"Start From God's Love..."

[Still in the process of typing a few posts from before...but I can't refrain myself from typing this one first]

Just an hour ago, I was texting JH, somehow we got to a conversation where I said "I'm different lol but actually, in the process of striving to be different, everyone is still the same...cause everyone is striving to be different...which is the same..." I said those exact words in my text. Out of frustration towards myself...I've been doubting a lot lately. I am so faithless in comparison to our faithful God.

This afternoon when I was talking to my roommate EW, I was telling her that someone mentioned to me that I don't talk about my dad. As EW knows a lot more of my family than any other people around me, she understood, and so the conversation went on. Through that conversation, I've realized how deeply my identity is rooted in the words that my dad once said to me (even if it's a simple casual phrase of - "you're fat" or "you've lost? only losers lose a simple competition like this.").

Doubting myself and doubting the future has lead to having a smile on my face when with people, yet tears strolling down my face when I'm left alone. It's been tiring. I've been trying so hard, so hard to exert this facade in front of people...and more so, in front of God. In prayers, I would tell God it's okay, I'll trust You, yet deep down inside, all I know is that I'm so broken, and I don't (or I can't) mean what I say in my prayers. The vicious cycle goes on, I feel like a failure. Since that moment of defeat many years ago, I no longer could have been confident of who I am as a person. Yesterday, when I was studying for my exam, my attention floated away and I prayed to God and promised Him that I will try to reconcile with myself...after this employment law exam. (Well...possible Friday?) I was just so tired...spiritually and mentally. Flooding myself with worship songs was the only thing I could have done to keep me going.

So after the conversations today with people, I fell into this loop of insecurity about the future...back again...there I went, straight into the deep well I've dug for myself. That well...contains everything...things that are good and bad. And lately, because the water is very very stagnant, all I could see was black dirty stuff even if there was the Sun. Wandering away, I was on tumblr and was on AW's page...and I saw - "the sacrifice of calling." [It's linked, roll over the brackets :)]

In the conversation with JH, I also mentioned that I don't know how am I suppose to utilize my spiritual gifts. The 4 of them...seems so far apart. But then the video spoke to me. Not just trying to find your calling part. The part that exactly hit me was when he said "start from God's love." Isn't that what we've been trying to discover in CCF this year? Wasn't that exactly what us committee was trying to inspire people to do through "Gospel Driven Identity?" (believe it or not...I was flipping through the framework 2 days ago while cleaning up).

I was reminded once again. How much I need Him, and how abundant is His love for me.