life, I've really never experienced the feeling of constantly being pursued. People give up on me, relationships fail, betrayals...etc. The idea that someone would pursue me is more than surreal of a concept. For me, accepting love from others, especially brothers and sisters, is maybe seemingly impossible of an idea. I love to push loved ones away, because in that case I know I'm sheltered from the possibility of hurt. Not to mention, I'd rather give than receive because humility is so much needed. Sinful as I know, I am always tempted to follow merit gospel - that I need to earn my salvation with work. It is always painful to go to the grace gospel, because I need to lay down my pride and accept that God is loving me willingly and mercifully without any conditions.
While at Urbana, I was so overwhelmed by His love. If I were to describe the experience, it's like bring covered by waves and waves of intimacy without having a moment to stick your head out of the water to breath. You only know that you're bathed in His embrace, His promises, His reassurances. It rocked me out of my boat (as much as it did for Simon :P)! The idea of water edge - boat / shallow waters - deep waters. The growth of intimacy. Bombarding!!! The invading of Him in my own life. Probing of opening up simply to Him alone. I was so surprised and in awe. Not only His love for me, but for the rest of the 16000 people there. If I can't even describe His love for me in quantity, I have no idea to imagine or picture His love for the world.
Anyhow...this is little sneak peek of one out of many of my reflections.
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