You Then Realize How Tiny You Are...

Lately I've been on the journey of learning what it means to surrender. Whether it is through lent (optional sacrifice), or through other means, I've learned quite a lot. Today, God just allowed me to realize another thing of discipline itself.

I always knew rest is a discipline, and I always tell others to rest too. However for myself, it's very hard. Sometimes I don't rest because I feel a strong urge that by staying up late will grant me a few more hours, and that gives me some sort of control. So as you would know the story, I stayed up late, pull so many half-all-nighters this past month to the point where my body starts choking up on me. Been sick on and off for the past few weeks. Worse of all is that I don't really care...as long as I am able to get stuff done, and am able to exert this some sort of control.

Well oh well...after "surprising" a friend for their birthday yesterday night, somehow the cold came back. My bones were burning and aching to a point I'd say...it's not a good idea to get off bed. Yet this morning there was another surprise that I've said I'd go...slept for 3 hours...looked at the clock. My body isn't quite listening to me...can't get off bed - worse feeling ever. In my mind the only thing was running through was: why now?

Was a little upset lying in bed with aching and pain, I realized at that point of how tiny I am. For the past month, I've been trying to find a grip to the future, try to find a way to control how much time I have left to spend with people I treasure. I've leaned on myself for this whole journey. To me it was as if God was there, but you know..."God, wait quietly in the corner, and I'll attend to you asap." I still felt restless at times where I do 2 hours of devos a day. I was reading, but I wasn't resting.

All along, I've thought that in all this, trusting God, having faith will be fine. I tried so hard, and may I say, I've tried TOO hard to trust in God. I "trust" Him, but in reality it was a really forceful kind of trust. It's like doing a paper on a subject you hate the most, you try to brainwash yourself that you like that subject. And in the end...you can't deny the fact that you don't like it at all. This past month I've been trying hard to find ways, external ways, to make myself believe that God is in control, but deep down I was not convinced or felt that He was here (more like I was choosing to run away because I wanted some sort of control to myself).

While lying there this morning before I drifted back into sleep, one word was printed in my mind - SURRENDER Aha! There you go. I never did fully surrender everything of myself after winter retreat after praying about it, I did not actively live out what I've learned / experienced. For the longest time I was asking God to reveal Himself, yet I forgot to quiet down and listen to Him. There He was reminding me to surrender while I was incapable to get off the bed. There are important things I wanted to do, i.e. spend time with my friends during birthdays, unity praise night, these are all important things. However, none are as important as spending time with Him.

Praise Him! Sitting here...shutting off everything of the world is giving me a great sense of peace. I'm overwhelmed by this peace that I've been longing for.

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While I was typing this, I clicked to "Still" on my itunes, cause one of my favorite verses is Psalm 46:10...every bit of the lyrics spoke to me :) (I listen to a lot of music...and it affects me - for good and for bad)

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

I'm going to end off with the Psalm 46:10 from NASB because I like the word choice more...the phrase "cease striving" sticks out.

“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10 (NASB)