Untiltled - April 26th

This was from a devotional I read lately, and would love to share it:

"Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for you to let go of your pain and trust Him. And you really can. No one loves you like He does. You may not always understand or even like His process, but you can always trust His heart of love for you."

There's so much I've been learning, whether it's about myself or about God...this pruning process is painful, but I'd trust in God's plan.

Reconciliation is not easy. But I'm learning so much by going through every little tiny bit and letting God take care of the hurt and pain :)

A while ago, I asked God to used the 2 weeks I was free from exams (yes...I had 15 days between my first and last exam) to let me reconcile with my past, things that have been coming back now and then, hindering me to seeking Him. It's been painful but a rewarding process. Little by little, I'm becoming honest with myself in how I feel emotionally, and ask God to take care of them one by one.

Today after exams, AF and I went to watch a movie. I thought it was a light movie, it turned out not...in the very end, tears were streaming down my face. The movie reminded me why I'm so scared of saying goodbyes to people, or maybe even goodbyes that were never said. Some people wonder why I'm so spontaneous at times, and would rather choose to live in the moment than to plan my way too far ahead. The reason is...when there is unexpected death of someone that you were close with, sometimes you can just suck it up. I saw my flute teacher on a Friday, and on Monday...the news I heard was that he was dead. Shocking to me, I was like ant frantically finding a way out when people pour water on their dens. Exam was in a month...didn't even started practicing with my accompanist...it was disastrous.

This not only left a mark in my life, but it shaped how I viewed "goodbyes." I know it's almost that time of the year again where many goodbyes will be said...and who knows when will the next time be before I see those individuals? The good thing is that I've learned to treasure every moment I spend with people :) at least the conversation we had will not become a regret.

One thing that really comforts me is that...God is in control.

Progress in Support Raising

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Faith and trust.

I wrote this verse to a dear sister when I was trying to encourage her to study for exams, yet today it was right where I needed it. Lately I've been struggling with support raising, not much of the asking part, but the mentality of how to ask people to partake in building His Kingdom. Through fund raising, I know that what I really want to do is to inspire others to in different ways be a follower of Christ and to advance the Gospel, whether it is through evangelizing, loving those around them daily, or to serve the community and to inspire others to go out.

It seems like support raising is going no where, slightly stressful I have to say...but I'll continue to pray and seek God. I first need to be refined before anything else. As I pray, I'll first be praying that I can abide in Him :)

*Pinch*

Before sleeping last night, I was making a mental list. Not a mental list for shopping, but a mental list of blessings. Going through the day, I stopped...and my mind just brought me to many wonderful places that stored those memories.

This is another of those posts that I'm dedicating it to a certain person (you'll know who as you read on :))...and based on the title itself? :P

The first time we actually talked was on the trip back from wonderland in first year after exams...I remember I was so dizzy and was having motion sickness (the car ride was even more intense than the rides lol) yet we were able to carry a conversation :P . We sat together at the dinner table and just talked.

I also remember all those emails you sent me to keep me in check during the summer of 2009 when I went back to Hong Kong. I apologize for ignoring most of them, or replying super late :P Just to let you know, I enjoyed reading :) You were the only person in Toronto that kept me in check and I'm so thankful for that.

Second year...there is a truck load of memories. I am still amazed by the nights you would sleep over at my place, and the two of us would fit on a single bed :P My tiny room, studying and chatting at the dining table...definitely there are many more :)

Third year...wow...even more (what's larger than a truck?). You are such a great sister in Christ. Living with you definitely was a great springboard for me to grow. People say friends are like mirrors, and I would with no doubt say that you are one. Sharing, praying, small notes on the table...talks, late night walks to McDs, spontaneous grocery shopping at 2 in the morning...I've learned a lot from you, and for sure without doubt, with you too :) I learned so much more about you throughout the whole year, got to realize, as much as we are similar in the ways we think, we express it so differently. And of course, I learned so much about myself.

Forth year...I missed you! I definitely had! This year was tough without being able to share the tiny bit of things with you. I no longer ranted freely about anything, even knowing that you are the least likely to judge me out of everyone (cause you probably know me better than a lot of people). At winter retreat, when I hugged you and said I missed you, it was such a relief.

You might not have realized how much you influence people lives, and I can honestly tell you that you have made an enormous impact in mine. "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17. You were a piece of iron to me, at times it was painful, but without the sharpening how would we grow? :P *Pinch face* Thanks for always being there for me (the laughter, the tears, and the default face), keeping me accountable, and to share your life with me :) You are such a blessing in my life :D

"But God Speaks Through You..."

Had the most interesting conversation with my friend JR just now, and I really want to share a tiny fraction of it.

Out of no where, I texted my friend that I haven't seen for a while. Surprisingly, she replied in the middle of the night and it woke me up. I woke up and started talking to her through text, trying to get to know how her life is. I got tired of typing and suggested to meet up. Really couldn't expect a yes because I suggested to meet 8 hours later. Out of my expectation, she said yes.

Tried to sleep that night after deciding to meet up, and knowing that there was a prayer meeting in the morning...I still couldn't. I was awake trying to put things together into pieces.

To be honest, I was so scared that I would not recognize her because it's been almost a year? I'm quite terrible at keeping in contact, and this is an example of that...I was a little anxious of that and because I know that she no longer believes in God, all I did was to pray and anticipating the most awkward catch up. We were so close in high school, and I guess most of us are close to the point where we can just say whatever on our mind, not having to be afraid to offend each other :) The moment she saw me, she was super excited. Having only 2 hours of sleep and rushing over, I was a little thrown off the cliff and didn't know how to react, because time seemed to have just rewinded back to the high school days.

We had a wonderful catch up, discussion on God and science. And really praise God! I got to share the Gospel with her :) Definitely have to continue to pray for her, and I'm so grateful just to be able to invite her to explore Christianity together.

The title of this blog is "but God speaks through you..." you might wonder why I used this as a title as it seems to have no relations at all. Believe it or not, these were the words that my friend said to me in the middle of a discussion. At that moment when she was talking, I was praying cause I didn't have the words to say anymore, and my brain was completely scattered...the next moment...that was what I heard. I don't know why exactly she had that in mind, but I was so pretty amazed. Thus I boldly continue on.

As I shared to a sister right after in a busy plaza, this conversation was hard to carry, it was nowhere easy because of the circumstances, but praise God for His work (definitely not mine at all) and allowing me to witness Him softening her heart through the conversation :)

[I apologize for a not so coherent post...quite tired :P]

Reconnect?

Stop for a moment. 30 seconds maybe?

Take another 30 seconds to think of the certain individuals that you haven't seen for a long time, friends that you used to be so close with...when was the last time you saw them?

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Where there a lot? Or at least a couple? 

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It has come to my realization that I've lost so many ties with people in these past 4 years. People in high school, friends from res, commerce friends, DECA friends, debate friends...the list goes on.

The group that I treasured the most was my high school friends. It was so nice to have them around through the hardest times. Spending our last year together at lunch everyday, walking home from school, same group for projects, deciding on which uni to go to, prom...etc. It was fun, and I definitely had so much fun after being in the darkest pit in my grade 11 year.

Obviously, our group not only had us girls, but also a few more guys from fellowship. Steven always drove, so a few of us who had more time would always go out for dinners, or randomly chill after school. His 1996 Honda Accord helped created so many of those memories, the good ones (can't really come up with bad ones). Johnny's burger, sushi, late night hang out at Sally's...

Even when Steven and I started dating in first year, we would always hang out with Sally and Judy, cause Steven and Sally would come out from Laurier/Waterloo often enough. Judy and I hung out very frequently in first year as we had a lot of time on campus.

Things changed along the way...

Judy cut off all her contacts and disappeared (it was the scariest thing for me), and of course...Steven and I broke up. And at the same time, we all started getting busy at school, weekly emails became bi-monthly, then became monthly...

The break up was bad enough on it's own, and because we didn't really tell our group of friends that we were going out in the first place, everything just shattered as we lost contact with Judy.

Maybe I was really frustrated back then, and that I craved (and still do) for attachment with people, I asked why do we no longer meet up as a group of friends whenever we can. Slowly I drifted away, and justified my actions by thinking that I have a community in university already.

Later on, at times where I see things that knocks at this chest of treasures I have...it's the most painful thing. I still remember seeing Steven at Frosh ConnecXion 2010...he was the MC for the night (which I was utterly surprised to see him there)...I think that moment flooded my brain with memories of high school, and thus I volunteered to go wash utensils from the barbeque. At that moment, I knew that I forgave him, and all I wanted was this group of friends once again. (I really wish we can talk again...maybe face to face...) This group of girls, and the few guys were all the people who were there walking with me, when I knew nothing. The stories and memories we share are so precious...no other friends can really replace them.

Just today...I found out that the girls will be having a meetup next week...which I would not be able to attend :( I wasn't invited, and a sense of bitterness with no doubt filled my heart (along with other things). I became resentful, because many of them did not reply my emails or facebook messages when I was trying to reach out to them this past year...thoughts mounting...

Suddenly at a break of moment, I realized one thing. I love these girls more than I can really be angry with them. I was upset because I valued them so much. Then I started a conversation with the person I was texting, and we decided to meet up tomorrow (since I won't be able to go to the gathering) ...cause I'm spontaneous! :P If you happen to see this before lunch, please pray for our conversation. She drifted away from God these past few years, and I just really hope to have an edifying conversation with her :)

I'm thankful that I have this chance to reconnect :) Starting from small, one step at a time.

An 800 Meter Long Course

I feel like I am in the middle of a set of 8-800 Meter training.

Not sure of how many of you swim, and maybe it's hard to explain how an 800 meter feels like, because it is definitely different than a track race. The longer track distances are like 5000m, while in swimming, the longest usually in normal competitions is 1500m. So an 800 definitely is a one of the longer distances you get, and not every stroke offers that. Sadly only freestyle has this distance event in competitions.

To master an 800 is not easy. It requires a built of momentum. Unlike a 200 track, where you can sprint it through, a 200 for swimming already requires pacing - counting your strokes, stretching forms, fine tune of turnings, etc. The first 200 is a breeze in the 800, once you get to the 3rd and 4th laps, ha! You start to get tired. Your arms seems like they are flailing around because you've might have been sprinting...and you are starting to lose your form. That's the moment where you want to give up the most, because your heart is starting to feel overloaded, your lungs no longer seem to be able to sustain itself with a 3 arm stroke breathing (this is better for balance...). You then revert yourself to a breath/2 arm stroke, and once that happens, you find out you are like a worm wobbling in the water, or a fish being taken out of the water and flapping around on the deck. And not to mention the turns...who wants to do a proper turn when they can just touch and bounce off the wall?

The amazing things is...

If you stick in there for another 50meters, everything is going to change. During your 450-500m, your body picks up the momentum. Your heart doesn't feel as overloaded, your lungs don't seem to be a let loose balloon, and your body seems to gain back some control. "1...2...3...1...2...3..." The next thing you know is...you are speeding up, and your body is gliding through the water for the rest of the 800m.

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This is exactly what I feel like my spiritual life is like lately. I'm right at the point of 300-400m. I don't know why I've had the courage/decision to reconcile with the past, all I know is...once I started this "training," I'm not going to stop. I don't feel any built up of momentum yet, I feel like I'm lost in the waters, but I know it'll soon be okay.

Opening up those dusty boxes that I've never dared to touch is the first step. I want to once in for all deal with them, just dump the trash away and move on. Yet this time I've learned, I'm smarter...the previous trainings have definitely allowed me to build an endurance for easier recovery of the body's fatigue. This time I'm not going to rely on anyone to help me, but just to set it right with God. (Knowing that...I don't really like to listen to people lecturing me anyway)...

Learning to trust in Him...through this for His glory :)

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus"
1Thessalonians 5:16-18

Missionfest Toronto 2012

Deciding to go was very spontaneous, I'm glad I went! :)

Yesterday night, CL messaged me on gmail asking if I was interested. I kind of wanted to go but couldn't find a legit reason when I'm sick already, I thought that maybe resting was more important. Later I knew that I need to get to Scarborough at 9a.m. to make it for the women's program. I hesitated...it required me to wake up rather early. So I ended up telling CL that I'll see if I wake up in the morning to join.

Out of nowhere, I actually woke up on my first alarm at 630, but then drifted back into sleep. Woke up and then lazed around for a bit before I showered and get ready. During that time, I was asking myself: Why are you going? Prayed a little and asked God to open up my eyes as He shows me why I'm going there.

Surprisingly, the program was really good. The testimony and the speaker was amazing. Powerful indeed. And the things that the speaker talked about actually spoke to me. She took the things that we think we know and put it in a different light. One thing I really want to share is that she had this model thing about transformation. She explained that before God transforms us, He always prepares us. During the time of preparation is like pruning, it might hurt, but that's how we are prepared. This was a great reminder of what attitude we should be holding onto.

We then went to a seminar talking about evangelism in countries and nations that are full of persecution. Throughout the seminar, looking at the stats and stuff, what popped up in my mind was not exactly the countries the speaker was talking about, but more so - North America and Europe. The place that we are exactly living in...actually needs the Gospel. Many people say that in the past people send missionaries to China, to Africa and other nations that don't know the Gospel, and now it's about time the reverse is happening. I don't know about you, but when I meditate on this fact, it bothers me. While the speaker was talking about his own experiences, I began to wonder why the developed countries are so indifferent. Something for me to ponder on...

Overall, it was a good trip going uptown :) A lot of reflections...journal time :D

Mission Trip Sharing Night

Don't know what to write about it :P Lately I'm a little tired/lazy of telling people how I feel. Ask me personally / in person if you want to know :P I think I prefer that a lot more, cause typing a blog and not knowing who's reading it...is a very passive form of communication :( that's why I'm a little bleh about typing lately.

[might update this later]

One thing I just want to say is that, this sharing night pushed me even further in reflecting about the trip and what God is/has been teaching me.

You Then Realize How Tiny You Are...

Lately I've been on the journey of learning what it means to surrender. Whether it is through lent (optional sacrifice), or through other means, I've learned quite a lot. Today, God just allowed me to realize another thing of discipline itself.

I always knew rest is a discipline, and I always tell others to rest too. However for myself, it's very hard. Sometimes I don't rest because I feel a strong urge that by staying up late will grant me a few more hours, and that gives me some sort of control. So as you would know the story, I stayed up late, pull so many half-all-nighters this past month to the point where my body starts choking up on me. Been sick on and off for the past few weeks. Worse of all is that I don't really care...as long as I am able to get stuff done, and am able to exert this some sort of control.

Well oh well...after "surprising" a friend for their birthday yesterday night, somehow the cold came back. My bones were burning and aching to a point I'd say...it's not a good idea to get off bed. Yet this morning there was another surprise that I've said I'd go...slept for 3 hours...looked at the clock. My body isn't quite listening to me...can't get off bed - worse feeling ever. In my mind the only thing was running through was: why now?

Was a little upset lying in bed with aching and pain, I realized at that point of how tiny I am. For the past month, I've been trying to find a grip to the future, try to find a way to control how much time I have left to spend with people I treasure. I've leaned on myself for this whole journey. To me it was as if God was there, but you know..."God, wait quietly in the corner, and I'll attend to you asap." I still felt restless at times where I do 2 hours of devos a day. I was reading, but I wasn't resting.

All along, I've thought that in all this, trusting God, having faith will be fine. I tried so hard, and may I say, I've tried TOO hard to trust in God. I "trust" Him, but in reality it was a really forceful kind of trust. It's like doing a paper on a subject you hate the most, you try to brainwash yourself that you like that subject. And in the end...you can't deny the fact that you don't like it at all. This past month I've been trying hard to find ways, external ways, to make myself believe that God is in control, but deep down I was not convinced or felt that He was here (more like I was choosing to run away because I wanted some sort of control to myself).

While lying there this morning before I drifted back into sleep, one word was printed in my mind - SURRENDER Aha! There you go. I never did fully surrender everything of myself after winter retreat after praying about it, I did not actively live out what I've learned / experienced. For the longest time I was asking God to reveal Himself, yet I forgot to quiet down and listen to Him. There He was reminding me to surrender while I was incapable to get off the bed. There are important things I wanted to do, i.e. spend time with my friends during birthdays, unity praise night, these are all important things. However, none are as important as spending time with Him.

Praise Him! Sitting here...shutting off everything of the world is giving me a great sense of peace. I'm overwhelmed by this peace that I've been longing for.

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While I was typing this, I clicked to "Still" on my itunes, cause one of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10...every bit of the lyrics spoke to me :) (I listen to a lot of music...and it affects me - for good and for bad)

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

I'm going to end off with the Psalm 46:10 from NASB because I like the word choice more...the phrase "cease striving" sticks out.

“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10 (NASB)

"Start From God's Love..."

[Still in the process of typing a few posts from before...but I can't refrain myself from typing this one first]

Just an hour ago, I was texting JH, somehow we got to a conversation where I said "I'm different lol but actually, in the process of striving to be different, everyone is still the same...cause everyone is striving to be different...which is the same..." I said those exact words in my text. Out of frustration towards myself...I've been doubting a lot lately. I am so faithless in comparison to our faithful God.

This afternoon when I was talking to my roommate EW, I was telling her that someone mentioned to me that I don't talk about my dad. As EW knows a lot more of my family than any other people around me, she understood, and so the conversation went on. Through that conversation, I've realized how deeply my identity is rooted in the words that my dad once said to me (even if it's a simple casual phrase of - "you're fat" or "you've lost? only losers lose a simple competition like this.").

Doubting myself and doubting the future has lead to having a smile on my face when with people, yet tears strolling down my face when I'm left alone. It's been tiring. I've been trying so hard, so hard to exert this facade in front of people...and more so, in front of God. In prayers, I would tell God it's okay, I'll trust You, yet deep down inside, all I know is that I'm so broken, and I don't (or I can't) mean what I say in my prayers. The vicious cycle goes on, I feel like a failure. Since that moment of defeat many years ago, I no longer could have been confident of who I am as a person. Yesterday, when I was studying for my exam, my attention floated away and I prayed to God and promised Him that I will try to reconcile with myself...after this employment law exam. (Well...possible Friday?) I was just so tired...spiritually and mentally. Flooding myself with worship songs was the only thing I could have done to keep me going.

So after the conversations today with people, I fell into this loop of insecurity about the future...back again...there I went, straight into the deep well I've dug for myself. That well...contains everything...things that are good and bad. And lately, because the water is very very stagnant, all I could see was black dirty stuff even if there was the Sun. Wandering away, I was on tumblr and was on AW's page...and I saw - "the sacrifice of calling." [It's linked, roll over the brackets :)]

In the conversation with JH, I also mentioned that I don't know how am I suppose to utilize my spiritual gifts. The 4 of them...seems so far apart. But then the video spoke to me. Not just trying to find your calling part. The part that exactly hit me was when he said "start from God's love." Isn't that what we've been trying to discover in CCF this year? Wasn't that exactly what us committee was trying to inspire people to do through "Gospel Driven Identity?" (believe it or not...I was flipping through the framework 2 days ago while cleaning up).

I was reminded once again. How much I need Him, and how abundant is His love for me.

Bookends

This post is for you SW! We started undergrad together on the first day at our first class, and we ended these 4 years still together, in the same class. You literally were the person that bookend-ed my 4 years with me. Still remember how we met? - Something that I'll never forget for life :P I really don't know why you had the courage to come up to me like that!

What you said to me last night at Amanda's class opened a chamber of reflection. I don't think I've publicly typed anything in this matter before...let's see how this goes :)

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Many people as me why we can be friends, the only thing I could of said is - we appreciate each other for the good and the bad. Out of these 4 years, I'd have to say, our friendship (out of many others) had many ups and downs, yet because of those, they allowed us to get to understand each other on a deeper level. That's what matters :D Thank you for allowing me knowing the other side of you, for that side isn't observed or known by too many :) Thinking back of these years, the only things I really do remember were those that we went through stuff together. Honest talks, frosh week (dessert mixer in particular :P), grad dinner...

I just really want you to know, I really appreciate having you as a sister and a friend :) Fellow companion in many things (group projects, event planning, and many more to come this summer). And just so you know, when you need us, we girls are and will always be there! :D You are such a blessing from God <3

Faithful One

Thank you JH! :D I'm so grateful to have a sister/friend like you. Completely broke down...maybe as you said, it's a lot better that I let it all out than when it's to the point I explode.

It's funny how God answered my prayer at that moment. I was so stressed out, was tearing up in the library, and texting at the same time. I was praying to God asking for someone to pray with me, to calm me down, and just to reel me back in...

Then I receive a phone call, on the other end, the voice said "I'm in G caf."

I rushed down...trying to hold in my tears...but I just collapsed. This past month, everything in this past month came out. All the frustrations, all the confusions, all the...literally everything. Couldn't stop crying, and JH, you just let me be who I was and to be completely true to my feelings. I praise God for you <3 God has definitely blessed me with you this year. I still remember the first time we met, you prayed with me.

Took me so long just to stop my tears and your prayer was just...the dam collapsed again :P The prayer reminded me so much of the song that I've been looping lately...

Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you're my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone

I'm in so much joy just to be able to share with you God's faithfulness. The "little things" that God has showed us both individually allows us to bear witness to His greatness. (Can't really share them here to other people :( but God is good!)

I really can't wait to see what God has in stored. I'm nervous...I'm emotional about it, but I guess it'll be alright :D You reminded me to find peace in Him, to trust in Him, and just let go and let God!

I Flipped to This During Church Today

Been so bogged down by the f-word lately (...don't think too much, I meant the word - future).

At Church during worship, the song Faithful One was ringing in my ears.

Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you?re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
you lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone

Sat down and couldn't resist but to flip back to what I was reading yesterday - Psalm 139

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
  Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
  For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
  How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
  O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
  Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139

The last part of this Psalm hit me: "Search me, O God, and know my heart;  Try me and know my anxious thoughts;  And see if there be any hurtful way in me,  And lead me in the everlasting way."

Lead me in the everlasting way. Seeking what's lying ahead...yet the most important thing is to first seek Him. 

Lunch on a Sunday...

Went to TCBC today. Felt like it is a good time to come back, after these past few months, I've experienced a lot. Deep down inside, there's so many things that are going on.

It felt a little awkward coming back when people said, "Oh! You are here, how come?" or something like, "Why are you here?" Why can't I? :P (but let's not go there...) It felt a little weird in general, can't really describe the vibe, but there was a vibe of some sort...

I got to catch up with auntie Alicia over lunch, was really good :) I got to ask her things and just to share about my life in these past few months. In the very beginning, I didn't know why she sent me an email asking me why I was leaving, but now, I really appreciate it. She checked up on me, personally asking me before she made any assumptions whatsoever.  Just like for many people, I'd rather people ask me why I'm doing what I'm doing in person than to "induce" reasons. She said to me "people who care will know, and they will ask."

Haven't felt this way in a long time...she supported me in whatever my decision was. She encouraged me to continue with the things I'm working on, in the things that I am convicted that is glorifying God. It felt like talking to a friend, that's been there, done it...etc. In a way, I could share with her my struggles, and things that I'm excited, and she'll be excited for/with me :) It was refreshing talking to her about many things. Maybe I needed that affirmation, that support from someone that cares. Sharing about missions, wow...almost anything that we could cover in an hour.

Before she had to pick up her children, we prayed. We spent a moment in prayer. *tears*

I wished I had a peer to share and to pray like that (a prayer that I'm still praying everyday).