Untiltled - April 26th

This was from a devotional I read lately, and would love to share it:

"Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for you to let go of your pain and trust Him. And you really can. No one loves you like He does. You may not always understand or even like His process, but you can always trust His heart of love for you."

There's so much I've been learning, whether it's about myself or about God...this pruning process is painful, but I'd trust in God's plan.

Reconciliation is not easy. But I'm learning so much by going through every little tiny bit and letting God take care of the hurt and pain :)

A while ago, I asked God to used the 2 weeks I was free from exams (yes...I had 15 days between my first and last exam) to let me reconcile with my past, things that have been coming back now and then, hindering me to seeking Him. It's been painful but a rewarding process. Little by little, I'm becoming honest with myself in how I feel emotionally, and ask God to take care of them one by one.

Today after exams, AF and I went to watch a movie. I thought it was a light movie, it turned out not...in the very end, tears were streaming down my face. The movie reminded me why I'm so scared of saying goodbyes to people, or maybe even goodbyes that were never said. Some people wonder why I'm so spontaneous at times, and would rather choose to live in the moment than to plan my way too far ahead. The reason is...when there is unexpected death of someone that you were close with, sometimes you can just suck it up. I saw my flute teacher on a Friday, and on Monday...the news I heard was that he was dead. Shocking to me, I was like ant frantically finding a way out when people pour water on their dens. Exam was in a month...didn't even started practicing with my accompanist...it was disastrous.

This not only left a mark in my life, but it shaped how I viewed "goodbyes." I know it's almost that time of the year again where many goodbyes will be said...and who knows when will the next time be before I see those individuals? The good thing is that I've learned to treasure every moment I spend with people :) at least the conversation we had will not become a regret.

One thing that really comforts me is that...God is in control.

Progress in Support Raising

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Faith and trust.

I wrote this verse to a dear sister when I was trying to encourage her to study for exams, yet today it was right where I needed it. Lately I've been struggling with support raising, not much of the asking part, but the mentality of how to ask people to partake in building His Kingdom. Through fund raising, I know that what I really want to do is to inspire others to in different ways be a follower of Christ and to advance the Gospel, whether it is through evangelizing, loving those around them daily, or to serve the community and to inspire others to go out.

It seems like support raising is going no where, slightly stressful I have to say...but I'll continue to pray and seek God. I first need to be refined before anything else. As I pray, I'll first be praying that I can abide in Him :)

*Pinch*

Before sleeping last night, I was making a mental list. Not a mental list for shopping, but a mental list of blessings. Going through the day, I stopped...and my mind just brought me to many wonderful places that stored those memories.

This is another of those posts that I'm dedicating it to a certain person (you'll know who as you read on :))...and based on the title itself? :P

The first time we actually talked was on the trip back from wonderland in first year after exams...I remember I was so dizzy and was having motion sickness (the car ride was even more intense than the rides lol) yet we were able to carry a conversation :P . We sat together at the dinner table and just talked.

I also remember all those emails you sent me to keep me in check during the summer of 2009 when I went back to Hong Kong. I apologize for ignoring most of them, or replying super late :P Just to let you know, I enjoyed reading :) You were the only person in Toronto that kept me in check and I'm so thankful for that.

Second year...there is a truck load of memories. I am still amazed by the nights you would sleep over at my place, and the two of us would fit on a single bed :P My tiny room, studying and chatting at the dining table...definitely there are many more :)

Third year...wow...even more (what's larger than a truck?). You are such a great sister in Christ. Living with you definitely was a great springboard for me to grow. People say friends are like mirrors, and I would with no doubt say that you are one. Sharing, praying, small notes on the table...talks, late night walks to McDs, spontaneous grocery shopping at 2 in the morning...I've learned a lot from you, and for sure without doubt, with you too :) I learned so much more about you throughout the whole year, got to realize, as much as we are similar in the ways we think, we express it so differently. And of course, I learned so much about myself.

Forth year...I missed you! I definitely had! This year was tough without being able to share the tiny bit of things with you. I no longer ranted freely about anything, even knowing that you are the least likely to judge me out of everyone (cause you probably know me better than a lot of people). At winter retreat, when I hugged you and said I missed you, it was such a relief.

You might not have realized how much you influence people lives, and I can honestly tell you that you have made an enormous impact in mine. "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17. You were a piece of iron to me, at times it was painful, but without the sharpening how would we grow? :P *Pinch face* Thanks for always being there for me (the laughter, the tears, and the default face), keeping me accountable, and to share your life with me :) You are such a blessing in my life :D

"But God Speaks Through You..."

Had the most interesting conversation with my friend JR just now, and I really want to share a tiny fraction of it.

Out of no where, I texted my friend that I haven't seen for a while. Surprisingly, she replied in the middle of the night and it woke me up. I woke up and started talking to her through text, trying to get to know how her life is. I got tired of typing and suggested to meet up. Really couldn't expect a yes because I suggested to meet 8 hours later. Out of my expectation, she said yes.

Tried to sleep that night after deciding to meet up, and knowing that there was a prayer meeting in the morning...I still couldn't. I was awake trying to put things together into pieces.

To be honest, I was so scared that I would not recognize her because it's been almost a year? I'm quite terrible at keeping in contact, and this is an example of that...I was a little anxious of that and because I know that she no longer believes in God, all I did was to pray and anticipating the most awkward catch up. We were so close in high school, and I guess most of us are close to the point where we can just say whatever on our mind, not having to be afraid to offend each other :) The moment she saw me, she was super excited. Having only 2 hours of sleep and rushing over, I was a little thrown off the cliff and didn't know how to react, because time seemed to have just rewinded back to the high school days.

We had a wonderful catch up, discussion on God and science. And really praise God! I got to share the Gospel with her :) Definitely have to continue to pray for her, and I'm so grateful just to be able to invite her to explore Christianity together.

The title of this blog is "but God speaks through you..." you might wonder why I used this as a title as it seems to have no relations at all. Believe it or not, these were the words that my friend said to me in the middle of a discussion. At that moment when she was talking, I was praying cause I didn't have the words to say anymore, and my brain was completely scattered...the next moment...that was what I heard. I don't know why exactly she had that in mind, but I was so pretty amazed. Thus I boldly continue on.

As I shared to a sister right after in a busy plaza, this conversation was hard to carry, it was nowhere easy because of the circumstances, but praise God for His work (definitely not mine at all) and allowing me to witness Him softening her heart through the conversation :)

[I apologize for a not so coherent post...quite tired :P]

Reconnect?

Stop for a moment. 30 seconds maybe?

Take another 30 seconds to think of the certain individuals that you haven't seen for a long time, friends that you used to be so close with...when was the last time you saw them?

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Where there a lot? Or at least a couple? 

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It has come to my realization that I've lost so many ties with people in these past 4 years. People in high school, friends from res, commerce friends, DECA friends, debate friends...the list goes on.

The group that I treasured the most was my high school friends. It was so nice to have them around through the hardest times. Spending our last year together at lunch everyday, walking home from school, same group for projects, deciding on which uni to go to, prom...etc. It was fun, and I definitely had so much fun after being in the darkest pit in my grade 11 year.

Obviously, our group not only had us girls, but also a few more guys from fellowship. Steven always drove, so a few of us who had more time would always go out for dinners, or randomly chill after school. His 1996 Honda Accord helped created so many of those memories, the good ones (can't really come up with bad ones). Johnny's burger, sushi, late night hang out at Sally's...

Even when Steven and I started dating in first year, we would always hang out with Sally and Judy, cause Steven and Sally would come out from Laurier/Waterloo often enough. Judy and I hung out very frequently in first year as we had a lot of time on campus.

Things changed along the way...

Judy cut off all her contacts and disappeared (it was the scariest thing for me), and of course...Steven and I broke up. And at the same time, we all started getting busy at school, weekly emails became bi-monthly, then became monthly...

The break up was bad enough on it's own, and because we didn't really tell our group of friends that we were going out in the first place, everything just shattered as we lost contact with Judy.

Maybe I was really frustrated back then, and that I craved (and still do) for attachment with people, I asked why do we no longer meet up as a group of friends whenever we can. Slowly I drifted away, and justified my actions by thinking that I have a community in university already.

Later on, at times where I see things that knocks at this chest of treasures I have...it's the most painful thing. I still remember seeing Steven at Frosh ConnecXion 2010...he was the MC for the night (which I was utterly surprised to see him there)...I think that moment flooded my brain with memories of high school, and thus I volunteered to go wash utensils from the barbeque. At that moment, I knew that I forgave him, and all I wanted was this group of friends once again. (I really wish we can talk again...maybe face to face...) This group of girls, and the few guys were all the people who were there walking with me, when I knew nothing. The stories and memories we share are so precious...no other friends can really replace them.

Just today...I found out that the girls will be having a meetup next week...which I would not be able to attend :( I wasn't invited, and a sense of bitterness with no doubt filled my heart (along with other things). I became resentful, because many of them did not reply my emails or facebook messages when I was trying to reach out to them this past year...thoughts mounting...

Suddenly at a break of moment, I realized one thing. I love these girls more than I can really be angry with them. I was upset because I valued them so much. Then I started a conversation with the person I was texting, and we decided to meet up tomorrow (since I won't be able to go to the gathering) ...cause I'm spontaneous! :P If you happen to see this before lunch, please pray for our conversation. She drifted away from God these past few years, and I just really hope to have an edifying conversation with her :)

I'm thankful that I have this chance to reconnect :) Starting from small, one step at a time.