Lack of Faith

I confess that I've been lacking in faith, in every area in my life. School, future, mission trip, relationships...

So I've dug out my old journal and started reading from the back. First page I flipped to, it was ranting because I was so miserable this past summer. Flip...flip...flip. Something caught my eye, this is what I wrote down:

Naturally, anxiety is the result when I focus on things other than God and His will for my life. (June 3rd, 2011)

Part of the journal entry next to this was:

Joy is not the result of outward circumstances. Joy is an inside job, a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control. Every trial or loss, every defeated or victory measured against this confidences can be counted as joy. (May 28th, 2011).

Flip...flip...flip...Another one:

When the waves of trials hit our heart and home, the spiritual discipline of trusting God helps us to breath through the squeeze of each pressure. (May 8th, 2011).

It's interesting to see the things I've written down last summer when I was so frustrated with myself and with God. I have to say, I haven't been journalling in this way for the past few weeks. Every journal entry may be praising God for His blessings, yet I haven't been writing down my struggles at all. My lacking in faith was not because I simply don't trust in God, but my lacking in faith is because I don't trust that God will bring me through this.

Prayer, prayers, and more prayers. Need to go back to God and retreat in Him.

Another thing that appeared in my journal, and may this be my prayer :)

You promised that if we know You, we will know true joy. Joy is not merely happiness but rather an unshakable confidence that You are in control. Lord I pray that I'll be able to find joy in you. For the friends who are also lacking in faith, may we find that confidence in You and in You alone. Amen.

Pursuing Joy

The first thing to give up is the pursuing of happiness.

I found myself stuck in the cycle of pursuing happiness. When I'm frustrated, I spend time trying to figure out what would make me happy, and then do that. In the end...after a spiked feeling of happiness, I will drop back down into a frustrating state.

These things simply can be like a cup of ice cream or anything that I love to eat. They bring me an instant satisfaction, a sudden fulfillment that will be gone shortly.

This passage reminded me of what is more important:

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:2-4

I don't want that cheap thrill of satisfaction. I want something more, a long lasting joy found in Christ. I pray for a renewal of heart daily, knowing that the only road that leads to joy and fulfillment is in Him.

Seeing God's Grace in My Anger

Disclaimer: This is a very personal sharing...just ignore it if you want ;)

"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry"
Ephesians 4:26

This was the first verse that popped into my mind this evening. (Read Psalm 4 if you want :))

I'm not a person that can easily demonstrate honesty in my feelings. Based on past comments and "things that I hear from people," I've actually grown to be quite reluctant to honestly tell people how I felt, especially when the feelings are negative.

Lately I've been a little stressed out, not completely sure of why exactly, but my temper has been fluctuating a lot. I blame it on school work :P (excuses...). Deep inside I know there's something that's been bothering me, and maybe this is God's sign for me to take that extra step?

This last semester of undergrad has been a season of learning forgiveness and reconciliation for me personally. God has been challenging me the thought of not holding back and postponing honesty. It's interesting how this verse is presented in chapter 4 of Ephesians, right after 3 chapters of theologically focused, emphasizing NT doctrines. Like always, Paul likes to sandwich in practicality within his letters. This verse was right on talking about Christian behavior, especially in the context of "the Christian's Walk (NASB)/Living as Children of Light (NIV)."

This verse kept ringing in my head when I was upset, first I didn't know why. Later on, I realized that the anger mentioned in this passage is - bitterness. I felt bitter...not only about one thing, but many. So, I guess I decided to be honest, and tell the person of how I felt. In particular, this act is not to condemn in any way, but to be vulnerable to criticisms, gossips of my act, and you know...all that which potentially comes along with this "foolish" act. After that, I felt a sense of peace in my heart. This allowed me not to idolize bitterness. A tiny dose of bitterness can grow in hostility, and you know how bad that can become.

This whole little episode in my life reminded me of God's grace. God is always so patient with us. We make mistakes, we fail, yet He continues to love us, teach us and to show us how we can grow. This was the very question that DO asked us during committee sharing: In what area of your life or leadership you struggle to live in grace? Or what role does grace play in your life?

A great question to ask oneself as a central feature of gospel-centered living is living a life defined by grace as opposed to living a life defined work :) - How does grace play a role in your life?

Who Would Think So?

Got to hear some traditional English accent from one of the directors of our partnership organization :) Quite interesting to hear about the different cultures.

After that conference call, the things that we would be doing overseas seems to be very challenging. Not the sharing the Gospel part, cause I trust that God will take charge of that. The challenging thing is...who would think that 1st world countries are much more extreme in being anti-Chrisitanity.

People say that it's hard for adults to believe in the Gospel, maybe that's true. The more you know, the more you think you know, the harder it is, because you would come into things with various assumptions, schema and stereotypes. This reminded me of having child-like faith:

^"People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:13-16

It was a very good reflection of what my faith is to me personally. Many challenges ahead...but I'll be keeping this in mind - before doing anything, we shall devote ourselves in prayer, be watchful and thankful (from Colossians 4:2).

Attitude Check

A great reminder from God during reflection today - an attitude check.

It's amazing to see God's work when all four of us ladies sit together sharing and praying during our missions team meeting. There might be different things that we all struggle through, and have learned in the past week, what really strikes is the fact that there was a central theme within all of our stories.

God is good! He knows clearly what everyone of us needs. Whether it is challenges, faith, trust, reconciliation, forgive, it all goes back to His love. His love, is what we show to others as Christians. His love, is essentially the underlying intention of the Gospel.

Anyway...too much talk, been digressing a few times, I think it's time to rest :P