Taking a Break

I'm taking a break from writing here...

Maybe one day I'll start again. Until then. God Bless.

Misconception

Two retreats...and people tell me the same thing - you are knowledgeable.

"You are knowledgeable, so......"
"Your questions have helped me think..."
"You must have been holding back thoughts......"
"You have given so much insight to the passage during the manuscript studies......"
- The list goes on...

I think I need to clarify certain things - I am not knowledgeable.
Sadly to reveal, I didn't grow up in a Christian family. The Sunday school stories that most people know of, I don't know them. Or simply put, I only have a vague memories of them - I can give proof - we studied David and Goliath this past retreat, and I barely remembered the content from teaching it 2 summers ago in Sunday school.

Sometimes I wonder why am I even going into ministry work when I myself don't even hit the minimal of being knowledgeable. I hate to say, but I think people sometimes overestimate me, and it gives me tremendous pressure.

I love manuscript study because I love studying the word in it's rawest form, so that in a real manuscript study, everyone comes to the table with no knowledge (except the facilitator). The info that can be brought up from is from prior passages and that it in no way isolates people. I love it because non-Christians or people who don't know the Bible well can interact as much as a person who is an expert in the Word. I love the journey of discussion and discovery throughout and from the context of the passage. I ask questions that are fundamental, because I believe that there is no such questions as stupid questions in a manuscript study. Simply asking: What is sin? Is more than powerful and thought provoking than other "intellectual" questions. 

It may be true that doing Bible studies are God's gift to me, but isn't it just like any other gifts? If my gift is teaching, neither shall it be different from someone's gift as musical worship, nor should the person gifted in prayer feel different. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good at anything or have nothing to offer when most of my close friends are so talented in music. I feel like I am of no use to the body of Christ. My self esteem just go straight down and I feel worthless because I'm just not musically trained or simply - I'm not talented. So may I just simply say something...to all those who care enough that will read this, please spare me of this misconception of me being knowledgeable. It all is merely His work in me - that's my form of offering in His family as a body of Christ. Help me not to be prideful but to simply be thankful for the gifts and blessings that He's given me.

If there are many of you that are musical worship people out there, during worship, God uses you to bring others in tune into worship. Likewise, as a servant, God is only utilizing me as a facilitator to bring others in to worship during Bible studies. Nothing big, nothing different, but all for His glory ;)

Revisiting: State of Mind

Three years ago at winter retreat...
It was my very first time leading a small group. It was my very first time leading a Bible study. It was my very first time serving with a position as it give formality and responsibility.

That year I was lucky to be mentored by my mentor during winter retreat. It was amazing because we can spend our mentorship time going through the whole book of 1John although we only had to go through a little during retreat. I loved it. Studying the Word with her really inspired me to read the word more.

These days...I've been reading bits and pieces of 1John and realizing that as time passes, I have new realizations to the Scripture. How amazing it is to really be like so? We can't hold divinity in our grasp, but we can grasp a little and a little more of divinity through reading more of the Word.

This year for winter retreat, I finally have no obligations and can enjoy it all I want :) Father, I've been really tired and I'm looking forward to meeting you face to face in private and in public community.

It's been only three years, and You've brought me so far in my life. I would never have imagined my life to be like so back in the day. You are amazing! :') And I finally submitted my application today...one month! One month from now I'll know. I can't wait...and I'm very much really nervous! What if I get the invite? What if I don't get the invite? [my writeup was terrible :(]

(Okay...let's not get ahead of ourselves and worrying too much).

Your Faithfulness. Faithful One

Uncertainties.

That does not diminish the fact that You are faithful. For that God, Your steadfastness does not change in all circumstances.

Been revisiting these two songs lately. Not because I don't normally listen to them, but rather been looping them in excess :P

"I don't know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things?
I don't know what tomorrow holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness"

Likewise as other young adults, I make the same mistakes. Likewise as other young ladies, I get insecure. Likewise as other children of God, I need to come to God and repent daily (if not the moment I know that I've sinned).

It's really hard to write about our sinful natures, but I hope that this will be a testimony of some sort. A little snip bit of my life that I need to confess - yesterday I got so drunk, and it wasn't even funny at it's minimal. I set a really bad example for younger ones. I allowed myself to simply go wild, taking shots after shots which I'm not even used to. All I wanted was to seek liberation from something else, but not peace from God. I dragged my weary body to alcohol, and not God.

Today was a really hard day for me mentally and emotionally. While my body recovered the moment I woke up (...I'm surprised myself), my mind was not recovered. I felt that it was more damaged than it was before. I felt that I was mentally tired than even one drop of alcohol. Yet the Father was good, the moments I felt worthless and unworthy, He wrapped me in His arms. The moment where I fought against His embrace cause I felt again I have abused His grace, He reassured me with His love. As I'm typing this, I don't know what to feel, but all I know that tears are streaming down, because I know that being truthful with Him with all my burdens, HE HEALS!

Again and again, and once again I sought love from other things. However, the Lord draws me closer every time I fall. He takes me like a child, tell me and teaches me that what I did was wrong, but also promises me that He'll help me change as long as I allow Him to transform me.

Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you?re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
you lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone 

-----

I contemplated whether to post this for a while or not. But obviously I ended up posting it...because you're reading it. I hope this helps others to go back to God and find rest, instead of having the focus on me. I hope it encourages you in different ways, and assures that God is there with you - because He is despite of my brokenness (which will be left unshared here, but in private).

I worry that people will see me different, because I lost the act of composing myself as "goodie two shoes." It's okay - I tell myself, because this is who I am - I'm not perfect. For that, I find my worth in Him.

Mental Dumping: Public vs. Private

Can't believe it's February already!!! Time seems to have it's way of slipping through your fingers before you even have a conscious sense that it's passing by.

Anyhow. I haven't written for a long while. Not that I have the intention to write something inspiring, but I think that typing a blog puts any writer of some sort in a different perspective. The style of deliverance is quite different might I say from at least in comparison to my personal journaling.

These days I've been pondering on the idea of community. Community of a secular world sense may simply mean a group of people of the same interest gravitating together. How about the Christian concept of community? (I'm refraining to go back to Henri Nouwen...as of now).

Been thinking occasionally about "private vs. public" and how it relates to community. To be honest, I don't know what I'm trying to type here...don't even have a title for this post yet :P  Probably this is one of my mental dumps...ink just simply was spilled and it somehow formed letters and words HAHA. Okay. Back to my mental dumping. So you see...this randomness of writing is what you'll see in my journal - not like you'll ever get the chance to read it. Anyhow, this is the way I'd write in my journal, i.e. jumping back and forth, with no central theme, only to express my gratefulness or grumblings of life events. Prayers to God would also be seen in large proportions, but also intertwined throughout. The idea of it to me in journaling is to write what's exactly on your mind...allowing the words, the composition of sentences express your emotions as raw as it can be, and it creates this natural intimacy (and as you see...a lot of run on sentences too :P).

On the other hand, if I were to start typing a blog or even writing something for the public to see, the reader would sense formality. I would describe and explain so that it seems less of me talking to myself. Much effort will also be put in addressing certain things and relating things (though...it's really like free typing for me most of the time). Things are kept simple, details will be kept when I feel it's not necessary or edifying.

I'm still finding the line that draws a balance of public and private. And please someone enlighten me...how does community play a part in it? To what degree can brothers and sisters be completely open in confessing sins? If discernment or wisdom is needed...how have our hearts been opened to God? How should appropriateness be discerned for His glory while we testify His works in our lives?

So...no conclusion for me, but I have a lot of questions :P I hope this was not a random read...or a waste of time.

Urbana Reflection 3: Night of Decision Making

This shall be my last reflection post on Urbana.

I've decided to share about this part of Urbana not because it's personal. That itself is true, but more so, I wish to include and invite you all who is reading in this journey of mine.

For those who have been to Urbana, you all know that there's a night of decision making (honestly, I made my decision before that occurred...regardless, let's continue) There of course are several different check boxes for us to check or not check in the decision card. Of what decision I made is seriously not that important - more so is that I decided to put His will before mine.

Practicing radical obedience is not easy. The tendency and temptation to laze out and to waste life is more salient than I ever thought of it to be. To be conscious of how much time I'm allocating on things I enjoy doing - i.e. watching movies and shows - is very itching. Reflecting of how many hours I've been watching stuff in a week is shocking. In comparison...my hours of picking up a book, doing devos, or reading the Word is of no significant in my weekly span of life. Rooting myself down to read and not hang out / chill with people required much more disciplined than I originally thought. But I'm learning :) and our heavenly Father has been gracious and merciful when I failed again and again.

Being attentive has also been difficult. The impulse of doing things on a spur, reacting in ways spontaneously is sometimes by hindsight known as irrational. Haha. So if you may pray for me that I'll be attentive and disciplined in Him.

Anyhow. I've digressed.

The night where decision cards were placed in front of our seats. I was burdened in a way. The idea of commitment again came to haunt me. Yet, God spoke to me through a missionary's wife's testimony (which reminded me of Elisabeth Elliot - really want to hear her speak!!!). The reality, the mundane, the years of serving in a foreign land is not easy. Not only does it require faith, but enormous amounts of obedience. Daily submission is required, if not by seconds. It was so realistic of a story that challenged me to ask myself this question: are you ready for this if God calls you to? Honestly speaking, I'm not. I still need to be baby-ed, hand held, and taught. I was inspired by this Godly woman. How it reminded me of the days of being female devotional leader at CCF, how I read so much about being a Godly women. It was beyond my reach in many ways after listening to her, yet her gentle but convicting words spoke deep into my heart. "Your life is not a waste" and the idea along where you'll waste it if you don't answer His call. She said she herself had to fill in a commitment card to recommit her life to God. Profound! Profound indeed!

I'm not going to publicly post what decision I made that night. You can personally ask me when you see me or ask me :) Anyway...one thing to end off with - God is good! In measures beyond what we can imagine. His great invitation is for everyone. The simple and most fundamental one is to surrender your life to Him.

Urbana Reflection 2: Worship Prayer Room

In hindsight, the most most most significant activity for me at Urbana was my time spent in the worship prayer room.

On the last day, I decided to walk into the worship prayer room to re-experience the intimacy with God I had while spending moments in the prayer room everyday at Mark Central. Before lunch, I was contemplating what to do. On my list there was: book shopping, visiting exhibits, IFES reception, art lounge, prayer with TCCF people...etc. Trying to fit all that into 3 hours was an overwhelming thought. Bumping into people saying goodbyes at that stadium was also bleh for me...I clearly needed rest. However, prayer was not one of the items on my list.

For some reason...as if He planned it all - I talked to NK while waiting for TCCF peeps, and we decided to walk away for a bit to take a breath of fresh air. By the time we were back to meet TCCF people, they were all gone and even though we walked a few time around the whole AC center, we couldn't find them. Slowly we made our way to the bookstore, got some books and then we stood their wondering where to go. I looked up and saw the prayer rooms and suggested to go in one of them.

Walked and walked...we decided to settle for the last room we passed by which was the worship prayer room. It was so crowded inside that I was thinking of turning around going back to the exhibit. Yet somehow we ended there. Sitting there in the middle of the room...I closed my eyes. In the beginning I was wondering why people were lying on the floor...and as soon as I knew, I was in a little world of my own. Now that I think of it, I don't know what I was exactly praying for...but the experience was liberating. I felt like I was freed from my burdens. Later I journaled in the room as there was worship music playing in the background. I was "wow" every moment when I was journalling about something, the songs spoke directly to me, as if the songs were God's way of responding to my thoughts.

It's again quite an experience that I can't really articulate. Maybe some time down the road when I read this again, I will feel dumb for the inadequacy of expressing my feelings through this experience, but I'm sure for one thing is that it will bring me back to that moment - though the room was packed with people and the other people next to us was rowdy, but it was an intimate moment between God and I where no one were to be able to intrude, and I hope to worship Him likewise for the years to come :)

Urbana Reflection 1: Pursed by God

Before Urbana, I've always wonder what it means for God to be constantly pursuing us. I struggled with that the most. Not sure what it exactly mean...I always felt alone.

It seemed that God was far far away. He doesn't seem to be tangible.

This time at Urbana, I was able to really experience His love in a more than tangible way. Throughout my life, I've really never experienced the feeling of constantly being pursued. People give up on me, relationships fail, betrayals...etc. The idea that someone would pursue me is more than surreal of a concept. For me, accepting love from others, especially brothers and sisters, is maybe seemingly impossible of an idea. I love to push loved ones away, because in that case I know I'm sheltered from the possibility of hurt. Not to mention, I'd rather give than receive because humility is so much needed. Sinful as I know, I am always tempted to follow merit gospel - that I need to earn my salvation with work. It is always painful to go to the grace gospel, because I need to lay down my pride and accept that God is loving me willingly and mercifully without any conditions.

While at Urbana, I was so overwhelmed by His love. If I were to describe the experience, it's like bring covered by waves and waves of intimacy without having a moment to stick your head out of the water to breath. You only know that you're bathed in His embrace, His promises, His reassurances. It rocked me out of my boat (as much as it did for Simon :P)! The idea of water edge - boat / shallow waters - deep waters. The growth of intimacy. Bombarding!!! The invading of Him in my own life. Probing of opening up simply to Him alone. I was so surprised and in awe. Not only His love for me, but for the rest of the 16000 people there. If I can't even describe His love for me in quantity, I have no idea to imagine or picture His love for the world.

Anyhow...this is little sneak peek of one out of many of my reflections.