This morning I woke up thinking in bed - although Christmas is not until tomorrow, what does Christmas mean to you?
The first word that popped up in my mind was Immanuel, I guess that's because I've been reading Henri Nouwen's book - Compassion lately. Immanuel = God with us. I think that itself means a lot. It's not only a promise, but an act of love that God sent His only son down for us.
Anyhow, keeping this short cause need to run some errands before Urbana.
What does Christmas mean to you, my lovelies?
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Happy Birthday
A day of reflection.
3 years ago, I chose to get baptized. 3 years from now...I wonder how I'll be living as a Christian.
3 years ago, I chose to get baptized. 3 years from now...I wonder how I'll be living as a Christian.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Savory.Bitter.Sweet
I haven't had chocolate in a long time, especially my favourite dark chocolate! When I say a long time, I mean it's been more than a year since the last time I bought myself a pack of Lindt Dark Chocolate.
Yesterday while I was doing some stress-grocery-shopping, I came across it and decided to pick up a few packs. Consuming dark chocolate to me comes along with a certain mood or emotional state, I don't quite often eat it, but that I love the bittersweet sensation of it, that moment when the slice of chocolate is slowly melting in your mouth.
While standing in front of the shelf where many different kinds of chocolate resides, I was astonished of how many new kinds of dark chocolate are on the market. In the end, I reached out to the sea salt one. Surprisingly, it gave me an amazing taste experience when I got home. Indulged it with some black coffee while studying throughout the night, waiting to head to work at 430am.
The small encounter between dark chocolate and black coffee reminded me of life while studying. (haha! don't they always say that thoughts come to you when you're up late at night eh?!) I once read a book talking about life. The author described that life is like a cup of black coffee - if you were to purposely add milk and sugar to it, you'll destroy the originality (taste) of it. In my own words, I feel like it's an act to cover up intentionally the reality with our own imaginary fantasies. Though the experience sugar-coated, the reality does not fade away. The author further went on saying that black coffee is for everyone, because only some will be able to taste the sweetness through the overwhelming bitterness.
When I stared at the piece of dark chocolate in my hand. I began to think: isn't dark chocolate a better description of life? At least of my own life? Dark chocolate is bitter sweet. The bitterness is like the life we live - not every moment is light and jolly as we expect it to be, yet there is also the joy that partially encompasses the experience. While munching on the piece of sea salt dark chocolate, the sea salt enhanced the flavour of this experience of mine. This reminded me of God's promises in life. This tiny flavour enhancer amplified the sweetness sensation. The little pieces of sea salt are like the reminders that there is joy within the experiences. We may not know exactly why we have the peace we have when things seem to be toppling over, but we can still rejoice through the experience.
I may not know where is God in certain relationships, may not know where He wants me to be at times, but I'll rejoice as I am reminded this day :)
(haha...just vomited out my thoughts...not quite sure if things made sense at all)
Yesterday while I was doing some stress-grocery-shopping, I came across it and decided to pick up a few packs. Consuming dark chocolate to me comes along with a certain mood or emotional state, I don't quite often eat it, but that I love the bittersweet sensation of it, that moment when the slice of chocolate is slowly melting in your mouth.
While standing in front of the shelf where many different kinds of chocolate resides, I was astonished of how many new kinds of dark chocolate are on the market. In the end, I reached out to the sea salt one. Surprisingly, it gave me an amazing taste experience when I got home. Indulged it with some black coffee while studying throughout the night, waiting to head to work at 430am.
The small encounter between dark chocolate and black coffee reminded me of life while studying. (haha! don't they always say that thoughts come to you when you're up late at night eh?!) I once read a book talking about life. The author described that life is like a cup of black coffee - if you were to purposely add milk and sugar to it, you'll destroy the originality (taste) of it. In my own words, I feel like it's an act to cover up intentionally the reality with our own imaginary fantasies. Though the experience sugar-coated, the reality does not fade away. The author further went on saying that black coffee is for everyone, because only some will be able to taste the sweetness through the overwhelming bitterness.
When I stared at the piece of dark chocolate in my hand. I began to think: isn't dark chocolate a better description of life? At least of my own life? Dark chocolate is bitter sweet. The bitterness is like the life we live - not every moment is light and jolly as we expect it to be, yet there is also the joy that partially encompasses the experience. While munching on the piece of sea salt dark chocolate, the sea salt enhanced the flavour of this experience of mine. This reminded me of God's promises in life. This tiny flavour enhancer amplified the sweetness sensation. The little pieces of sea salt are like the reminders that there is joy within the experiences. We may not know exactly why we have the peace we have when things seem to be toppling over, but we can still rejoice through the experience.
I may not know where is God in certain relationships, may not know where He wants me to be at times, but I'll rejoice as I am reminded this day :)
(haha...just vomited out my thoughts...not quite sure if things made sense at all)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Your Grace
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10Many times I have given my friends this verse as an encouragement when they seem to be in a difficult situation. And today while I was praying, God put this in my heart. Speaking of reciting verses, I fail at it, but the few words "My grace is sufficient for you" was planted in my pea-brain.
Sitting in the library, trying to focus on the work that needs to be done before Wednesday, I'm so stressed out. Today during group meeting, I was assigned to do proofread and finalizing the cost schedule for our final group project (which I completely forgot it's existence...). So one more thing was added to my list and that means my week isn't ending until Saturday...but then...Saturday does not mean I have a rest day because I have to go uptown on Saturday night. I was so devastated, and all I could say to God in my prayers was that - please help me through this, I know it's a lot to ask from You God, but You know what's on my mind. There's just seemingly too much for me to handle.
Decided to spend some time simply resting in Him and listening to Him. Was scared to spend too much time...because I needed to compromise working time. So I went out for a mini photo shoot because I need to get familiar with the camera, but then it quickly ran out of batteries...while plugged in with my iPod...I was "hmmm...maybe I should then go back to work."
In a span of 2 hours, I typed 8 pages. I was astonished...by my productivity while being so distracted by many things. In the middle of it...I got phone calls, texts that I can't really ignore, but I pulled through most of my assignment until I can't finish without further instructions.
I've always felt that I was very distant from God these days, especially when I felt like nothing was going right - my way. Yet God showed me love. His love was so abundant. I cried at ISM meeting today during small group prayer because it was until then that I realized how faithful He is while I'm a complete wreck. Revisiting many things, I just can't be in awe of who He is...and as you see...I can't even put it into words. This feeling is not something that I can articulate.
Anyway, need to go back to work. And I'll leave this quote with you all...I read it in one of my devo subscriptions today.
Whether God gives us more than we imagined or far less than we desired, we can trust that His plans are much better than ours.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Rekindle the Spirit
Oddly enough, rekindle the spirit is Starbucks' slogan for the holiday season. But seriously, I'm not here to sell more Starbucks, cause I drink more than enough everyday myself that I think I'm getting quite sick of it.
Yesterday I woke up with a facebook message, and my eye's were glowing. A friend would loves snails, she wrote an essay on snails and slugs. All the way from Czech, she asked me out of everyone to proofread her essay for her. "hmmmm..." it was a short notice, and had to be done quickly before evening. Contemplating whether to do it or not (she gave me the option not to), I still did so.
Upon opening up the document, noticing that it was only slightly more than a page single spaced, I took my time to read it through. Philosophically as usual, she wrote about snails, slugs, and the huts they carry. The story reminded me of her journey of faith, even so mine. How am I once like the little snail that was willing to give up the hut, not care of how others see me, and become a free slug? Yet, old habits, insecurity, and fear had always again and again been my excuses to retrieve back to my little hut that's seemingly reflecting security, protection, and safety. Finding a hut is not hard. We always idolize things in our lives to trick ourselves that "this is enough and will satisfy me." However, just as C.S. Lewis puts it in Mere Christianity "Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world."
The words and the message in the essay was not directed to me, though I somehow "by coincidence" was able to read it. It was refreshing, and definitely rekindled something within me that have been dull and stagnant for a while. And for all this, even though seemingly small, I praise God for it!
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Have been focusing on praying, asking for courage and faith. To be honest, within my own life, I've been focusing on praying for the future. The coming year is going to be a test of faith, and I really am praying that through the opportunities that God has already given me, I'll be able to have the courage to step out and take a leap of faith. People ask me the question - where will you be if you take that? The answer is - I don't know. I truly will be sent to somewhere possibly new and unknown.
It's been hard going through prayers as there are many things to pray about these days. Other than praying for people regularly and this...other aspects of life have been put aside. Demanding enough, I really wish that I can make a decision after Urbana. Maybe God will speak through that opportunity He gave me at Urbana, not only to experiencing Him, but also another realm of things.
Yesterday I woke up with a facebook message, and my eye's were glowing. A friend would loves snails, she wrote an essay on snails and slugs. All the way from Czech, she asked me out of everyone to proofread her essay for her. "hmmmm..." it was a short notice, and had to be done quickly before evening. Contemplating whether to do it or not (she gave me the option not to), I still did so.
Upon opening up the document, noticing that it was only slightly more than a page single spaced, I took my time to read it through. Philosophically as usual, she wrote about snails, slugs, and the huts they carry. The story reminded me of her journey of faith, even so mine. How am I once like the little snail that was willing to give up the hut, not care of how others see me, and become a free slug? Yet, old habits, insecurity, and fear had always again and again been my excuses to retrieve back to my little hut that's seemingly reflecting security, protection, and safety. Finding a hut is not hard. We always idolize things in our lives to trick ourselves that "this is enough and will satisfy me." However, just as C.S. Lewis puts it in Mere Christianity "Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world."
The words and the message in the essay was not directed to me, though I somehow "by coincidence" was able to read it. It was refreshing, and definitely rekindled something within me that have been dull and stagnant for a while. And for all this, even though seemingly small, I praise God for it!
------
Have been focusing on praying, asking for courage and faith. To be honest, within my own life, I've been focusing on praying for the future. The coming year is going to be a test of faith, and I really am praying that through the opportunities that God has already given me, I'll be able to have the courage to step out and take a leap of faith. People ask me the question - where will you be if you take that? The answer is - I don't know. I truly will be sent to somewhere possibly new and unknown.
It's been hard going through prayers as there are many things to pray about these days. Other than praying for people regularly and this...other aspects of life have been put aside. Demanding enough, I really wish that I can make a decision after Urbana. Maybe God will speak through that opportunity He gave me at Urbana, not only to experiencing Him, but also another realm of things.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Maximizing this Gift
Got an email from a friend just now about the delicacy of life. Though I'm very focused on getting some work done before church today, I've decided to drop it aside and share a little.
Most people have a routine after waking up every morning. Some toss and turn in their beds for a while, and then head straight to the bathroom. Some shower in the morning before doing anything else. Some...like me...sit, shower, and drink a large glass of water before starting my day. Regardless, it's less of my concern of how we live our routines - the more important thing is, do we give thanks to God for giving us another day to live?
I remember 3 major accidents (not to mention the minor ones that happens a few times every week) that happened in the past 5 months. Every time I think about them, it sends chills down my spin. So close - just that close. I would have died if the timing was missed by a split second.
Relating to my experiences lately [been wanting to type a blog on it for the longest time but have yet to find the time], I've learned one simple thing - to glorify God wherever you are. It sounds so cliche, but it's not something that we constantly are reminded of. Everyday, the society pushes us to strive for more. Our own ambitions nudges us to go that extra mile merely for our own pleasures. Competitiveness and pride overrules us with the notion that we are never satisfied, and we end up wanting more and more. Self-sufficiency simply draws us away from God Himself.
The paradox (maybe this isn't even the right word to use) of surrender and freedom. Lately as I try my best to deepening my relationship with Him, I realized that burdens are lifted up automatically. Every time I go back to the cross, have my eyes fixed on His glory, everything simply fades away as if they never existed. Problems are no longer as large as they are, because He gives you rest and refuge. Every time I get yelled at work because of injustice issues...prayer leads me back to Him and He simply puts a smile again to face the next customer :)
Just wanted to encourage you all that would ever read this to spend time with Christ today. Your life is truly a gift from Him, the freedom that you have been given to you freely, and there's always hope at time when you feel like everything is going wrong (struggles with sin, with problems, even simply with life).
Most people have a routine after waking up every morning. Some toss and turn in their beds for a while, and then head straight to the bathroom. Some shower in the morning before doing anything else. Some...like me...sit, shower, and drink a large glass of water before starting my day. Regardless, it's less of my concern of how we live our routines - the more important thing is, do we give thanks to God for giving us another day to live?
I remember 3 major accidents (not to mention the minor ones that happens a few times every week) that happened in the past 5 months. Every time I think about them, it sends chills down my spin. So close - just that close. I would have died if the timing was missed by a split second.
Relating to my experiences lately [been wanting to type a blog on it for the longest time but have yet to find the time], I've learned one simple thing - to glorify God wherever you are. It sounds so cliche, but it's not something that we constantly are reminded of. Everyday, the society pushes us to strive for more. Our own ambitions nudges us to go that extra mile merely for our own pleasures. Competitiveness and pride overrules us with the notion that we are never satisfied, and we end up wanting more and more. Self-sufficiency simply draws us away from God Himself.
The paradox (maybe this isn't even the right word to use) of surrender and freedom. Lately as I try my best to deepening my relationship with Him, I realized that burdens are lifted up automatically. Every time I go back to the cross, have my eyes fixed on His glory, everything simply fades away as if they never existed. Problems are no longer as large as they are, because He gives you rest and refuge. Every time I get yelled at work because of injustice issues...prayer leads me back to Him and He simply puts a smile again to face the next customer :)
Just wanted to encourage you all that would ever read this to spend time with Christ today. Your life is truly a gift from Him, the freedom that you have been given to you freely, and there's always hope at time when you feel like everything is going wrong (struggles with sin, with problems, even simply with life).
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." Acts 20:24
Monday, October 1, 2012
A Small Update
Been really tired and bummed out lately. Work has been draining, and it was at one time really difficult for me to find a purpose of why Starbucks...
Slowly as I work through my thoughts, and dwell in His words...I find that living the life you're called to is just that simple! Sometimes we over-think questions like: why am I here for? What is God calling me to? What is my vocation?...
For me (at least in the time being), I've learned that maybe God's will for us is simply to live your life as He has placed you there. Many things have worked in it's own ways, some may call it coincidences; some may call it destiny; and for Christians - we call it God's will. At this moment, God clearly led me to Starbucks, not sure how long He wants me to be here...not sure why exactly this super busy frantic location...not sure why with these co-workers...but I'm sure along the way, whether it's through stretching me for personal growth, or to share His love with others, He has placed me here this very moment.
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My pea brain has been scattered and scrambled lately. Frantically trying to get my act together has caused me to be so paralyzed. Emotionally, physically, and mentally paralyzed. Though I have to say for one thing that I'm grateful for...during these times of struggles, God has been pulling me closer and closer to Him. If not with full contentment, I dare to say that He's been filling me up. When days were rough, simply journaling and praying to Him has given me strength. Slowly, little by little, I'm learning to depend on God for fulfillment of my emptiness.
Need to work...so I'll keep this short. I'll type another post very soon (hopefully when I find the time). There's so much I've learned lately that I want to share!! :)
Slowly as I work through my thoughts, and dwell in His words...I find that living the life you're called to is just that simple! Sometimes we over-think questions like: why am I here for? What is God calling me to? What is my vocation?...
For me (at least in the time being), I've learned that maybe God's will for us is simply to live your life as He has placed you there. Many things have worked in it's own ways, some may call it coincidences; some may call it destiny; and for Christians - we call it God's will. At this moment, God clearly led me to Starbucks, not sure how long He wants me to be here...not sure why exactly this super busy frantic location...not sure why with these co-workers...but I'm sure along the way, whether it's through stretching me for personal growth, or to share His love with others, He has placed me here this very moment.
-----
My pea brain has been scattered and scrambled lately. Frantically trying to get my act together has caused me to be so paralyzed. Emotionally, physically, and mentally paralyzed. Though I have to say for one thing that I'm grateful for...during these times of struggles, God has been pulling me closer and closer to Him. If not with full contentment, I dare to say that He's been filling me up. When days were rough, simply journaling and praying to Him has given me strength. Slowly, little by little, I'm learning to depend on God for fulfillment of my emptiness.
Need to work...so I'll keep this short. I'll type another post very soon (hopefully when I find the time). There's so much I've learned lately that I want to share!! :)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Home
Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about the idea of home when they came to visit. To me, there's really no where I consider home. The definition itself is a little blurred. I would say that I'm born and raised in Hong Kong, grew up in Canada, but I recognize none as my home.
As my roommate and I talked about storing treasures in heaven. I start to ponder and think...
Then I remembered something I read a few days ago...
Maybe after all...it doesn't matter where we call home. Maybe the place we call home is as simple as where we find God so that we can be in His presence.
Any thoughts to enlighten me? :)
As my roommate and I talked about storing treasures in heaven. I start to ponder and think...
Where is home?The idea of home is too vague, or that I decide to scrap it all together. I've lived with wonderful people in the past, and yet it's really nothing more than a house/shelter to me. Sometimes I'd like to think it's just because I see heaven as my home, but as you know...for that I am doubtful too.
Then I remembered something I read a few days ago...
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4Then in verse 6 is the famous verse: " Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
Maybe after all...it doesn't matter where we call home. Maybe the place we call home is as simple as where we find God so that we can be in His presence.
Any thoughts to enlighten me? :)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Community
As I have to start moving on from university fellowship, I start to realize the importance if not the necessity of a community. While sitting at home this evening...looking at the clock ticking...contemplating whether to go to ccf or not - in the end I decided to stay and have some fellowship time with God.
It was great nonetheless reading Scripture and books, yet there was that something missing. May I call that as such some person to bounce off ideas with. It's always great to have someone challenging you on the other side, giving you the opportunity to think in different perspectives.
In search of a new community is tough...especially while keeping in touch with old ones. I have the tendency to cut off ties in order to move on. And this time, maybe as while being honest to myself, it's really really something that I need to pray for. For God to really refine me through this process. So that I'll preserver, be open, and to allow God to be in control :)
It was great nonetheless reading Scripture and books, yet there was that something missing. May I call that as such some person to bounce off ideas with. It's always great to have someone challenging you on the other side, giving you the opportunity to think in different perspectives.
In search of a new community is tough...especially while keeping in touch with old ones. I have the tendency to cut off ties in order to move on. And this time, maybe as while being honest to myself, it's really really something that I need to pray for. For God to really refine me through this process. So that I'll preserver, be open, and to allow God to be in control :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Cry In My Heart
"There is a Cry in my heart..." It hit home when I was listening to this song while walking to meet a friend this morning.
I'm curious, critical, and skeptical. I always wonder about different things...and would want to find out alternatives if a certain answer does not fulfill my curiosity or that it's not satisfying. Being frustrated by the job market, with conflicts/arguments, with myself and people...I've been wondering what it'll be like if I weren't a Christian. As lame as it sounds, I started imagining different things that might happen at least in the last 4 years of university if I wasn't following Christ.
Ironically...the more I looked into the past 4 years, I realized one thing - God's fingerprints are too evident in my life, there's no point in denying it at all. If I were to choose to deny the slightest bit of God's unconditional love, I might as well take out large chunks of my life. Sometimes the many coincidences that we think we know of...we just don't know it all. Connecting all the dots...seeing the bigger picture...Wow! How am I not to be humbled? He still used me at the times when I felt the most helpless...
God's love for us is so great! I've been overwhelmed these 2 days by how He picks me up when I feel in despair. If people say that I'm encouraging...Haha! I'm really nothing in comparison to God. He is the true one who encourages and loves unconditionally!
Cry in My Heart @ Starfield
I'm curious, critical, and skeptical. I always wonder about different things...and would want to find out alternatives if a certain answer does not fulfill my curiosity or that it's not satisfying. Being frustrated by the job market, with conflicts/arguments, with myself and people...I've been wondering what it'll be like if I weren't a Christian. As lame as it sounds, I started imagining different things that might happen at least in the last 4 years of university if I wasn't following Christ.
Ironically...the more I looked into the past 4 years, I realized one thing - God's fingerprints are too evident in my life, there's no point in denying it at all. If I were to choose to deny the slightest bit of God's unconditional love, I might as well take out large chunks of my life. Sometimes the many coincidences that we think we know of...we just don't know it all. Connecting all the dots...seeing the bigger picture...Wow! How am I not to be humbled? He still used me at the times when I felt the most helpless...
God's love for us is so great! I've been overwhelmed these 2 days by how He picks me up when I feel in despair. If people say that I'm encouraging...Haha! I'm really nothing in comparison to God. He is the true one who encourages and loves unconditionally!
Cry in My Heart @ Starfield
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Season of Abiding
By abiding, I mean to grow closer and more intimate with God.
I have not been typing on this blog for a long while, at times I feel like I have been neglecting my readers, if I have any at all. At the same time, it's been very tough for me personally. During this past month and a bit after coming back from Cambridge, all I've been experiencing is being hit by life's expected and inevitable lessons.
During these times of struggle, the more I'm reminded of God's grace. To be honest to you all, God's grace is something seemingly too far from me. The idea that Christ died on the cross for me is one of the things I wrestle with the most. Little that I know, the more I wrestle with this and dealing with the fundamental brokenness in my life, the more I fear God and His grace. Knowing that we are all unworthy, knowing that I need to find my identity in Christ, knowing that God is the one who fulfills...I undoubtedly pushed God away because of my pride.
So why is now a season of abiding? Simply put, I thirst for God. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own. I know it's going to hurt a lot when I'm honest and surrender certain things I hold onto, yet I know God is my healer. He will heal me as I do believe! My brokenness can only be restored when I let go. I want to be set free by Your grace and by You alone!
I'll continue to praise You while life seems so dull. You are here by my side, I know that!
I have not been typing on this blog for a long while, at times I feel like I have been neglecting my readers, if I have any at all. At the same time, it's been very tough for me personally. During this past month and a bit after coming back from Cambridge, all I've been experiencing is being hit by life's expected and inevitable lessons.
During these times of struggle, the more I'm reminded of God's grace. To be honest to you all, God's grace is something seemingly too far from me. The idea that Christ died on the cross for me is one of the things I wrestle with the most. Little that I know, the more I wrestle with this and dealing with the fundamental brokenness in my life, the more I fear God and His grace. Knowing that we are all unworthy, knowing that I need to find my identity in Christ, knowing that God is the one who fulfills...I undoubtedly pushed God away because of my pride.
So why is now a season of abiding? Simply put, I thirst for God. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own. I know it's going to hurt a lot when I'm honest and surrender certain things I hold onto, yet I know God is my healer. He will heal me as I do believe! My brokenness can only be restored when I let go. I want to be set free by Your grace and by You alone!
I'll continue to praise You while life seems so dull. You are here by my side, I know that!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Back From UK
As I sip on and drink some lady grey tea on this Saturday afternoon...I felt like I should update people a little bit and tell everyone that I'm alive :) [this is for those who know of my horrifying nightmare]
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Haven't blogged in quite a while. It feels a little weird with a computer in front of me as I haven't really used one in the last 3 weeks. Surprisingly, I can definitely survive without one :)
Thank you for all the prayer and financial support that allowed me to go all the way to Cambridge, UK (not Cambridge, ON) :P God has been faithful at times when I was super stressed and frustrated at myself. Though emotionally drained, I definitely have to say, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Him along the way in every step.
There's so much I'd love to share with you all, as for now, I'll go and do some readings first :) I'll try to categorize things to share while I need to re-organize everything at the place I'm staying for a short period of time :)
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Haven't blogged in quite a while. It feels a little weird with a computer in front of me as I haven't really used one in the last 3 weeks. Surprisingly, I can definitely survive without one :)
Thank you for all the prayer and financial support that allowed me to go all the way to Cambridge, UK (not Cambridge, ON) :P God has been faithful at times when I was super stressed and frustrated at myself. Though emotionally drained, I definitely have to say, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Him along the way in every step.
There's so much I'd love to share with you all, as for now, I'll go and do some readings first :) I'll try to categorize things to share while I need to re-organize everything at the place I'm staying for a short period of time :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
A Short "Bye" Became...
God works in ways that you never expect.
I've been in and out a lot from the place I've been staying lately. I'm rarely at home because I would be meeting family and friends. I'd really have to say, the past month and half has been busy than ever.
As I was about to head uptown for family dinner, I went to the next room to say goodbye to CC, because she will be heading back to Hong Kong. I felt like the least I should do is to wish her a safe trip home (our interactions were mostly during the times of lending my laptop to her...). Unexpectedly, the short goodbye became a sharing section that lasted for 2 hours.
CC studied MDiv in Hong Kong and is about to start her ministry at a local church when she goes back after this trip. It was nice hearing her experiences and the faith she has in Christ. The perspective that she took was refreshing to hear. I've learned a lot from her, and I say that from the bottom of my heart.
She told me to find an older person as a mentor. Time to really pray harder about it :)
I've been in and out a lot from the place I've been staying lately. I'm rarely at home because I would be meeting family and friends. I'd really have to say, the past month and half has been busy than ever.
As I was about to head uptown for family dinner, I went to the next room to say goodbye to CC, because she will be heading back to Hong Kong. I felt like the least I should do is to wish her a safe trip home (our interactions were mostly during the times of lending my laptop to her...). Unexpectedly, the short goodbye became a sharing section that lasted for 2 hours.
CC studied MDiv in Hong Kong and is about to start her ministry at a local church when she goes back after this trip. It was nice hearing her experiences and the faith she has in Christ. The perspective that she took was refreshing to hear. I've learned a lot from her, and I say that from the bottom of my heart.
She told me to find an older person as a mentor. Time to really pray harder about it :)
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Still On Time...
I was super late to ISM today, not because I wanted to be...but I was so bogged down by my own stuff and decided to have a long conversation with CL. (Thank you dear for listening to me :))
Lately I've been so bogged down by my own stuff, and trying to deal with it on my own. I've started to neglect things and become ignorant. It was a good reminder going to ISM, even though I was late.
The parable we studied today had not much relations to the idea of sacrifice, but in the end, the small discussion we had definitely sparked something in my heart and put things in a different perspective. While discussing with TL on what is God's love and how it is different from other beliefs, the idea of sacrifice was so prominent in my mind. And there it was...the thing that I've been struggling for the past few weeks no longer mattered. Or that I choose to see it in a different light. When the focus was back to God, the rest became so trivial.
I was there for a reason. And God brought me there despite of a birthday dinner was to let me hear that :)
Lately I've been so bogged down by my own stuff, and trying to deal with it on my own. I've started to neglect things and become ignorant. It was a good reminder going to ISM, even though I was late.
The parable we studied today had not much relations to the idea of sacrifice, but in the end, the small discussion we had definitely sparked something in my heart and put things in a different perspective. While discussing with TL on what is God's love and how it is different from other beliefs, the idea of sacrifice was so prominent in my mind. And there it was...the thing that I've been struggling for the past few weeks no longer mattered. Or that I choose to see it in a different light. When the focus was back to God, the rest became so trivial.
I was there for a reason. And God brought me there despite of a birthday dinner was to let me hear that :)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
June 3rd
Thank you everyone :)
I really enjoyed all your presence and I do acknowledge the love you all have for me :) The birthday surprise after a late night biking adventure, the lunch, moonbean time, ISM time/meeting, pub time...
It was the very first birthday that I can be myself, do all the normal stuff as I would do on a normal basis. Nothing too out of the ordinary, simple yet profound.
(Gonna keep this simple...)
I really enjoyed all your presence and I do acknowledge the love you all have for me :) The birthday surprise after a late night biking adventure, the lunch, moonbean time, ISM time/meeting, pub time...
It was the very first birthday that I can be myself, do all the normal stuff as I would do on a normal basis. Nothing too out of the ordinary, simple yet profound.
(Gonna keep this simple...)
Saturday, June 2, 2012
My Mom
Before writing this post, I took a long time figuring out what title to give it. I wanted to come up with some great big quotes, but then I realized one thing - the core is just that simple.
Today is my mom's birthday. And 21 years ago today she was in the labor room waiting to give birth to me - this naughty little thing :P I grew up wondering why my mom was so strict with me, picking me up from training everyday, giving me limited amounts of allowance (unlike other people in my high school). I was quite rebellious as a teen, I hid almost everything possible from my parents - except marks because that was one thing that I could prove my worth with.
These past 6 years being on my own, I've grown to really appreciate my mom. (Other than God), I know that my mom has/is/and will be there for me. Her wisdom and advice always amuses me. Ever since high school, people always say that my mom is really cool and fun. I would be skeptical and deny that fact. In my eyes, I've always seen an authoritative mom, a mom that I cannot talk to. I would say things and do things that hurts her. I am now definitely really guilty about it.
I've always taken her for granted, for the love and care that she unconditionally gave me. Two years ago when we were studying unconditional love of God at winter retreat (and I was also leading a small group), I have to confess that I could not relate to it at all. My perspective of family and life really changed the moment when she calmly told me this year "I almost died on the trip. The bus skid and it almost fell off the mountain." I really could not understand why she can so calmly tell me about this, while I was shivering on the other side of the phone. She used this to encourage me to go after dreams if I had any, and to live everyday fully within my capacity.
People ask me how my relationship with my parents are, I without doubt can tell people that my mom is the person on earth that I can trustfully go to with any problems. I tell her about school, future, people (friendship/relationship) problems. We wrestle about the ideas of marriage, love, career. Sometimes we even joke around about the most stupid things :)
There's many more things that I have to be grateful for what my mom has done for me. Giving up her phD so that she can pick me up everyday after swimming, being there for me during my rebellious years when I needed her the most...allowing me to explode on her instead of exploding internally...listening to my rants and calming me while I'm bawling...and definitely many more things.
Thank you for all your wisdom and advice. Being supportive when it seems like I'm against the whole world. Gently rebuking me when I've made mistakes that I need to deal with it. Your calming voice...cheerful and witty jokes. People may not see that in you, but you've definitely shown me what it means to live life fully. (I really hope that you can go back to church though :))
She's coming soon and I just can't wait to give her a great big hug <3
Happy Birthday Mommy :D
Today is my mom's birthday. And 21 years ago today she was in the labor room waiting to give birth to me - this naughty little thing :P I grew up wondering why my mom was so strict with me, picking me up from training everyday, giving me limited amounts of allowance (unlike other people in my high school). I was quite rebellious as a teen, I hid almost everything possible from my parents - except marks because that was one thing that I could prove my worth with.
These past 6 years being on my own, I've grown to really appreciate my mom. (Other than God), I know that my mom has/is/and will be there for me. Her wisdom and advice always amuses me. Ever since high school, people always say that my mom is really cool and fun. I would be skeptical and deny that fact. In my eyes, I've always seen an authoritative mom, a mom that I cannot talk to. I would say things and do things that hurts her. I am now definitely really guilty about it.
I've always taken her for granted, for the love and care that she unconditionally gave me. Two years ago when we were studying unconditional love of God at winter retreat (and I was also leading a small group), I have to confess that I could not relate to it at all. My perspective of family and life really changed the moment when she calmly told me this year "I almost died on the trip. The bus skid and it almost fell off the mountain." I really could not understand why she can so calmly tell me about this, while I was shivering on the other side of the phone. She used this to encourage me to go after dreams if I had any, and to live everyday fully within my capacity.
People ask me how my relationship with my parents are, I without doubt can tell people that my mom is the person on earth that I can trustfully go to with any problems. I tell her about school, future, people (friendship/relationship) problems. We wrestle about the ideas of marriage, love, career. Sometimes we even joke around about the most stupid things :)
There's many more things that I have to be grateful for what my mom has done for me. Giving up her phD so that she can pick me up everyday after swimming, being there for me during my rebellious years when I needed her the most...allowing me to explode on her instead of exploding internally...listening to my rants and calming me while I'm bawling...and definitely many more things.
Thank you for all your wisdom and advice. Being supportive when it seems like I'm against the whole world. Gently rebuking me when I've made mistakes that I need to deal with it. Your calming voice...cheerful and witty jokes. People may not see that in you, but you've definitely shown me what it means to live life fully. (I really hope that you can go back to church though :))
She's coming soon and I just can't wait to give her a great big hug <3
Happy Birthday Mommy :D
I'm going to continue to pray for you and dad...
Friday, June 1, 2012
QT
Woke up to the sound of raindrops. The beauty of God's creation right at my ears.
This past week was hectic for me, and I missed out on some quality QT, not to mention having the time to blog about God's blessings.
Took today's time to really meditate on God's blessings in the mist of these tiring days. Being able to witness God's work on campus and all that has been really amazing. I know I'm not an explicit expressive person, I'm very excited in what God has in stored for the campus next year.
Sending people off at airport, reminded me how big of a gift they are to me from God. I've only met CL for less than a month when I sent her off that day, yet she's been such a great friend and sister to me :) Will not forget the experience of trying my first laksa! Then got to send off AF and EH. Ah! I wished we had more time, so I can actually legitimately pray for you two before heading in...but then again, you two are in my prayers :D
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"And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life" _ Once again - Matt Redman
This past week was hectic for me, and I missed out on some quality QT, not to mention having the time to blog about God's blessings.
Took today's time to really meditate on God's blessings in the mist of these tiring days. Being able to witness God's work on campus and all that has been really amazing. I know I'm not an explicit expressive person, I'm very excited in what God has in stored for the campus next year.
Sending people off at airport, reminded me how big of a gift they are to me from God. I've only met CL for less than a month when I sent her off that day, yet she's been such a great friend and sister to me :) Will not forget the experience of trying my first laksa! Then got to send off AF and EH. Ah! I wished we had more time, so I can actually legitimately pray for you two before heading in...but then again, you two are in my prayers :D
------
"And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life" _ Once again - Matt Redman
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Best Left Untried? Really?
I was reading a book by Kelly Monroe Kullberg on Finding God Beyond Harvard. It's like a story, her very own quest in founding Veritas Forum at Harvard Divinity School.
She started off with the environment of the school, then adding on her own little pieces of the story. What really hit me yesterday while reading in the dental office was this part:
Maybe people are not wanting to get to know God because of fear more than simply the notion of indifference. And that's not what the Gospel is. The Gospel is a gift from God, it's not like you can deny a gift and throw it back - it's on the table, the decision being made is to accept or not.
Although I'm not typing a lot lately, I've been learning a lot. Most of the time, I need the thoughts to really sink in, and to really ponder on them.
Any thoughts on the quote?
She started off with the environment of the school, then adding on her own little pieces of the story. What really hit me yesterday while reading in the dental office was this part:
"I (Kelly) came to understand the insight of the brilliant journalist G.K. Chesterton: "It's not that Christianity is tried and found wanting,but that it is considered difficult and left untried." I believe that the culture of Harvard Divinity School and the university beyond it found Jesus difficult, and best left untried."Do you resonate? This story was back in the 1980s. 30 years now, seems like a similar story to me. Then MN and I were spontaneously meeting up to share and catch up...funny thing is, when she was sharing something, the word fear popped into my mind.
Maybe people are not wanting to get to know God because of fear more than simply the notion of indifference. And that's not what the Gospel is. The Gospel is a gift from God, it's not like you can deny a gift and throw it back - it's on the table, the decision being made is to accept or not.
Although I'm not typing a lot lately, I've been learning a lot. Most of the time, I need the thoughts to really sink in, and to really ponder on them.
Any thoughts on the quote?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Rest and Work
The plan for these few weeks was to REST! Ended up having a more busy schedule than during school time.
I need to be more diligent. There are so many things that I actually need to work on before next week, and yet I would say yes to meet ups and stuff. So it's either I end up coming home late or that people would stay at my place until late. It's not until I was so focused on packing this afternoon, that I knew how much I can get done when I want to get things done.
Been reflecting on a lot of things lately, and in many ways I'm inspired by books and people. By the way, please pray for me, I have my short term mission funding interview from my home church.
I need to be more diligent. There are so many things that I actually need to work on before next week, and yet I would say yes to meet ups and stuff. So it's either I end up coming home late or that people would stay at my place until late. It's not until I was so focused on packing this afternoon, that I knew how much I can get done when I want to get things done.
Been reflecting on a lot of things lately, and in many ways I'm inspired by books and people. By the way, please pray for me, I have my short term mission funding interview from my home church.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
A Lovely Saturday Afternoon
It's been a great while trying to organize and figure things out after coming back from Mark Central. Occasionally hanging out with people, going around to new places, enjoying the weather in Toronto...
This is the very first day in this week where I have just chilled at home. Now that we have a whole living room, it's actually really comfy. Sitting here with the blinds up and the futon out here, it's enjoyable just to read a book, have a sip of my favorite tea :)
It's such a blessing to be able to sit here and enjoy the Saturday afternoon. I don't recall when was the last time I did this :P Finding rest in Him.
This is the very first day in this week where I have just chilled at home. Now that we have a whole living room, it's actually really comfy. Sitting here with the blinds up and the futon out here, it's enjoyable just to read a book, have a sip of my favorite tea :)
It's such a blessing to be able to sit here and enjoy the Saturday afternoon. I don't recall when was the last time I did this :P Finding rest in Him.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mark Central - Day 7
Very first time...
Today we didn't have a Bible study, instead it was a sharing section. I have definitely encountered a lot this week, and see many things and experienced many things that God has been teaching me. However, it was not until Pete told us to read through the Scriptures again this morning, have I really really really pondered on what exactly have I experienced throughout the chapters.
So I kinda wrote down a little of what I was about to share...
What strikes me the most was that...after a few sharings, what I wrote down just went down the drain. God nudged me to share, to share what's really on my heart, even if it means that I'll shed some tears. In the end, I did share...and people in the room who previously knew me probably was really shocked too? (Perhaps?) I shared things that not many people have known...maybe for the person that I shared my full testimony with, and a few others who I've shared this piece of me by random?
All of us were vulnerable to one another. There was definitely an incredible amount of trust within the group. There were things that people have indicated that they haven't shared with people much...and stories.
Very first time...It was my very first time to really encounter this kind of fellowship. We did not tell people of our struggles to gain pity or anything, but it was simply an act of praising God through sharing our stories. Simply it was all of us testifying God's work in our life in that week, as testimonies to encourage one another. To be honest, I have never been so open about my own story throughout these 4 years. Even being in a fellowship, I have never felt so comfortable in being myself (like...the me who can be crazy), and to share so much in such a short period of time.
It was only 7 days. Once again God surprises me so much! His transformational power again exceeds what I'll ever expect. Not only within myself, but for others as well. The act of digging deep into the Scriptures together, the act of fellowshipping with one another, the act of seeking Him more...drew all of us closer in His name.
In the beginning, not all of us we in the class could call each other brothers and sisters. Yet in the end of the week, all of us were brothers and sisters in Christ. In the beginning, only a few of us knew each other, and in the end of the week, we all knew each other on a deeper level. In the beginning, we thought we knew the parables...in the end of the week, I guess we all realized that we've only scratched the surface before.
It was an amazing experience meeting IVCF peeps :D The next few days will be hard...but I will continue to be grateful in the blessings He has given me :) "The Chinese Fire Drill" will not end at Mark Central! :) Hope to see them at Urbana2012 if I have the $$$ to go!
Yesu Azali Awa - Jesus is Here (A song that we ended worship with :D)
Today we didn't have a Bible study, instead it was a sharing section. I have definitely encountered a lot this week, and see many things and experienced many things that God has been teaching me. However, it was not until Pete told us to read through the Scriptures again this morning, have I really really really pondered on what exactly have I experienced throughout the chapters.
So I kinda wrote down a little of what I was about to share...
What strikes me the most was that...after a few sharings, what I wrote down just went down the drain. God nudged me to share, to share what's really on my heart, even if it means that I'll shed some tears. In the end, I did share...and people in the room who previously knew me probably was really shocked too? (Perhaps?) I shared things that not many people have known...maybe for the person that I shared my full testimony with, and a few others who I've shared this piece of me by random?
All of us were vulnerable to one another. There was definitely an incredible amount of trust within the group. There were things that people have indicated that they haven't shared with people much...and stories.
Very first time...It was my very first time to really encounter this kind of fellowship. We did not tell people of our struggles to gain pity or anything, but it was simply an act of praising God through sharing our stories. Simply it was all of us testifying God's work in our life in that week, as testimonies to encourage one another. To be honest, I have never been so open about my own story throughout these 4 years. Even being in a fellowship, I have never felt so comfortable in being myself (like...the me who can be crazy), and to share so much in such a short period of time.
It was only 7 days. Once again God surprises me so much! His transformational power again exceeds what I'll ever expect. Not only within myself, but for others as well. The act of digging deep into the Scriptures together, the act of fellowshipping with one another, the act of seeking Him more...drew all of us closer in His name.
In the beginning, not all of us we in the class could call each other brothers and sisters. Yet in the end of the week, all of us were brothers and sisters in Christ. In the beginning, only a few of us knew each other, and in the end of the week, we all knew each other on a deeper level. In the beginning, we thought we knew the parables...in the end of the week, I guess we all realized that we've only scratched the surface before.
It was an amazing experience meeting IVCF peeps :D The next few days will be hard...but I will continue to be grateful in the blessings He has given me :) "The Chinese Fire Drill" will not end at Mark Central! :) Hope to see them at Urbana2012 if I have the $$$ to go!
Yesu Azali Awa - Jesus is Here (A song that we ended worship with :D)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Mark Central - Day 6
Finished the last Bible Study. There we go, 42 hours.
I really love the community that we've built over this week :) Seeing a friend coming to Christ, that's been very very powerful and amazing to our class. The breakfast, lunch and dinners. The games, the sharing, the praying...
What really hit home for me was really seeing God's healing power on a lot of us. For the people who I've been sharing to, we've all experienced God's healing in many different ways :) These sisters that I've only met for less than a week were so open in sharing their stories with me, and this is what fellowship is like. We shared with one another to testify God's work in our lives. Not to pity one another, but to pray for and with one another, really lifting up everything into His hands. It's precious, really precious, because for us, when we shared about it, it's really God's gift to us to be able to even call each other sisters in Christ.
Today we spent our whole free time sharing and praying on the green pastures :P (for the people who gets this :P) Talking about random things under the sun later on with other people in our class, it was such a great time :D
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By going through the study, the more I see Jesus' compassion on all of us. Even if it means that it will take great lengths, He will not give up on us. Feeding the 5000 and 4000, telling us that He is abundant, not only for the people sitting on the grass and in the desert, but also for the 12 tribes and 7 nations. His love - it's amazing.
I really want to thank those who walked this short journey of digging into the Scriptures with me :) And ultimately to really thank God for all that He has blessed us this week!
I really love the community that we've built over this week :) Seeing a friend coming to Christ, that's been very very powerful and amazing to our class. The breakfast, lunch and dinners. The games, the sharing, the praying...
What really hit home for me was really seeing God's healing power on a lot of us. For the people who I've been sharing to, we've all experienced God's healing in many different ways :) These sisters that I've only met for less than a week were so open in sharing their stories with me, and this is what fellowship is like. We shared with one another to testify God's work in our lives. Not to pity one another, but to pray for and with one another, really lifting up everything into His hands. It's precious, really precious, because for us, when we shared about it, it's really God's gift to us to be able to even call each other sisters in Christ.
Today we spent our whole free time sharing and praying on the green pastures :P (for the people who gets this :P) Talking about random things under the sun later on with other people in our class, it was such a great time :D
-------
By going through the study, the more I see Jesus' compassion on all of us. Even if it means that it will take great lengths, He will not give up on us. Feeding the 5000 and 4000, telling us that He is abundant, not only for the people sitting on the grass and in the desert, but also for the 12 tribes and 7 nations. His love - it's amazing.
I really want to thank those who walked this short journey of digging into the Scriptures with me :) And ultimately to really thank God for all that He has blessed us this week!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Mark Central - Day 5
Praise God for everything that happened today.
In class today, Tony pointed out a really great observation in feeding the five thousand. The miracle that we see does not occur in the moment when Jesus blesses and breaks the bread. It happens gradually in the process of disciples hand out the bread to the crowd that were in groups of 50 and 100.
And we witness God's power of transformation that is working gradually in a friends life :) YP came to Christ tonight after worship! Really amazed by being able to witness in this, the whole community of us (from ISM and CCF), gathered together to pray for their chat, it was great!
It's getting really late...for me to really type this...it's actually almost 2am...>.< and I have 9 hours ahead. On a side note - Urbana is coming up! I really want to go :( I'm really wrestling with the thought...do I have the money? Will I be here? - once again...back to faith...
In class today, Tony pointed out a really great observation in feeding the five thousand. The miracle that we see does not occur in the moment when Jesus blesses and breaks the bread. It happens gradually in the process of disciples hand out the bread to the crowd that were in groups of 50 and 100.
And we witness God's power of transformation that is working gradually in a friends life :) YP came to Christ tonight after worship! Really amazed by being able to witness in this, the whole community of us (from ISM and CCF), gathered together to pray for their chat, it was great!
It's getting really late...for me to really type this...it's actually almost 2am...>.< and I have 9 hours ahead. On a side note - Urbana is coming up! I really want to go :( I'm really wrestling with the thought...do I have the money? Will I be here? - once again...back to faith...
Freedom, Life, Rescue
What do you think of when you see those 3 words?
This was the theme today for the prayer room. And it really fit into the sharing I had with a friend during lunch. I don't know how the conversation came about, I think I started asking her why she's studying at Wycliff. Then there came a lot of sharing between the two of us...
What struck me the most was the comment she made, "we are freed then from the people in this world." The healing that she experienced these past two days was a great testimony. I'm so glad that I got to talk to her more in depth. Her sharing parts of her testimony to me was so amazing, there was an instant feeling of connection between our friendship. While she was talking, this was ringing in my head: "My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I thank God really just for that opportunity for us to talk and share, it was really refreshing.
The application question from last section: what are you desperately finding to be freed from? Are you like that women going to Christ with determination to find healing?
This was the theme today for the prayer room. And it really fit into the sharing I had with a friend during lunch. I don't know how the conversation came about, I think I started asking her why she's studying at Wycliff. Then there came a lot of sharing between the two of us...
What struck me the most was the comment she made, "we are freed then from the people in this world." The healing that she experienced these past two days was a great testimony. I'm so glad that I got to talk to her more in depth. Her sharing parts of her testimony to me was so amazing, there was an instant feeling of connection between our friendship. While she was talking, this was ringing in my head: "My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I thank God really just for that opportunity for us to talk and share, it was really refreshing.
The application question from last section: what are you desperately finding to be freed from? Are you like that women going to Christ with determination to find healing?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Mark Central - Day 4
Can't really register right now. It feels like I need some time to let things sink in. And my head is hurting.
Today's Bible study was brought to another level. I have never experienced a manuscript study the way it was held. The personal reflection and application part was so much more profound in many ways. Just being able to see things in a different perspective. To ponder on what it really means to desperately go through extensive lengths to find healing in Christ. Also, on what exactly are you trying to find healing in...just simple physical healing? Or healing as a whole. Do you want to be "made well?"
During reflection, many song popped up into my mind, and maybe I'll post the one that really hit me - come home running:
Talking on the phone after, sharing, I guess you know...finding healing first really does come back to be in His presence :) Thanks for the chat! - you know who you are.
Today's Bible study was brought to another level. I have never experienced a manuscript study the way it was held. The personal reflection and application part was so much more profound in many ways. Just being able to see things in a different perspective. To ponder on what it really means to desperately go through extensive lengths to find healing in Christ. Also, on what exactly are you trying to find healing in...just simple physical healing? Or healing as a whole. Do you want to be "made well?"
During reflection, many song popped up into my mind, and maybe I'll post the one that really hit me - come home running:
"So come home running---------
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are"
Talking on the phone after, sharing, I guess you know...finding healing first really does come back to be in His presence :) Thanks for the chat! - you know who you are.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Mark Central - Day 3
I wish I can describe my feelings with the appropriate words...
This morning going into our 15th hour, I was so tired and brain dead. 9 hours straight yesterday was a little taxing on my little brain - information overload.
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loading...
Started the morning at the prayer room :) Going to the first study was a little tiring though, maybe last night I didn't sleep too well, and people on my floor were very loud, they were jamming at 12am.
It's interesting how God speaks to you in different ways through scripture, and in retrospect seeing how things are pieced together. While I was at the prayer room after lunch, today the topic was hope, healing and restoration. A clay pot was smashed and we could take pieces of the clay pot and paint them - in whatever you like, anything that has to do with the theme. Not knowing what to paint, I saw three pieces put together on the ground, so I went to find a space to paint. Only had blue and white in front of me, so I decided, "hmmmm...maybe I'll paint a cloud on these three pieces and make it a mosaic itself on it's own, as looking up into the sky always gives me hope." Why painting and meditating on the passages studied, what caught my attention was this one verse - "Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove." Mark 1:10. It was just the thing I was painting. A cloud/the sky being torn open.
I really want to try sharing the experience of the Bible studies, but I really can't...it's a little impossible. Digging into it, being more confused, discussing, wrestling with people on the passage and questions, discussion and throwing ideas across the room, drawing connections...and then "Aha!" That moment of "ding" happened so many times for us as a group today.
It's really awesome to study the word with a group of dedicated people, everyone was just so on their feet, even though we were so tired and was lack of expressions, the excitement you see when the word speaks to us! That moment of seeing a glimpse of what the Scripture means, I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it's kind of a thing where you need to experience it on your own.
After the last section, a seeker YP was asking me more questions on the passage we studied, we wrestled with it a little more. And if you see this, please do pray for her? :) As a team we all think that she might become a believer this week. Please pray that the Word will come alive for her. She told me that it's such a great experience for her to see how something originally confusing becomes clearer to her after the studies :)
From my notes:
This morning going into our 15th hour, I was so tired and brain dead. 9 hours straight yesterday was a little taxing on my little brain - information overload.
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loading...
Started the morning at the prayer room :) Going to the first study was a little tiring though, maybe last night I didn't sleep too well, and people on my floor were very loud, they were jamming at 12am.
It's interesting how God speaks to you in different ways through scripture, and in retrospect seeing how things are pieced together. While I was at the prayer room after lunch, today the topic was hope, healing and restoration. A clay pot was smashed and we could take pieces of the clay pot and paint them - in whatever you like, anything that has to do with the theme. Not knowing what to paint, I saw three pieces put together on the ground, so I went to find a space to paint. Only had blue and white in front of me, so I decided, "hmmmm...maybe I'll paint a cloud on these three pieces and make it a mosaic itself on it's own, as looking up into the sky always gives me hope." Why painting and meditating on the passages studied, what caught my attention was this one verse - "Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove." Mark 1:10. It was just the thing I was painting. A cloud/the sky being torn open.
I really want to try sharing the experience of the Bible studies, but I really can't...it's a little impossible. Digging into it, being more confused, discussing, wrestling with people on the passage and questions, discussion and throwing ideas across the room, drawing connections...and then "Aha!" That moment of "ding" happened so many times for us as a group today.
It's really awesome to study the word with a group of dedicated people, everyone was just so on their feet, even though we were so tired and was lack of expressions, the excitement you see when the word speaks to us! That moment of seeing a glimpse of what the Scripture means, I don't really know how to describe it. I guess it's kind of a thing where you need to experience it on your own.
After the last section, a seeker YP was asking me more questions on the passage we studied, we wrestled with it a little more. And if you see this, please do pray for her? :) As a team we all think that she might become a believer this week. Please pray that the Word will come alive for her. She told me that it's such a great experience for her to see how something originally confusing becomes clearer to her after the studies :)
From my notes:
"Our faith is like an Easter egg hunt, and our Lord is waiting for us. He does not hide the eggs so that we cannot find it, but He hides it so that they can be found. And during the process of finding the eggs, we can thus experience tremendous joy and excitement."
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Mark Central - Day 2
Slightly brain dead, but it was amazing :D
"Read it once, and you don't have questions? Read it again...read it until you have questions!" - Pete (InterVarsity Staff)
3+9 hours and we are only half way through Mark chapter 2. It's just so amazing how you much you can dig out of the scriptures. And I'm not kidding, seeing the progression, the reoccurring themes, Mark's so no detailed (some parts) of writing...I want to study the whole thing again quietly by myself, but I guess my body doesn't quite allowing that to happen.
There was prayer time after lunch, and it was really good solo time ;) We were playing with clay (children's clay), and we were encouraged to make things in accordance in what we've learned these past two days.
Since this morning, I'm still thinking about the phrase - follow me. The great things about these few Bible studies is that it flows so well! After in depth studying the themes, you seem to "get it" a little more, and when it comes to application, things flow through. It feels so great participating in the discussion, throwing ideas back and forth, challenging one another with questions. In a sense, it sheds some light in what a great manuscript study is, the facilitator/group leader invites you in this journey and just guides you through. Very organic, great dynamics, and simply ignites an excitement for the word from within.
Seeing the word coming alive through the whole process is so cool. As you go through the passage again and again, with questions and observation, the Word speaks to you. When repeatedly reading the passage, you see the words used, the connections, how things slowly fall into place (but obviously, not all questions can be answered).
"Read it once, and you don't have questions? Read it again...read it until you have questions!" - Pete (InterVarsity Staff)
3+9 hours and we are only half way through Mark chapter 2. It's just so amazing how you much you can dig out of the scriptures. And I'm not kidding, seeing the progression, the reoccurring themes, Mark's so no detailed (some parts) of writing...I want to study the whole thing again quietly by myself, but I guess my body doesn't quite allowing that to happen.
There was prayer time after lunch, and it was really good solo time ;) We were playing with clay (children's clay), and we were encouraged to make things in accordance in what we've learned these past two days.
Since this morning, I'm still thinking about the phrase - follow me. The great things about these few Bible studies is that it flows so well! After in depth studying the themes, you seem to "get it" a little more, and when it comes to application, things flow through. It feels so great participating in the discussion, throwing ideas back and forth, challenging one another with questions. In a sense, it sheds some light in what a great manuscript study is, the facilitator/group leader invites you in this journey and just guides you through. Very organic, great dynamics, and simply ignites an excitement for the word from within.
Seeing the word coming alive through the whole process is so cool. As you go through the passage again and again, with questions and observation, the Word speaks to you. When repeatedly reading the passage, you see the words used, the connections, how things slowly fall into place (but obviously, not all questions can be answered).
"In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there." Mark 1:35
As God's Faithful Servant
(Still have so many outstanding posts to type, but I'll post this one first :))
JH, you are leaving on this wonderful adventure with God :) It's really exciting!!
Like you always say, God is awesome. And He is indeed! You are such a blessing to me, and who am I going to pray with when you are gone? :P To count my blessings, you are definitely one person that will be on my list. I still remember that day where I was sitting at SS with a friend, and you passed by. Interestingly the friend knew you but I didn't, and the next moment you see me enthusiastically inviting you to sit with us - still have yet met you in person, and that was the very first time. I still remember the first time we meet, you prayed for me, and exactly what you prayed for.
Many other days where we just pray together, share with one another. Haha! You are one person that I've quite openly shared with noting that I just met you maybe a few months ago? You've showed me and inspired me so much :D The times where I felt like there's no one else to share with, you understood exactly what I was feeling. When I was ranting, you would just sit there and listen, cry with me and comfort me. The compassion you have reminds me where shortest verse in the Bible depicts Christ's compassion - Jesus wept (John 11:35, NASB).
You will be heading off today, and I really wished that we had more time that day to share all the blessings and things we have learned :) And to pray with one another. You'll learn lots and please come back with things to share! Can't wait to see you :D (whether it'll be on skype or in person)
JH, you are leaving on this wonderful adventure with God :) It's really exciting!!
Like you always say, God is awesome. And He is indeed! You are such a blessing to me, and who am I going to pray with when you are gone? :P To count my blessings, you are definitely one person that will be on my list. I still remember that day where I was sitting at SS with a friend, and you passed by. Interestingly the friend knew you but I didn't, and the next moment you see me enthusiastically inviting you to sit with us - still have yet met you in person, and that was the very first time. I still remember the first time we meet, you prayed for me, and exactly what you prayed for.
Many other days where we just pray together, share with one another. Haha! You are one person that I've quite openly shared with noting that I just met you maybe a few months ago? You've showed me and inspired me so much :D The times where I felt like there's no one else to share with, you understood exactly what I was feeling. When I was ranting, you would just sit there and listen, cry with me and comfort me. The compassion you have reminds me where shortest verse in the Bible depicts Christ's compassion - Jesus wept (John 11:35, NASB).
You will be heading off today, and I really wished that we had more time that day to share all the blessings and things we have learned :) And to pray with one another. You'll learn lots and please come back with things to share! Can't wait to see you :D (whether it'll be on skype or in person)
"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma" Ephesians 5:1-2See you soon! :D <3
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Mark Central - Day 1
Praise God that I'm able to come to Mark Central :) Really enjoying my time here.
Manuscript Bible study seems so familiar, yet at the same time, it's so not. Maybe I have not been in a Bible study where I can just be a participant, I'm definitely enjoying it. Just seeing how all of us just dive into the Word. Markings, arrows, and shapes on our manuscripts...it's quite cool. Seeing how the Scripture comes alive makes me in awe. And the people - I got to meet quite a few people from other campuses, and even fellow UofT students that attend IVCF.
This is actually really cool, because I know that this is not another 1 week thing where I go and will forget. The more I read the first page of our manuscript package, the more I want to dig deeper into the Word. So many questions!!!! >.< I've been slacking off with reading the Word lately...reading is merely not enough. I'm thankful to be reminded of how much I actually enjoy doing Bible studies :) (I sound like a nerd)...
I was so tired today...and hungry too! But then again, my excitement of the word when you just see how things are revealed through the discussion in small groups and large group discussion took away my weariness :P I really can't wait for tomorrow! 9 hours ahead...time to be disciplined and get some sleep - which rare to see me in bed before 12.
Manuscript Bible study seems so familiar, yet at the same time, it's so not. Maybe I have not been in a Bible study where I can just be a participant, I'm definitely enjoying it. Just seeing how all of us just dive into the Word. Markings, arrows, and shapes on our manuscripts...it's quite cool. Seeing how the Scripture comes alive makes me in awe. And the people - I got to meet quite a few people from other campuses, and even fellow UofT students that attend IVCF.
This is actually really cool, because I know that this is not another 1 week thing where I go and will forget. The more I read the first page of our manuscript package, the more I want to dig deeper into the Word. So many questions!!!! >.< I've been slacking off with reading the Word lately...reading is merely not enough. I'm thankful to be reminded of how much I actually enjoy doing Bible studies :) (I sound like a nerd)...
I was so tired today...and hungry too! But then again, my excitement of the word when you just see how things are revealed through the discussion in small groups and large group discussion took away my weariness :P I really can't wait for tomorrow! 9 hours ahead...time to be disciplined and get some sleep - which rare to see me in bed before 12.
“The time has come,” he said. “The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!” Mark 1:15
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Untiltled - April 26th
This was from a devotional I read lately, and would love to share it:
Reconciliation is not easy. But I'm learning so much by going through every little tiny bit and letting God take care of the hurt and pain :)
A while ago, I asked God to used the 2 weeks I was free from exams (yes...I had 15 days between my first and last exam) to let me reconcile with my past, things that have been coming back now and then, hindering me to seeking Him. It's been painful but a rewarding process. Little by little, I'm becoming honest with myself in how I feel emotionally, and ask God to take care of them one by one.
Today after exams, AF and I went to watch a movie. I thought it was a light movie, it turned out not...in the very end, tears were streaming down my face. The movie reminded me why I'm so scared of saying goodbyes to people, or maybe even goodbyes that were never said. Some people wonder why I'm so spontaneous at times, and would rather choose to live in the moment than to plan my way too far ahead. The reason is...when there is unexpected death of someone that you were close with, sometimes you can just suck it up. I saw my flute teacher on a Friday, and on Monday...the news I heard was that he was dead. Shocking to me, I was like ant frantically finding a way out when people pour water on their dens. Exam was in a month...didn't even started practicing with my accompanist...it was disastrous.
This not only left a mark in my life, but it shaped how I viewed "goodbyes." I know it's almost that time of the year again where many goodbyes will be said...and who knows when will the next time be before I see those individuals? The good thing is that I've learned to treasure every moment I spend with people :) at least the conversation we had will not become a regret.
One thing that really comforts me is that...God is in control.
"Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for you to let go of your pain and trust Him. And you really can. No one loves you like He does. You may not always understand or even like His process, but you can always trust His heart of love for you."There's so much I've been learning, whether it's about myself or about God...this pruning process is painful, but I'd trust in God's plan.
Reconciliation is not easy. But I'm learning so much by going through every little tiny bit and letting God take care of the hurt and pain :)
A while ago, I asked God to used the 2 weeks I was free from exams (yes...I had 15 days between my first and last exam) to let me reconcile with my past, things that have been coming back now and then, hindering me to seeking Him. It's been painful but a rewarding process. Little by little, I'm becoming honest with myself in how I feel emotionally, and ask God to take care of them one by one.
Today after exams, AF and I went to watch a movie. I thought it was a light movie, it turned out not...in the very end, tears were streaming down my face. The movie reminded me why I'm so scared of saying goodbyes to people, or maybe even goodbyes that were never said. Some people wonder why I'm so spontaneous at times, and would rather choose to live in the moment than to plan my way too far ahead. The reason is...when there is unexpected death of someone that you were close with, sometimes you can just suck it up. I saw my flute teacher on a Friday, and on Monday...the news I heard was that he was dead. Shocking to me, I was like ant frantically finding a way out when people pour water on their dens. Exam was in a month...didn't even started practicing with my accompanist...it was disastrous.
This not only left a mark in my life, but it shaped how I viewed "goodbyes." I know it's almost that time of the year again where many goodbyes will be said...and who knows when will the next time be before I see those individuals? The good thing is that I've learned to treasure every moment I spend with people :) at least the conversation we had will not become a regret.
One thing that really comforts me is that...God is in control.
Progress in Support Raising
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Faith and trust.
I wrote this verse to a dear sister when I was trying to encourage her to study for exams, yet today it was right where I needed it. Lately I've been struggling with support raising, not much of the asking part, but the mentality of how to ask people to partake in building His Kingdom. Through fund raising, I know that what I really want to do is to inspire others to in different ways be a follower of Christ and to advance the Gospel, whether it is through evangelizing, loving those around them daily, or to serve the community and to inspire others to go out.
It seems like support raising is going no where, slightly stressful I have to say...but I'll continue to pray and seek God. I first need to be refined before anything else. As I pray, I'll first be praying that I can abide in Him :)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
*Pinch*
Before sleeping last night, I was making a mental list. Not a mental list for shopping, but a mental list of blessings. Going through the day, I stopped...and my mind just brought me to many wonderful places that stored those memories.
This is another of those posts that I'm dedicating it to a certain person (you'll know who as you read on :))...and based on the title itself? :P
The first time we actually talked was on the trip back from wonderland in first year after exams...I remember I was so dizzy and was having motion sickness (the car ride was even more intense than the rides lol) yet we were able to carry a conversation :P . We sat together at the dinner table and just talked.
I also remember all those emails you sent me to keep me in check during the summer of 2009 when I went back to Hong Kong. I apologize for ignoring most of them, or replying super late :P Just to let you know, I enjoyed reading :) You were the only person in Toronto that kept me in check and I'm so thankful for that.
Second year...there is a truck load of memories. I am still amazed by the nights you would sleep over at my place, and the two of us would fit on a single bed :P My tiny room, studying and chatting at the dining table...definitely there are many more :)
Third year...wow...even more (what's larger than a truck?). You are such a great sister in Christ. Living with you definitely was a great springboard for me to grow. People say friends are like mirrors, and I would with no doubt say that you are one. Sharing, praying, small notes on the table...talks, late night walks to McDs, spontaneous grocery shopping at 2 in the morning...I've learned a lot from you, and for sure without doubt, with you too :) I learned so much more about you throughout the whole year, got to realize, as much as we are similar in the ways we think, we express it so differently. And of course, I learned so much about myself.
Forth year...I missed you! I definitely had! This year was tough without being able to share the tiny bit of things with you. I no longer ranted freely about anything, even knowing that you are the least likely to judge me out of everyone (cause you probably know me better than a lot of people). At winter retreat, when I hugged you and said I missed you, it was such a relief.
You might not have realized how much you influence people lives, and I can honestly tell you that you have made an enormous impact in mine. "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17. You were a piece of iron to me, at times it was painful, but without the sharpening how would we grow? :P *Pinch face* Thanks for always being there for me (the laughter, the tears, and the default face), keeping me accountable, and to share your life with me :) You are such a blessing in my life :D
This is another of those posts that I'm dedicating it to a certain person (you'll know who as you read on :))...and based on the title itself? :P
The first time we actually talked was on the trip back from wonderland in first year after exams...I remember I was so dizzy and was having motion sickness (the car ride was even more intense than the rides lol) yet we were able to carry a conversation :P . We sat together at the dinner table and just talked.
I also remember all those emails you sent me to keep me in check during the summer of 2009 when I went back to Hong Kong. I apologize for ignoring most of them, or replying super late :P Just to let you know, I enjoyed reading :) You were the only person in Toronto that kept me in check and I'm so thankful for that.
Second year...there is a truck load of memories. I am still amazed by the nights you would sleep over at my place, and the two of us would fit on a single bed :P My tiny room, studying and chatting at the dining table...definitely there are many more :)
Third year...wow...even more (what's larger than a truck?). You are such a great sister in Christ. Living with you definitely was a great springboard for me to grow. People say friends are like mirrors, and I would with no doubt say that you are one. Sharing, praying, small notes on the table...talks, late night walks to McDs, spontaneous grocery shopping at 2 in the morning...I've learned a lot from you, and for sure without doubt, with you too :) I learned so much more about you throughout the whole year, got to realize, as much as we are similar in the ways we think, we express it so differently. And of course, I learned so much about myself.
Forth year...I missed you! I definitely had! This year was tough without being able to share the tiny bit of things with you. I no longer ranted freely about anything, even knowing that you are the least likely to judge me out of everyone (cause you probably know me better than a lot of people). At winter retreat, when I hugged you and said I missed you, it was such a relief.
You might not have realized how much you influence people lives, and I can honestly tell you that you have made an enormous impact in mine. "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17. You were a piece of iron to me, at times it was painful, but without the sharpening how would we grow? :P *Pinch face* Thanks for always being there for me (the laughter, the tears, and the default face), keeping me accountable, and to share your life with me :) You are such a blessing in my life :D
Friday, April 20, 2012
"But God Speaks Through You..."
Had the most interesting conversation with my friend JR just now, and I really want to share a tiny fraction of it.
Out of no where, I texted my friend that I haven't seen for a while. Surprisingly, she replied in the middle of the night and it woke me up. I woke up and started talking to her through text, trying to get to know how her life is. I got tired of typing and suggested to meet up. Really couldn't expect a yes because I suggested to meet 8 hours later. Out of my expectation, she said yes.
Tried to sleep that night after deciding to meet up, and knowing that there was a prayer meeting in the morning...I still couldn't. I was awake trying to put things together into pieces.
To be honest, I was so scared that I would not recognize her because it's been almost a year? I'm quite terrible at keeping in contact, and this is an example of that...I was a little anxious of that and because I know that she no longer believes in God, all I did was to pray and anticipating the most awkward catch up. We were so close in high school, and I guess most of us are close to the point where we can just say whatever on our mind, not having to be afraid to offend each other :) The moment she saw me, she was super excited. Having only 2 hours of sleep and rushing over, I was a little thrown off the cliff and didn't know how to react, because time seemed to have just rewinded back to the high school days.
We had a wonderful catch up, discussion on God and science. And really praise God! I got to share the Gospel with her :) Definitely have to continue to pray for her, and I'm so grateful just to be able to invite her to explore Christianity together.
The title of this blog is "but God speaks through you..." you might wonder why I used this as a title as it seems to have no relations at all. Believe it or not, these were the words that my friend said to me in the middle of a discussion. At that moment when she was talking, I was praying cause I didn't have the words to say anymore, and my brain was completely scattered...the next moment...that was what I heard. I don't know why exactly she had that in mind, but I was so pretty amazed. Thus I boldly continue on.
As I shared to a sister right after in a busy plaza, this conversation was hard to carry, it was nowhere easy because of the circumstances, but praise God for His work (definitely not mine at all) and allowing me to witness Him softening her heart through the conversation :)
[I apologize for a not so coherent post...quite tired :P]
Out of no where, I texted my friend that I haven't seen for a while. Surprisingly, she replied in the middle of the night and it woke me up. I woke up and started talking to her through text, trying to get to know how her life is. I got tired of typing and suggested to meet up. Really couldn't expect a yes because I suggested to meet 8 hours later. Out of my expectation, she said yes.
Tried to sleep that night after deciding to meet up, and knowing that there was a prayer meeting in the morning...I still couldn't. I was awake trying to put things together into pieces.
To be honest, I was so scared that I would not recognize her because it's been almost a year? I'm quite terrible at keeping in contact, and this is an example of that...I was a little anxious of that and because I know that she no longer believes in God, all I did was to pray and anticipating the most awkward catch up. We were so close in high school, and I guess most of us are close to the point where we can just say whatever on our mind, not having to be afraid to offend each other :) The moment she saw me, she was super excited. Having only 2 hours of sleep and rushing over, I was a little thrown off the cliff and didn't know how to react, because time seemed to have just rewinded back to the high school days.
We had a wonderful catch up, discussion on God and science. And really praise God! I got to share the Gospel with her :) Definitely have to continue to pray for her, and I'm so grateful just to be able to invite her to explore Christianity together.
The title of this blog is "but God speaks through you..." you might wonder why I used this as a title as it seems to have no relations at all. Believe it or not, these were the words that my friend said to me in the middle of a discussion. At that moment when she was talking, I was praying cause I didn't have the words to say anymore, and my brain was completely scattered...the next moment...that was what I heard. I don't know why exactly she had that in mind, but I was so pretty amazed. Thus I boldly continue on.
As I shared to a sister right after in a busy plaza, this conversation was hard to carry, it was nowhere easy because of the circumstances, but praise God for His work (definitely not mine at all) and allowing me to witness Him softening her heart through the conversation :)
[I apologize for a not so coherent post...quite tired :P]
Reconnect?
Stop for a moment. 30 seconds maybe?
Take another 30 seconds to think of the certain individuals that you haven't seen for a long time, friends that you used to be so close with...when was the last time you saw them?
---
Where there a lot? Or at least a couple?
---
It has come to my realization that I've lost so many ties with people in these past 4 years. People in high school, friends from res, commerce friends, DECA friends, debate friends...the list goes on.
The group that I treasured the most was my high school friends. It was so nice to have them around through the hardest times. Spending our last year together at lunch everyday, walking home from school, same group for projects, deciding on which uni to go to, prom...etc. It was fun, and I definitely had so much fun after being in the darkest pit in my grade 11 year.
Obviously, our group not only had us girls, but also a few more guys from fellowship. Steven always drove, so a few of us who had more time would always go out for dinners, or randomly chill after school. His 1996 Honda Accord helped created so many of those memories, the good ones (can't really come up with bad ones). Johnny's burger, sushi, late night hang out at Sally's...
Even when Steven and I started dating in first year, we would always hang out with Sally and Judy, cause Steven and Sally would come out from Laurier/Waterloo often enough. Judy and I hung out very frequently in first year as we had a lot of time on campus.
Things changed along the way...
Judy cut off all her contacts and disappeared (it was the scariest thing for me), and of course...Steven and I broke up. And at the same time, we all started getting busy at school, weekly emails became bi-monthly, then became monthly...
The break up was bad enough on it's own, and because we didn't really tell our group of friends that we were going out in the first place, everything just shattered as we lost contact with Judy.
Maybe I was really frustrated back then, and that I craved (and still do) for attachment with people, I asked why do we no longer meet up as a group of friends whenever we can. Slowly I drifted away, and justified my actions by thinking that I have a community in university already.
Later on, at times where I see things that knocks at this chest of treasures I have...it's the most painful thing. I still remember seeing Steven at Frosh ConnecXion 2010...he was the MC for the night (which I was utterly surprised to see him there)...I think that moment flooded my brain with memories of high school, and thus I volunteered to go wash utensils from the barbeque. At that moment, I knew that I forgave him, and all I wanted was this group of friends once again. (I really wish we can talk again...maybe face to face...) This group of girls, and the few guys were all the people who were there walking with me, when I knew nothing. The stories and memories we share are so precious...no other friends can really replace them.
Just today...I found out that the girls will be having a meetup next week...which I would not be able to attend :( I wasn't invited, and a sense of bitterness with no doubt filled my heart (along with other things). I became resentful, because many of them did not reply my emails or facebook messages when I was trying to reach out to them this past year...thoughts mounting...
Suddenly at a break of moment, I realized one thing. I love these girls more than I can really be angry with them. I was upset because I valued them so much. Then I started a conversation with the person I was texting, and we decided to meet up tomorrow (since I won't be able to go to the gathering) ...cause I'm spontaneous! :P If you happen to see this before lunch, please pray for our conversation. She drifted away from God these past few years, and I just really hope to have an edifying conversation with her :)
I'm thankful that I have this chance to reconnect :) Starting from small, one step at a time.
Take another 30 seconds to think of the certain individuals that you haven't seen for a long time, friends that you used to be so close with...when was the last time you saw them?
---
Where there a lot? Or at least a couple?
---
It has come to my realization that I've lost so many ties with people in these past 4 years. People in high school, friends from res, commerce friends, DECA friends, debate friends...the list goes on.
The group that I treasured the most was my high school friends. It was so nice to have them around through the hardest times. Spending our last year together at lunch everyday, walking home from school, same group for projects, deciding on which uni to go to, prom...etc. It was fun, and I definitely had so much fun after being in the darkest pit in my grade 11 year.
Obviously, our group not only had us girls, but also a few more guys from fellowship. Steven always drove, so a few of us who had more time would always go out for dinners, or randomly chill after school. His 1996 Honda Accord helped created so many of those memories, the good ones (can't really come up with bad ones). Johnny's burger, sushi, late night hang out at Sally's...
Even when Steven and I started dating in first year, we would always hang out with Sally and Judy, cause Steven and Sally would come out from Laurier/Waterloo often enough. Judy and I hung out very frequently in first year as we had a lot of time on campus.
Things changed along the way...
Judy cut off all her contacts and disappeared (it was the scariest thing for me), and of course...Steven and I broke up. And at the same time, we all started getting busy at school, weekly emails became bi-monthly, then became monthly...
The break up was bad enough on it's own, and because we didn't really tell our group of friends that we were going out in the first place, everything just shattered as we lost contact with Judy.
Maybe I was really frustrated back then, and that I craved (and still do) for attachment with people, I asked why do we no longer meet up as a group of friends whenever we can. Slowly I drifted away, and justified my actions by thinking that I have a community in university already.
Later on, at times where I see things that knocks at this chest of treasures I have...it's the most painful thing. I still remember seeing Steven at Frosh ConnecXion 2010...he was the MC for the night (which I was utterly surprised to see him there)...I think that moment flooded my brain with memories of high school, and thus I volunteered to go wash utensils from the barbeque. At that moment, I knew that I forgave him, and all I wanted was this group of friends once again. (I really wish we can talk again...maybe face to face...) This group of girls, and the few guys were all the people who were there walking with me, when I knew nothing. The stories and memories we share are so precious...no other friends can really replace them.
Just today...I found out that the girls will be having a meetup next week...which I would not be able to attend :( I wasn't invited, and a sense of bitterness with no doubt filled my heart (along with other things). I became resentful, because many of them did not reply my emails or facebook messages when I was trying to reach out to them this past year...thoughts mounting...
Suddenly at a break of moment, I realized one thing. I love these girls more than I can really be angry with them. I was upset because I valued them so much. Then I started a conversation with the person I was texting, and we decided to meet up tomorrow (since I won't be able to go to the gathering) ...cause I'm spontaneous! :P If you happen to see this before lunch, please pray for our conversation. She drifted away from God these past few years, and I just really hope to have an edifying conversation with her :)
I'm thankful that I have this chance to reconnect :) Starting from small, one step at a time.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
An 800 Meter Long Course
I feel like I am in the middle of a set of 8-800 Meter training.
Not sure of how many of you swim, and maybe it's hard to explain how an 800 meter feels like, because it is definitely different than a track race. The longer track distances are like 5000m, while in swimming, the longest usually in normal competitions is 1500m. So an 800 definitely is a one of the longer distances you get, and not every stroke offers that. Sadly only freestyle has this distance event in competitions.
To master an 800 is not easy. It requires a built of momentum. Unlike a 200 track, where you can sprint it through, a 200 for swimming already requires pacing - counting your strokes, stretching forms, fine tune of turnings, etc. The first 200 is a breeze in the 800, once you get to the 3rd and 4th laps, ha! You start to get tired. Your arms seems like they are flailing around because you've might have been sprinting...and you are starting to lose your form. That's the moment where you want to give up the most, because your heart is starting to feel overloaded, your lungs no longer seem to be able to sustain itself with a 3 arm stroke breathing (this is better for balance...). You then revert yourself to a breath/2 arm stroke, and once that happens, you find out you are like a worm wobbling in the water, or a fish being taken out of the water and flapping around on the deck. And not to mention the turns...who wants to do a proper turn when they can just touch and bounce off the wall?
The amazing things is...
If you stick in there for another 50meters, everything is going to change. During your 450-500m, your body picks up the momentum. Your heart doesn't feel as overloaded, your lungs don't seem to be a let loose balloon, and your body seems to gain back some control. "1...2...3...1...2...3..." The next thing you know is...you are speeding up, and your body is gliding through the water for the rest of the 800m.
-------------
This is exactly what I feel like my spiritual life is like lately. I'm right at the point of 300-400m. I don't know why I've had the courage/decision to reconcile with the past, all I know is...once I started this "training," I'm not going to stop. I don't feel any built up of momentum yet, I feel like I'm lost in the waters, but I know it'll soon be okay.
Opening up those dusty boxes that I've never dared to touch is the first step. I want to once in for all deal with them, just dump the trash away and move on. Yet this time I've learned, I'm smarter...the previous trainings have definitely allowed me to build an endurance for easier recovery of the body's fatigue. This time I'm not going to rely on anyone to help me, but just to set it right with God. (Knowing that...I don't really like to listen to people lecturing me anyway)...
Learning to trust in Him...through this for His glory :)
Not sure of how many of you swim, and maybe it's hard to explain how an 800 meter feels like, because it is definitely different than a track race. The longer track distances are like 5000m, while in swimming, the longest usually in normal competitions is 1500m. So an 800 definitely is a one of the longer distances you get, and not every stroke offers that. Sadly only freestyle has this distance event in competitions.
To master an 800 is not easy. It requires a built of momentum. Unlike a 200 track, where you can sprint it through, a 200 for swimming already requires pacing - counting your strokes, stretching forms, fine tune of turnings, etc. The first 200 is a breeze in the 800, once you get to the 3rd and 4th laps, ha! You start to get tired. Your arms seems like they are flailing around because you've might have been sprinting...and you are starting to lose your form. That's the moment where you want to give up the most, because your heart is starting to feel overloaded, your lungs no longer seem to be able to sustain itself with a 3 arm stroke breathing (this is better for balance...). You then revert yourself to a breath/2 arm stroke, and once that happens, you find out you are like a worm wobbling in the water, or a fish being taken out of the water and flapping around on the deck. And not to mention the turns...who wants to do a proper turn when they can just touch and bounce off the wall?
The amazing things is...
If you stick in there for another 50meters, everything is going to change. During your 450-500m, your body picks up the momentum. Your heart doesn't feel as overloaded, your lungs don't seem to be a let loose balloon, and your body seems to gain back some control. "1...2...3...1...2...3..." The next thing you know is...you are speeding up, and your body is gliding through the water for the rest of the 800m.
-------------
This is exactly what I feel like my spiritual life is like lately. I'm right at the point of 300-400m. I don't know why I've had the courage/decision to reconcile with the past, all I know is...once I started this "training," I'm not going to stop. I don't feel any built up of momentum yet, I feel like I'm lost in the waters, but I know it'll soon be okay.
Opening up those dusty boxes that I've never dared to touch is the first step. I want to once in for all deal with them, just dump the trash away and move on. Yet this time I've learned, I'm smarter...the previous trainings have definitely allowed me to build an endurance for easier recovery of the body's fatigue. This time I'm not going to rely on anyone to help me, but just to set it right with God. (Knowing that...I don't really like to listen to people lecturing me anyway)...
Learning to trust in Him...through this for His glory :)
"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Missionfest Toronto 2012
Deciding to go was very spontaneous, I'm glad I went! :)
Yesterday night, CL messaged me on gmail asking if I was interested. I kind of wanted to go but couldn't find a legit reason when I'm sick already, I thought that maybe resting was more important. Later I knew that I need to get to Scarborough at 9a.m. to make it for the women's program. I hesitated...it required me to wake up rather early. So I ended up telling CL that I'll see if I wake up in the morning to join.
Out of nowhere, I actually woke up on my first alarm at 630, but then drifted back into sleep. Woke up and then lazed around for a bit before I showered and get ready. During that time, I was asking myself: Why are you going? Prayed a little and asked God to open up my eyes as He shows me why I'm going there.
Surprisingly, the program was really good. The testimony and the speaker was amazing. Powerful indeed. And the things that the speaker talked about actually spoke to me. She took the things that we think we know and put it in a different light. One thing I really want to share is that she had this model thing about transformation. She explained that before God transforms us, He always prepares us. During the time of preparation is like pruning, it might hurt, but that's how we are prepared. This was a great reminder of what attitude we should be holding onto.
We then went to a seminar talking about evangelism in countries and nations that are full of persecution. Throughout the seminar, looking at the stats and stuff, what popped up in my mind was not exactly the countries the speaker was talking about, but more so - North America and Europe. The place that we are exactly living in...actually needs the Gospel. Many people say that in the past people send missionaries to China, to Africa and other nations that don't know the Gospel, and now it's about time the reverse is happening. I don't know about you, but when I meditate on this fact, it bothers me. While the speaker was talking about his own experiences, I began to wonder why the developed countries are so indifferent. Something for me to ponder on...
Overall, it was a good trip going uptown :) A lot of reflections...journal time :D
Yesterday night, CL messaged me on gmail asking if I was interested. I kind of wanted to go but couldn't find a legit reason when I'm sick already, I thought that maybe resting was more important. Later I knew that I need to get to Scarborough at 9a.m. to make it for the women's program. I hesitated...it required me to wake up rather early. So I ended up telling CL that I'll see if I wake up in the morning to join.
Out of nowhere, I actually woke up on my first alarm at 630, but then drifted back into sleep. Woke up and then lazed around for a bit before I showered and get ready. During that time, I was asking myself: Why are you going? Prayed a little and asked God to open up my eyes as He shows me why I'm going there.
Surprisingly, the program was really good. The testimony and the speaker was amazing. Powerful indeed. And the things that the speaker talked about actually spoke to me. She took the things that we think we know and put it in a different light. One thing I really want to share is that she had this model thing about transformation. She explained that before God transforms us, He always prepares us. During the time of preparation is like pruning, it might hurt, but that's how we are prepared. This was a great reminder of what attitude we should be holding onto.
We then went to a seminar talking about evangelism in countries and nations that are full of persecution. Throughout the seminar, looking at the stats and stuff, what popped up in my mind was not exactly the countries the speaker was talking about, but more so - North America and Europe. The place that we are exactly living in...actually needs the Gospel. Many people say that in the past people send missionaries to China, to Africa and other nations that don't know the Gospel, and now it's about time the reverse is happening. I don't know about you, but when I meditate on this fact, it bothers me. While the speaker was talking about his own experiences, I began to wonder why the developed countries are so indifferent. Something for me to ponder on...
Overall, it was a good trip going uptown :) A lot of reflections...journal time :D
Friday, April 13, 2012
Mission Trip Sharing Night
Don't know what to write about it :P Lately I'm a little tired/lazy of telling people how I feel. Ask me personally / in person if you want to know :P I think I prefer that a lot more, cause typing a blog and not knowing who's reading it...is a very passive form of communication :( that's why I'm a little bleh about typing lately.
[might update this later]
One thing I just want to say is that, this sharing night pushed me even further in reflecting about the trip and what God is/has been teaching me.
[might update this later]
One thing I just want to say is that, this sharing night pushed me even further in reflecting about the trip and what God is/has been teaching me.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
You Then Realize How Tiny You Are...
Lately I've been on the journey of learning what it means to surrender. Whether it is through lent (optional sacrifice), or through other means, I've learned quite a lot. Today, God just allowed me to realize another thing of discipline itself.
I always knew rest is a discipline, and I always tell others to rest too. However for myself, it's very hard. Sometimes I don't rest because I feel a strong urge that by staying up late will grant me a few more hours, and that gives me some sort of control. So as you would know the story, I stayed up late, pull so many half-all-nighters this past month to the point where my body starts choking up on me. Been sick on and off for the past few weeks. Worse of all is that I don't really care...as long as I am able to get stuff done, and am able to exert this some sort of control.
Well oh well...after "surprising" a friend for their birthday yesterday night, somehow the cold came back. My bones were burning and aching to a point I'd say...it's not a good idea to get off bed. Yet this morning there was another surprise that I've said I'd go...slept for 3 hours...looked at the clock. My body isn't quite listening to me...can't get off bed - worse feeling ever. In my mind the only thing was running through was: why now?
Was a little upset lying in bed with aching and pain, I realized at that point of how tiny I am. For the past month, I've been trying to find a grip to the future, try to find a way to control how much time I have left to spend with people I treasure. I've leaned on myself for this whole journey. To me it was as if God was there, but you know..."God, wait quietly in the corner, and I'll attend to you asap." I still felt restless at times where I do 2 hours of devos a day. I was reading, but I wasn't resting.
All along, I've thought that in all this, trusting God, having faith will be fine. I tried so hard, and may I say, I've tried TOO hard to trust in God. I "trust" Him, but in reality it was a really forceful kind of trust. It's like doing a paper on a subject you hate the most, you try to brainwash yourself that you like that subject. And in the end...you can't deny the fact that you don't like it at all. This past month I've been trying hard to find ways, external ways, to make myself believe that God is in control, but deep down I was not convinced or felt that He was here (more like I was choosing to run away because I wanted some sort of control to myself).
While lying there this morning before I drifted back into sleep, one word was printed in my mind - SURRENDER Aha! There you go. I never did fully surrender everything of myself after winter retreat after praying about it, I did not actively live out what I've learned / experienced. For the longest time I was asking God to reveal Himself, yet I forgot to quiet down and listen to Him. There He was reminding me to surrender while I was incapable to get off the bed. There are important things I wanted to do, i.e. spend time with my friends during birthdays, unity praise night, these are all important things. However, none are as important as spending time with Him.
Praise Him! Sitting here...shutting off everything of the world is giving me a great sense of peace. I'm overwhelmed by this peace that I've been longing for.
----
While I was typing this, I clicked to "Still" on my itunes, cause one of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10...every bit of the lyrics spoke to me :) (I listen to a lot of music...and it affects me - for good and for bad)
I always knew rest is a discipline, and I always tell others to rest too. However for myself, it's very hard. Sometimes I don't rest because I feel a strong urge that by staying up late will grant me a few more hours, and that gives me some sort of control. So as you would know the story, I stayed up late, pull so many half-all-nighters this past month to the point where my body starts choking up on me. Been sick on and off for the past few weeks. Worse of all is that I don't really care...as long as I am able to get stuff done, and am able to exert this some sort of control.
Well oh well...after "surprising" a friend for their birthday yesterday night, somehow the cold came back. My bones were burning and aching to a point I'd say...it's not a good idea to get off bed. Yet this morning there was another surprise that I've said I'd go...slept for 3 hours...looked at the clock. My body isn't quite listening to me...can't get off bed - worse feeling ever. In my mind the only thing was running through was: why now?
Was a little upset lying in bed with aching and pain, I realized at that point of how tiny I am. For the past month, I've been trying to find a grip to the future, try to find a way to control how much time I have left to spend with people I treasure. I've leaned on myself for this whole journey. To me it was as if God was there, but you know..."God, wait quietly in the corner, and I'll attend to you asap." I still felt restless at times where I do 2 hours of devos a day. I was reading, but I wasn't resting.
All along, I've thought that in all this, trusting God, having faith will be fine. I tried so hard, and may I say, I've tried TOO hard to trust in God. I "trust" Him, but in reality it was a really forceful kind of trust. It's like doing a paper on a subject you hate the most, you try to brainwash yourself that you like that subject. And in the end...you can't deny the fact that you don't like it at all. This past month I've been trying hard to find ways, external ways, to make myself believe that God is in control, but deep down I was not convinced or felt that He was here (more like I was choosing to run away because I wanted some sort of control to myself).
While lying there this morning before I drifted back into sleep, one word was printed in my mind - SURRENDER Aha! There you go. I never did fully surrender everything of myself after winter retreat after praying about it, I did not actively live out what I've learned / experienced. For the longest time I was asking God to reveal Himself, yet I forgot to quiet down and listen to Him. There He was reminding me to surrender while I was incapable to get off the bed. There are important things I wanted to do, i.e. spend time with my friends during birthdays, unity praise night, these are all important things. However, none are as important as spending time with Him.
Praise Him! Sitting here...shutting off everything of the world is giving me a great sense of peace. I'm overwhelmed by this peace that I've been longing for.
----
While I was typing this, I clicked to "Still" on my itunes, cause one of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10...every bit of the lyrics spoke to me :) (I listen to a lot of music...and it affects me - for good and for bad)
Hide me nowI'm going to end off with the Psalm 46:10 from NASB because I like the word choice more...the phrase "cease striving" sticks out.
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10 (NASB)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"Start From God's Love..."
[Still in the process of typing a few posts from before...but I can't refrain myself from typing this one first]
Just an hour ago, I was texting JH, somehow we got to a conversation where I said "I'm different lol but actually, in the process of striving to be different, everyone is still the same...cause everyone is striving to be different...which is the same..." I said those exact words in my text. Out of frustration towards myself...I've been doubting a lot lately. I am so faithless in comparison to our faithful God.
This afternoon when I was talking to my roommate EW, I was telling her that someone mentioned to me that I don't talk about my dad. As EW knows a lot more of my family than any other people around me, she understood, and so the conversation went on. Through that conversation, I've realized how deeply my identity is rooted in the words that my dad once said to me (even if it's a simple casual phrase of - "you're fat" or "you've lost? only losers lose a simple competition like this.").
Doubting myself and doubting the future has lead to having a smile on my face when with people, yet tears strolling down my face when I'm left alone. It's been tiring. I've been trying so hard, so hard to exert this facade in front of people...and more so, in front of God. In prayers, I would tell God it's okay, I'll trust You, yet deep down inside, all I know is that I'm so broken, and I don't (or I can't) mean what I say in my prayers. The vicious cycle goes on, I feel like a failure. Since that moment of defeat many years ago, I no longer could have been confident of who I am as a person. Yesterday, when I was studying for my exam, my attention floated away and I prayed to God and promised Him that I will try to reconcile with myself...after this employment law exam. (Well...possible Friday?) I was just so tired...spiritually and mentally. Flooding myself with worship songs was the only thing I could have done to keep me going.
So after the conversations today with people, I fell into this loop of insecurity about the future...back again...there I went, straight into the deep well I've dug for myself. That well...contains everything...things that are good and bad. And lately, because the water is very very stagnant, all I could see was black dirty stuff even if there was the Sun. Wandering away, I was on tumblr and was on AW's page...and I saw - "the sacrifice of calling." [It's linked, roll over the brackets :)]
In the conversation with JH, I also mentioned that I don't know how am I suppose to utilize my spiritual gifts. The 4 of them...seems so far apart. But then the video spoke to me. Not just trying to find your calling part. The part that exactly hit me was when he said "start from God's love." Isn't that what we've been trying to discover in CCF this year? Wasn't that exactly what us committee was trying to inspire people to do through "Gospel Driven Identity?" (believe it or not...I was flipping through the framework 2 days ago while cleaning up).
I was reminded once again. How much I need Him, and how abundant is His love for me.
Just an hour ago, I was texting JH, somehow we got to a conversation where I said "I'm different lol but actually, in the process of striving to be different, everyone is still the same...cause everyone is striving to be different...which is the same..." I said those exact words in my text. Out of frustration towards myself...I've been doubting a lot lately. I am so faithless in comparison to our faithful God.
This afternoon when I was talking to my roommate EW, I was telling her that someone mentioned to me that I don't talk about my dad. As EW knows a lot more of my family than any other people around me, she understood, and so the conversation went on. Through that conversation, I've realized how deeply my identity is rooted in the words that my dad once said to me (even if it's a simple casual phrase of - "you're fat" or "you've lost? only losers lose a simple competition like this.").
Doubting myself and doubting the future has lead to having a smile on my face when with people, yet tears strolling down my face when I'm left alone. It's been tiring. I've been trying so hard, so hard to exert this facade in front of people...and more so, in front of God. In prayers, I would tell God it's okay, I'll trust You, yet deep down inside, all I know is that I'm so broken, and I don't (or I can't) mean what I say in my prayers. The vicious cycle goes on, I feel like a failure. Since that moment of defeat many years ago, I no longer could have been confident of who I am as a person. Yesterday, when I was studying for my exam, my attention floated away and I prayed to God and promised Him that I will try to reconcile with myself...after this employment law exam. (Well...possible Friday?) I was just so tired...spiritually and mentally. Flooding myself with worship songs was the only thing I could have done to keep me going.
So after the conversations today with people, I fell into this loop of insecurity about the future...back again...there I went, straight into the deep well I've dug for myself. That well...contains everything...things that are good and bad. And lately, because the water is very very stagnant, all I could see was black dirty stuff even if there was the Sun. Wandering away, I was on tumblr and was on AW's page...and I saw - "the sacrifice of calling." [It's linked, roll over the brackets :)]
In the conversation with JH, I also mentioned that I don't know how am I suppose to utilize my spiritual gifts. The 4 of them...seems so far apart. But then the video spoke to me. Not just trying to find your calling part. The part that exactly hit me was when he said "start from God's love." Isn't that what we've been trying to discover in CCF this year? Wasn't that exactly what us committee was trying to inspire people to do through "Gospel Driven Identity?" (believe it or not...I was flipping through the framework 2 days ago while cleaning up).
I was reminded once again. How much I need Him, and how abundant is His love for me.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Bookends
This post is for you SW! We started undergrad together on the first day at our first class, and we ended these 4 years still together, in the same class. You literally were the person that bookend-ed my 4 years with me. Still remember how we met? - Something that I'll never forget for life :P I really don't know why you had the courage to come up to me like that!
What you said to me last night at Amanda's class opened a chamber of reflection. I don't think I've publicly typed anything in this matter before...let's see how this goes :)
-----
Many people as me why we can be friends, the only thing I could of said is - we appreciate each other for the good and the bad. Out of these 4 years, I'd have to say, our friendship (out of many others) had many ups and downs, yet because of those, they allowed us to get to understand each other on a deeper level. That's what matters :D Thank you for allowing me knowing the other side of you, for that side isn't observed or known by too many :) Thinking back of these years, the only things I really do remember were those that we went through stuff together. Honest talks, frosh week (dessert mixer in particular :P), grad dinner...
I just really want you to know, I really appreciate having you as a sister and a friend :) Fellow companion in many things (group projects, event planning, and many more to come this summer). And just so you know, when you need us, we girls are and will always be there! :D You are such a blessing from God <3
What you said to me last night at Amanda's class opened a chamber of reflection. I don't think I've publicly typed anything in this matter before...let's see how this goes :)
-----
Many people as me why we can be friends, the only thing I could of said is - we appreciate each other for the good and the bad. Out of these 4 years, I'd have to say, our friendship (out of many others) had many ups and downs, yet because of those, they allowed us to get to understand each other on a deeper level. That's what matters :D Thank you for allowing me knowing the other side of you, for that side isn't observed or known by too many :) Thinking back of these years, the only things I really do remember were those that we went through stuff together. Honest talks, frosh week (dessert mixer in particular :P), grad dinner...
I just really want you to know, I really appreciate having you as a sister and a friend :) Fellow companion in many things (group projects, event planning, and many more to come this summer). And just so you know, when you need us, we girls are and will always be there! :D You are such a blessing from God <3
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Faithful One
Thank you JH! :D I'm so grateful to have a sister/friend like you. Completely broke down...maybe as you said, it's a lot better that I let it all out than when it's to the point I explode.
It's funny how God answered my prayer at that moment. I was so stressed out, was tearing up in the library, and texting at the same time. I was praying to God asking for someone to pray with me, to calm me down, and just to reel me back in...
Then I receive a phone call, on the other end, the voice said "I'm in G caf."
I rushed down...trying to hold in my tears...but I just collapsed. This past month, everything in this past month came out. All the frustrations, all the confusions, all the...literally everything. Couldn't stop crying, and JH, you just let me be who I was and to be completely true to my feelings. I praise God for you <3 God has definitely blessed me with you this year. I still remember the first time we met, you prayed with me.
Took me so long just to stop my tears and your prayer was just...the dam collapsed again :P The prayer reminded me so much of the song that I've been looping lately...
I really can't wait to see what God has in stored. I'm nervous...I'm emotional about it, but I guess it'll be alright :D You reminded me to find peace in Him, to trust in Him, and just let go and let God!
It's funny how God answered my prayer at that moment. I was so stressed out, was tearing up in the library, and texting at the same time. I was praying to God asking for someone to pray with me, to calm me down, and just to reel me back in...
Then I receive a phone call, on the other end, the voice said "I'm in G caf."
I rushed down...trying to hold in my tears...but I just collapsed. This past month, everything in this past month came out. All the frustrations, all the confusions, all the...literally everything. Couldn't stop crying, and JH, you just let me be who I was and to be completely true to my feelings. I praise God for you <3 God has definitely blessed me with you this year. I still remember the first time we met, you prayed with me.
Took me so long just to stop my tears and your prayer was just...the dam collapsed again :P The prayer reminded me so much of the song that I've been looping lately...
Faithful one, so unchangingI'm in so much joy just to be able to share with you God's faithfulness. The "little things" that God has showed us both individually allows us to bear witness to His greatness. (Can't really share them here to other people :( but God is good!)
Ageless one, you're my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone
I really can't wait to see what God has in stored. I'm nervous...I'm emotional about it, but I guess it'll be alright :D You reminded me to find peace in Him, to trust in Him, and just let go and let God!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I Flipped to This During Church Today
Been so bogged down by the f-word lately (...don't think too much, I meant the word - future).
At Church during worship, the song Faithful One was ringing in my ears.
Lead me in the everlasting way. Seeking what's lying ahead...yet the most important thing is to first seek Him.
At Church during worship, the song Faithful One was ringing in my ears.
Faithful one, so unchangingSat down and couldn't resist but to flip back to what I was reading yesterday - Psalm 139
Ageless one, you?re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
you lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.The last part of this Psalm hit me: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139
Lead me in the everlasting way. Seeking what's lying ahead...yet the most important thing is to first seek Him.
Lunch on a Sunday...
Went to TCBC today. Felt like it is a good time to come back, after these past few months, I've experienced a lot. Deep down inside, there's so many things that are going on.
It felt a little awkward coming back when people said, "Oh! You are here, how come?" or something like, "Why are you here?" Why can't I? :P (but let's not go there...) It felt a little weird in general, can't really describe the vibe, but there was a vibe of some sort...
I got to catch up with auntie Alicia over lunch, was really good :) I got to ask her things and just to share about my life in these past few months. In the very beginning, I didn't know why she sent me an email asking me why I was leaving, but now, I really appreciate it. She checked up on me, personally asking me before she made any assumptions whatsoever. Just like for many people, I'd rather people ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing in person than to "induce" reasons. She said to me "people who care will know, and they will ask."
Haven't felt this way in a long time...she supported me in whatever my decision was. She encouraged me to continue with the things I'm working on, in the things that I am convicted that is glorifying God. It felt like talking to a friend, that's been there, done it...etc. In a way, I could share with her my struggles, and things that I'm excited, and she'll be excited for/with me :) It was refreshing talking to her about many things. Maybe I needed that affirmation, that support from someone that cares. Sharing about missions, wow...almost anything that we could cover in an hour.
Before she had to pick up her children, we prayed. We spent a moment in prayer. *tears*
I wished I had a peer to share and to pray like that (a prayer that I'm still praying everyday).
It felt a little awkward coming back when people said, "Oh! You are here, how come?" or something like, "Why are you here?" Why can't I? :P (but let's not go there...) It felt a little weird in general, can't really describe the vibe, but there was a vibe of some sort...
I got to catch up with auntie Alicia over lunch, was really good :) I got to ask her things and just to share about my life in these past few months. In the very beginning, I didn't know why she sent me an email asking me why I was leaving, but now, I really appreciate it. She checked up on me, personally asking me before she made any assumptions whatsoever. Just like for many people, I'd rather people ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing in person than to "induce" reasons. She said to me "people who care will know, and they will ask."
Haven't felt this way in a long time...she supported me in whatever my decision was. She encouraged me to continue with the things I'm working on, in the things that I am convicted that is glorifying God. It felt like talking to a friend, that's been there, done it...etc. In a way, I could share with her my struggles, and things that I'm excited, and she'll be excited for/with me :) It was refreshing talking to her about many things. Maybe I needed that affirmation, that support from someone that cares. Sharing about missions, wow...almost anything that we could cover in an hour.
Before she had to pick up her children, we prayed. We spent a moment in prayer. *tears*
I wished I had a peer to share and to pray like that (a prayer that I'm still praying everyday).
Saturday, March 31, 2012
My Mask
Everyday, we live in a masquerade. As humans we always want to seek for approval and acceptance.
The truth is, our inner desires are not fulfilled, and we are self-centered.
I was hit by this verse today...it's a reminder to me to stop being so self-centered. Time to take off that mask...
The truth is, our inner desires are not fulfilled, and we are self-centered.
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;We mask our true feelings because on the one hand, we want people to like us. We don't truly reveal to people who we are...and we hide the ugly little bit, even if we know that God is pruning our bad stuff. On the other hand, we are very self-centered. We often say we are not good...which at the same time denys the beauty in God's creation. In Genesis, it says in scripture already that we are created in His own image. We are created by God...why is it so hard to find beauty in ourselves then? (I often struggle with that :(...)
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14
I was hit by this verse today...it's a reminder to me to stop being so self-centered. Time to take off that mask...
Friday, March 30, 2012
Moving On
Today was the last CCF...bittersweet.
I always describe my experience in CCF as a love-hate relationship. Throughout my 4 years in CCF, there were moments that I really wanted to leave. To seek out a fellowship that I fit better in (and yes...even after being on committee, I still say so). To leave is not because I don't like CCF, nor that do I not care about the growth of the fellowship. It was more because I cared, I didn't want the experience of staying make me eventually dislike the structural. Yet at the same time, a lot of people who knows me well encouraged me to stay, not to wait for changes, but to be the change. After this year, I still don't know if I have allowed God to do work through me, or to be a tool that God can use to inspire people. Maybe yes? Maybe no? I don't know...
It didn't quite hit me that I'm supposed to move on, and I think it's going to take me another while to get used to the fact that I'm going to be graduating and leaving soon. I'm terrified inside. Truly am I have to say. This transition state is the hardest. I grew as a Christian in TCBC and in CCF. I can't concretely tell you what I have learned these past few years, the only thing I know is that people who know me keep on telling me that I've changed a lot as a person. I don't really know if it's true, maybe?
Something really hit me during musical worship, don't think people would realize in any way, but I was tearing up in the back, because the affirmation that God will be with me struck me.
It's time to move on, time to find a Church or to stay, but definitely time to find a new community. My steps are shaking, but I'll trust in You!
I always describe my experience in CCF as a love-hate relationship. Throughout my 4 years in CCF, there were moments that I really wanted to leave. To seek out a fellowship that I fit better in (and yes...even after being on committee, I still say so). To leave is not because I don't like CCF, nor that do I not care about the growth of the fellowship. It was more because I cared, I didn't want the experience of staying make me eventually dislike the structural. Yet at the same time, a lot of people who knows me well encouraged me to stay, not to wait for changes, but to be the change. After this year, I still don't know if I have allowed God to do work through me, or to be a tool that God can use to inspire people. Maybe yes? Maybe no? I don't know...
It didn't quite hit me that I'm supposed to move on, and I think it's going to take me another while to get used to the fact that I'm going to be graduating and leaving soon. I'm terrified inside. Truly am I have to say. This transition state is the hardest. I grew as a Christian in TCBC and in CCF. I can't concretely tell you what I have learned these past few years, the only thing I know is that people who know me keep on telling me that I've changed a lot as a person. I don't really know if it's true, maybe?
Something really hit me during musical worship, don't think people would realize in any way, but I was tearing up in the back, because the affirmation that God will be with me struck me.
The greatest love that anyone could ever knowI will live to love You, I will live to bring You praise, I will live a child in awe of You. Once again, I was drawn back to where I needed to be. It doesn't quite matter where I'll be next year (though it does matter in reality :P), but that no matter where I'll be, I should glorify you.
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You
With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You
I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You
You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you
You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name
It's time to move on, time to find a Church or to stay, but definitely time to find a new community. My steps are shaking, but I'll trust in You!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Lack in Boldness
Another reflection I had during my leadership course was...my lack in boldness.
There was a classmate doing a presentation. The first thing she came up to the stage and said was "I believe in Judaism, and that's why my leadership paradigm is the star of David. For everything I do, I relate back to my religion."
*Whoosh!* It blew my mind! I sat there, not as nicole, but as a disciple...I looked at my classmates boldness. I felt a little shameful inside, cause I lacked that boldness to proclaim that I am a Christian in the class. Yes, I might have implicitly used servant leadership in my own model, but not as bold as my classmate.
I know this sounds like I'm comparing :P But I sometimes do hope to have the boldness that I lack in, not only in this situation, but in general. For the times I've been bold enough, I see God's work. I see God moving people's hearts and to transform them.
May we all have this boldness. Boldness in proclaiming that Christ is our Savior, and just to tell people about the Good News that we know of. I'm a little nervous going to Cambridge after watching a clip this morning...>.< I need to depend on God so much more!
There was a classmate doing a presentation. The first thing she came up to the stage and said was "I believe in Judaism, and that's why my leadership paradigm is the star of David. For everything I do, I relate back to my religion."
*Whoosh!* It blew my mind! I sat there, not as nicole, but as a disciple...I looked at my classmates boldness. I felt a little shameful inside, cause I lacked that boldness to proclaim that I am a Christian in the class. Yes, I might have implicitly used servant leadership in my own model, but not as bold as my classmate.
I know this sounds like I'm comparing :P But I sometimes do hope to have the boldness that I lack in, not only in this situation, but in general. For the times I've been bold enough, I see God's work. I see God moving people's hearts and to transform them.
May we all have this boldness. Boldness in proclaiming that Christ is our Savior, and just to tell people about the Good News that we know of. I'm a little nervous going to Cambridge after watching a clip this morning...>.< I need to depend on God so much more!
2 Hours of Sleep...
God spoke to me in a different way through the experience of 2 hours of sleep. I'm still having mixed feelings, but I guess it's still a good thing.
The story behind me only sleeping two hours was because I had to work on my final semester project. The art of procrastination sometimes plays well. I didn't deliberately procrastinate, I had midterms and assignments, leaving me 2 days to work on a huge project (although I had all the designs and stuff). I didn't have much time, considering I need to make a magazine and a model. The write up of the 12 pages essay took me quite some while...
I thought this would be a fun project, since the professor wanted our creativity, I boldly proposed to her my idea of treating this as a design project. She said sure. I was so excited! Like very excited. Ideas kept popping up in my mind, thoughts were just spewing in my brain back and forth. When it came to designing my own personal leadership paradigm, wow! Ideas came naturally, one after another. The original inspiration of a classic perfume bottle didn't work too well, so I modified it, and there it goes, my perfume bottle inspired leadership paradigm model.
Really enjoyed the process of cutting out paper and boards, drawing lines and all that...totally was in a different world. Didn't even bothered to do other stuff - super concentrated. The next day I started on writing the 12 page essay, surprisingly, I finished in a little more than 6 hours. Maybe I knew I had a magazine to work on during the night, I was still a little awake when I was heading home with AF from Robarts past 12.
Sitting there at home working on the layout...I did not stop. Finished dinner at 1ish and started on the project. Charging through, I had no pause in between. I worked until 8am when my weary body was exhausted and needed a nap (I was super sick too). Normally my naps take forever, but this time I woke up in 2 hours and continued with the final editing and adding additional sections to the magazine.
Rushed to FedEx to get it printed, rushed home to start on my presentation slides...didn't have time to write a script and I then ran to class. Surprisingly, the presentation was like a bliss (though I probably would have done better if I prepped for it). I enjoyed sharing my design in class and seeing people be inspired by my leadership model. Different from many, but that's essentially how I viewed leadership.
I felt a little down afterwards when I was walking home with ML. Not just because my last presentation and essay in undergrad ended, but for the fact that I realized what I love to do. I'm sure you all have a time when you can just work and work and work because you love what you are doing. Same for me. Knowing that my body will crash because I didn't sleep the night before, I still did it. It felt amazing.
It feels a little late to go peruse what I love now...but I do pray to have this passion in me while serving God :)
The story behind me only sleeping two hours was because I had to work on my final semester project. The art of procrastination sometimes plays well. I didn't deliberately procrastinate, I had midterms and assignments, leaving me 2 days to work on a huge project (although I had all the designs and stuff). I didn't have much time, considering I need to make a magazine and a model. The write up of the 12 pages essay took me quite some while...
I thought this would be a fun project, since the professor wanted our creativity, I boldly proposed to her my idea of treating this as a design project. She said sure. I was so excited! Like very excited. Ideas kept popping up in my mind, thoughts were just spewing in my brain back and forth. When it came to designing my own personal leadership paradigm, wow! Ideas came naturally, one after another. The original inspiration of a classic perfume bottle didn't work too well, so I modified it, and there it goes, my perfume bottle inspired leadership paradigm model.
Really enjoyed the process of cutting out paper and boards, drawing lines and all that...totally was in a different world. Didn't even bothered to do other stuff - super concentrated. The next day I started on writing the 12 page essay, surprisingly, I finished in a little more than 6 hours. Maybe I knew I had a magazine to work on during the night, I was still a little awake when I was heading home with AF from Robarts past 12.
Sitting there at home working on the layout...I did not stop. Finished dinner at 1ish and started on the project. Charging through, I had no pause in between. I worked until 8am when my weary body was exhausted and needed a nap (I was super sick too). Normally my naps take forever, but this time I woke up in 2 hours and continued with the final editing and adding additional sections to the magazine.
Rushed to FedEx to get it printed, rushed home to start on my presentation slides...didn't have time to write a script and I then ran to class. Surprisingly, the presentation was like a bliss (though I probably would have done better if I prepped for it). I enjoyed sharing my design in class and seeing people be inspired by my leadership model. Different from many, but that's essentially how I viewed leadership.
I felt a little down afterwards when I was walking home with ML. Not just because my last presentation and essay in undergrad ended, but for the fact that I realized what I love to do. I'm sure you all have a time when you can just work and work and work because you love what you are doing. Same for me. Knowing that my body will crash because I didn't sleep the night before, I still did it. It felt amazing.
It feels a little late to go peruse what I love now...but I do pray to have this passion in me while serving God :)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
In My Little World, God Showed Me...
Had a wonderful afternoon chatting with MN :D Hehe, thank you for listening to me! :)
Don't even know how long we've actually spent talking to each other, it's wonderful because at times where I thought I could share to no one, you took the time out to hear me out. Our chat reminded me of a lot of things, a lot of values I've held on in the beginning of this year. This school year serving the fellowship had got me caught in many other things, it's like a car without a windshield wiper on a stormy day. I lost my focus, and even for myself, I forgot about the things I've said.
I've always hoped to be vulnerable to people, to share with them. I didn't want sharing becoming another pity party, but a time where we can all just be vulnerable and comfortable with one another to share about our struggles. It may be true that no one can actually help, but we have one another to pray or to pray with each other - I forgot all this...
This past month, I literally pushed away everyone who would potentially care (haha...there was a point where I felt no one cares about me at all). I didn't want people to worry, so I would put on a smile every time I'm out and think that "I can fool them all." For the ones that were not close with me, yes, a confirmation of "I'm okay" perfectly did it's job right. For those who knows me, I'm pretty sure I worried them a lot more. Hereby I apologize to you all :)
I was stuck in my own little world, but God showed me the same exactly vision He placed in my heart a year ago through this wonderful sister's words. Thank you Lord! It was amazing to be reminded in this very special way :)
Don't even know how long we've actually spent talking to each other, it's wonderful because at times where I thought I could share to no one, you took the time out to hear me out. Our chat reminded me of a lot of things, a lot of values I've held on in the beginning of this year. This school year serving the fellowship had got me caught in many other things, it's like a car without a windshield wiper on a stormy day. I lost my focus, and even for myself, I forgot about the things I've said.
I've always hoped to be vulnerable to people, to share with them. I didn't want sharing becoming another pity party, but a time where we can all just be vulnerable and comfortable with one another to share about our struggles. It may be true that no one can actually help, but we have one another to pray or to pray with each other - I forgot all this...
This past month, I literally pushed away everyone who would potentially care (haha...there was a point where I felt no one cares about me at all). I didn't want people to worry, so I would put on a smile every time I'm out and think that "I can fool them all." For the ones that were not close with me, yes, a confirmation of "I'm okay" perfectly did it's job right. For those who knows me, I'm pretty sure I worried them a lot more. Hereby I apologize to you all :)
I was stuck in my own little world, but God showed me the same exactly vision He placed in my heart a year ago through this wonderful sister's words. Thank you Lord! It was amazing to be reminded in this very special way :)
Not By My Own Efforts
In an email she said:
Loving a friend into His Kingdom is not easy. I get impatient, especially at times where my mind has wandered off. At the same time, there is so much joy in knowing that they see the love you have towards them :)
A little sharing, this friend is a non-believer. She shared a little with me and when I asked her "can I pray for you," she said yes :D - last time I was too afraid to ask. She didn't know exactly what prayer was, and so we had a chat about it. Definitely have to say, it was a really rewarding chat, cause back to basics, I had to rephrase things that I know for her to understand. Questions, she asked me a lot of questions! :) I loved it! :D
Sometimes, I feel like sharing with her gives me a lot of comfort. She might not be a person to pray with me (well...I don't have anyone to pray with me on a regular basis anyway), but she listens and doesn't judge me as if I'm not doing something properly. I'm really blessed to have a friend like her.
I was once again reminded of compassion. God has been showing where I can use this gift He has giving me, but I seem to not see the need to use it wisely enough. This time, compassion just flowed right through by God's grace, especially when I did not feel like doing so at all. Praise Him! Once again, not by my own efforts :)
Wow! A little overwhelmed! Maybe not just a little, but very? :P"Thank you for always being there for me when I'm freaking out, happy, worried, it means a lot for me to have a friend like you! :)"
Loving a friend into His Kingdom is not easy. I get impatient, especially at times where my mind has wandered off. At the same time, there is so much joy in knowing that they see the love you have towards them :)
A little sharing, this friend is a non-believer. She shared a little with me and when I asked her "can I pray for you," she said yes :D - last time I was too afraid to ask. She didn't know exactly what prayer was, and so we had a chat about it. Definitely have to say, it was a really rewarding chat, cause back to basics, I had to rephrase things that I know for her to understand. Questions, she asked me a lot of questions! :) I loved it! :D
Sometimes, I feel like sharing with her gives me a lot of comfort. She might not be a person to pray with me (well...I don't have anyone to pray with me on a regular basis anyway), but she listens and doesn't judge me as if I'm not doing something properly. I'm really blessed to have a friend like her.
I was once again reminded of compassion. God has been showing where I can use this gift He has giving me, but I seem to not see the need to use it wisely enough. This time, compassion just flowed right through by God's grace, especially when I did not feel like doing so at all. Praise Him! Once again, not by my own efforts :)
Friday, March 23, 2012
Insecurity: Body Image
Again tonight, I'm battling again with the feeling of insecurity.
That day I forwarded a devo to a lovely sister about insecurity, it spoke to me and thus I sent it off to her so that she may be blessed by it too. Maybe that day it spoke to me, but it did not speak to my heart.
Today, I went back and read it again and this is what I was finding:
Ever since I am conscious of my being, I've always try to make meaning of where exact I fit in this world. Truth is, I've still have not found it.
I struggle a lot with body image. Ever since I was a child, doing ballet has shaped my idea of "normal." Not to mention swimming later on. As a swimmer, many of us were cautious of our bodies. We needed to keep ourselves thin so that we are streamlined with the water. Doesn't make sense? How about I'll tell you that during competitions, our swimsuits not only was paper thin, but we wear them one size smaller. We were proud of being able to fit into a 34 instead of a 36. If someone has to wear a 38, oh wells, they'd had a hard time fitting in.
I was so intense back then. Naturally, I'm built with broad shoulders and being a breaststroke swimming, that didn't help much. My bones are actually dense and heavy too. There was a period of time where I would starve myself just to not be heavier. I've gained muscles, I've grew taller, but my weight never changed - quite scary eh? Up until a point, I was wearing a long sleeves track suit, and I still felt cold under the sun in HK when it was 25+ degrees Celsius (and athletes have really high metabolism already).
Still now, I still consider myself fat. I know I have no belly, and yes...I don't. Maybe a lot of girls are jealous of it, but I won't be. It's a sign of me still battling this insecurity of body image every day. Sometimes, things only have to be said once and it will stick for life. Some people say: "tell a girl that she's pretty everyday, she may still not believe you. But if you tell her that she is ugly once, it will ruin her life." I understand that completely. My coach told me once, just once...that I am fat and it's been years and I still can't get it out.
I'm thankful though :) While walking home, I felt a sense of peace. Why? Cause maybe this time it didn't hit me just in my brain, it started to hit my heart. It's painful I'd have to say. I don't think I'll ever forget, and this will continue to be my battle. For one thing I know though, is that every time something like this happens, going back to God is the best thing to do. Putting Him first, even in struggles. I'm learning...and will continue to learn.
That day I forwarded a devo to a lovely sister about insecurity, it spoke to me and thus I sent it off to her so that she may be blessed by it too. Maybe that day it spoke to me, but it did not speak to my heart.
Today, I went back and read it again and this is what I was finding:
"Believing the truth about where you are in Christ destroys feelings of insecurity."It's funny, because I've been meaning to type a post on my insecurities this afternoon, but I was not vulnerable enough to do so. I was pushing my feelings aside and just let it slide and slip pass me. Until this evening, when the word "fat" popped up, my world was literally turned upside down, and I felt like shaken. As weird as this metaphor sounds, it felt like I was a garbage bin, and sometimes you know when you are lazy, you turn your garbage bin upside down, shake everything out and reuse the bag. I felt like that just now. While walking home alone (thank you for God protecting me ;) I was so scared), tears were streaming down, yet I felt peaceful and that God was healing me.
Ever since I am conscious of my being, I've always try to make meaning of where exact I fit in this world. Truth is, I've still have not found it.
I struggle a lot with body image. Ever since I was a child, doing ballet has shaped my idea of "normal." Not to mention swimming later on. As a swimmer, many of us were cautious of our bodies. We needed to keep ourselves thin so that we are streamlined with the water. Doesn't make sense? How about I'll tell you that during competitions, our swimsuits not only was paper thin, but we wear them one size smaller. We were proud of being able to fit into a 34 instead of a 36. If someone has to wear a 38, oh wells, they'd had a hard time fitting in.
I was so intense back then. Naturally, I'm built with broad shoulders and being a breaststroke swimming, that didn't help much. My bones are actually dense and heavy too. There was a period of time where I would starve myself just to not be heavier. I've gained muscles, I've grew taller, but my weight never changed - quite scary eh? Up until a point, I was wearing a long sleeves track suit, and I still felt cold under the sun in HK when it was 25+ degrees Celsius (and athletes have really high metabolism already).
Still now, I still consider myself fat. I know I have no belly, and yes...I don't. Maybe a lot of girls are jealous of it, but I won't be. It's a sign of me still battling this insecurity of body image every day. Sometimes, things only have to be said once and it will stick for life. Some people say: "tell a girl that she's pretty everyday, she may still not believe you. But if you tell her that she is ugly once, it will ruin her life." I understand that completely. My coach told me once, just once...that I am fat and it's been years and I still can't get it out.
I'm thankful though :) While walking home, I felt a sense of peace. Why? Cause maybe this time it didn't hit me just in my brain, it started to hit my heart. It's painful I'd have to say. I don't think I'll ever forget, and this will continue to be my battle. For one thing I know though, is that every time something like this happens, going back to God is the best thing to do. Putting Him first, even in struggles. I'm learning...and will continue to learn.
"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30[Sorry I was a little sensitive, it really is a sensitive thing for me. I don't blame people who don't know, and this post isn't a post to upset people, it's just my own learning process...to find my identity in Him :) It's also a sharing to those who actually read this, so that you may know me better :D]
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